I was watching the playoff games tonight and I randomly have random thoughts sometimes. Most of them are related to music or basketball, but for some reason I wondered what Giannis Antetokounmpo could do with his inhumanely large hands. Some people have random thoughts about if the U.S. government is going to be okay for the next four years. Or they think about if there’s going to be a nuclear war anytime soon. But me? Nope, it's usually weird things about basketball unicorns or how Kendrick Lamar is actually a goat, and if goats only have a lifespan of 15–18 years, then how is Kendrick still alive at 29? Anyways, I found five different professions that Giannis Antetokounmpo would be good at with his almighty hands.
Professional Lightbulb Changer
Obviously Giannis Antetokounmpo would be incredibly great at being a professional lightbulb changer. His arms (I’m fairly certain) are at least 13 feet long, so it wouldn’t be hard to reach the tall ceilings in your home or workspace. His hands are longer than the length of a newborn baby tyrannosaurus rex, so it would be easy to hold your lithium light bulbs for your island in your kitchen at home. I’m not really sure how much a professional lightbulb changer makes per year, but I’m pretty sure that it would be much less than what he’s making in the NBA.
Two days ago at work I had to show the lightbulb changer dude where the lightbulbs were that needed to be changed, and three of the ones that needed changing were above a stairwell ~20 feet off the ground. The lightbulb changer started complaining and asked why anyone would put lightbulbs there, and I answered, “I’m not really sure, I’m no architect.” He super didn’t appreciate my comment, but then an actual lightbulb came on inside my head and I realized that Giannis Antetokounmpo would be an incredible lightbulb changer. You’re welcome, Giannis.
When I was around the age of 10 my summer league swim team would have a “fun day” practice the morning after our Wednesday night swim meets, and we sometimes played the game greased watermelon. For those of you that don’t know what greased watermelon is, you’re in for a treat. Greased watermelon is played in the deep end of my childhood summer pool, which was 11 feet deep and around 12 yards long. We would literally grease up a watermelon then throw it to the middle of the deep end. Watermelons sink, and teenagers are much, much, much stronger than 10-year-olds. The objective was to get the greased watermelon from the bottom of the pool to the other side of the deep end from where you started, and get the watermelon on the pool deck. Sort of like a touchdown in football, but with a breakable watermelon and grease. I couldn’t hold my breath for very long when I was 10, and also didn’t like the way my ears popped when I went deeper into the pool, so I was terribly bad at greased watermelon on Thursday mornings. Giannis Antetokounmpo would be magical at greased watermelon. If it was a real, professionally paid sport, The Greek Freak’s hands would be the highest paid player in the world.
Baby Delivery Doctor
Giannis Antetokounmpo would be a tremendous baby delivery doctor, or whatever they’re called. With his hands being larger than most average babies born 18–22 inches, those babies would never be dropped as they shot into the world. Those suckers could probably come into the world at 100 miles per hour and Giannis would be there to save the day with above-average baby length hands. Those babies would be graced to begin this world journey by shooting into his hands. Doctors are usually wealthy or appear to be wealthy, so Giannis would take a large pay cut from his NBA career, but would still be just fine money wise.
Somewhere in Florida there’s these crop fields that are set on fire to get the rabbits out of said fields, and high school football players arrive when the flames rise up to chase rabbits and work on quickness, agility, and speed. Giannis Antetokounmpo is taller than Goliath, has hands much larger than bunnies and rabbits, and can move quickly. So if there was a professional flaming field bunny chaser job, Giannis would be the wealthiest worker and the person with the most rabbits caught.
Giannis Antetokounmpo would be the stealthiest hitman. I’ve never heard Giannis Antetokounmpo walk before, but I have a feeling that he is eerily quiet when he walks. Maybe Giannis walks like a puma? I’m not sure, but he’s got to be quiet when he storms down the court because most people have no idea that it only took him three steps and one dribble to go from half court to a euro-step dunk. No one’s going to hear the Greek Freak coming for their life, so he’s got that going for him if he ever wants to become a hitman. Also, his euro-steps are so unfathomable and require so much damn steadiness and balance that Giannis Antetokounmpo is actually an X-Man and really isn’t from Earth. The steadiness and balance will work for his mid-air sniper shot of the person who he is supposed to hit.
All in all, Giannis Antetokounmpo could possibly make more money as a hitman than he could ever in the NBA if he truly wanted to. I have a feeling that he’ll stay in the NBA, but if I ever need a hitman, I’m going straight to Giannis Antetokounmpo — or his agent.