Snowflake's Sons

Fun Fact: There are 3 men with some derivative of my name in my bloodline. My father, (the one who cursed me with the Dolphins and their second longest active playoff win drought) and his father, a Lions fan (the longest active playoff win drought). A combined 71 years of playoff futility between 3 generations. What a legacy. (My hypothetical progeny will most assuredly have very normal names: Emily, Michael, Jeff, something that was still popular post-world war I)

It’s not that hard. It’s not that hard to make the fucking playoffs. Damn near 50% of the league makes it in every single year. The dolphins have been 3 times since 2000. 0 Playoff wins in the same time. 21 seasons since the last playoff victory.

21!

Twenty one years since the team with the second highest winning percentage in the history of the league has won a meaningful game.(It pains me to inform you that the one team the Dolphins are behind is the New England Patriots). A game they absolutely had to win. And I don’t mean, “they need to win this to stay in contention” I mean, you win this or your season dies. Over the last 21 years, we haven't played many and we've lost the ones we have. The Playoff win drought is old enough to drink and if we decided to relive some moments of those twenty one years, it might not stop.

2002. The best chance we had at the super bowl. Our last best chance. Every other year we went to playoffs, even I have to admit, was pure luck. 2008: Tom Brady goes down week 1. Miami also happened to be the first to utilize the wildcat gimmick offense. No one knew what to do with it for an entire season, (not even the infallible, inimitable, inevitable Bill Belichick). They rode it straight to an 11-5 record, winning the tie breaker between the also 11-5 Pats and keeping them out of the playoffs (FTP!!!) 11-5 with Matt Fucking Cassel and they still don’t make the playoffs. Belichick honestly should get some sort of award (or a medal) for such an achievement with literally no payoff. (lol)

This has been the main refuge of the downtrodden Dolphins fan. Content to be a thorn in the side of the juggernaut Pats. Keeping them out of the playoffs when going 11-5 as previously stated, more than once foiling their plans of capturing the top seed in the AFC including the miracle in Miami game. And ruining Tom Brady’s Gillette Goodbye. Picking him off to end the game (they went on to lose in the first round to a Belichik discovery, Mike Vrabel)

And you may be thinking “Mel, isn’t it a little sad to obsess over the times that you beat one team” and I would say to that: Yes. Yes it is. Such is the plight of the stalwart Fin Fan.

It wasn’t always this bleak. When I was in grade school, the dolphins were a perennial playoff team. The Pats before the Pats. I had a bright future promised to me (not unlike most millennials). Their first Super Bowl appearance occurred only 5 years after their inaugural season, their first win the season after. 1972 was the first and last Perfect Season in NFL history. 17 wins 0 losses 0 ties. They were so good that when Don Shula (winningest coach in history) had a chance to put a pretty little bow on the 17-0 season, he couldn’t help himself from trying it. Up 14 to nothing in the 4th of the Super Bowl, Don Shula is just within Field Goal range. He could run out the clock, but he really likes the idea of winning the Super Bowl 17 - 0 to complete a 17- 0 season. The result was a very tiny man (Garo Yepremian) throwing a ball bigger than he was as hard as he could…

Backwards

(Please go look this up, the forward facing angle is absolutely hysterical, I’m sure there is a version with Yakety Sax playing over it)

They went again the next year, becoming the second back to back champs in the league’s history and becoming the first to go to 3 straight Super Bowls. It seemed nothing could stop this Juggernaut from winning every Super Bowl from here until the end of eternity. We found the undisputed greatest team there will ever be. They may as well disband this league. Start fresh.

Then a funny thing happened. They kinda did.

You see, the NFL was the beneficiary of (how shall I put this) less than ideal labor practices. Thing was, they were the only game in town. But rigged games are the easiest to beat. Then came the World Football League. The Dolphins lost 3 key players including 2 future Hall of Famers. They continued to be a solid team under Shula but nothing of those 3 Super Bowl years. Until 1984, when the chosen one descended from the heavens with his golden right arm and the quickest release the world has ever known.

Dan the Man Marino. His first 4 seasons included the greatest rookie Quarterbacking season ever, greatest Quarterbacking season ever setting the Touchdowns and Yardage record that stood for over 20 years, a Super Bowl appearance, and the lone blemish on the Bears ALMOST perfect 1985 season. It seemed he was destined to be the greatest Quarterback to ever play the game. BUT he could never get the fins over the hump. He set every passing record you could imagine in record low number of attempts, record low number of years in an era where passing was secondary, but couldn't get it done. His only solace being that he routinely ranks at the top of the best athletes with no ring lists. Some solace.

Shula retired the winningest coach in football history. At the time, the dolphins had a winning percentage of 65.9%. For reference, the current owner of the highest winning percentage, the Patriots(yes, it’s just as painful the second time), have a winning percentage of 56.3%. The only coach in franchise history, the undisputed greatest coach ever, had gone. What would we do?! How could we carry on?!

Hire the next greatest coach of all time, of course.

Or so we thought

Here comes Jimmy Johnson

Winner of a national championship at the University of Miami (south beach has fallen so far) and 2 Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys. The Dolphins were a shoe-in to add a few more rings to Johnson’s resume. He went to the playoffs every year but one. Except he left after a handful of seasons hand picking a successor, one David Wandstedt. He looked like he walked out of a “Sports Guys” sketch. Puffy hair, glorious mustache, and a chicago accent that would make even Ditka proud. It was like Dennis Farina had a taller, dumber brother.

And still, at first, it looked like JJ had done us good.

He left us with an incredible wealth of talent on the defensive side of the ball. Zach Thomas, Jason Taylor, Sam Madison, and Patrick Surtain. It’s rare to find a foursome of such incredible talent and skill. All 4 perennial pro bowlers. Riding the back of the stellar defensive play the dolphins were able to make 5 straight playoff appearances. Then added the former Heisman Trophy Winner, Ricky Williams.

This was the year. The year it all came together. A top 5 defense and a top 5 Running game. This was the formula to make it to the Super Bowl. All we had to do was not fuck it up.

I’m sure you can guess what happened next. Not like exactly what happened next but you can assume they did not make it to the Super Bowl. Nope, not even the playoffs. The Dolphins started out the season 5-1, but in their sixth game, Jay Fiedler, their starting game manager (Quarterback is a bit strong) hurts himself on the final drive to beat the Broncos to get that 5th victory. In comes Ray Lucas. Who promptly throws 4 interceptions in his first game and loses his first start of the season. And then the next two.

The Dolphins didn’t win a game for a month. The month included a bye week, so it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. 2 of the losses were to divisional opponents with losing records. Those are the ones you can’t lose and they couldn’t lose them. In the end, Olindo Mare, shanks a kickoff out of bounds giving the Pats and Pre-HG…Pre-TB12 Tom Brady excellent field position with which to properly put an end to our playoff hopes, let alone the Super Bowl ones. I was so angry that day. Poor refereeing (what else do you expect in a Pats game), poor execution (the kicker…again?) And that fucking TAWM BRAYDY.

I was apoplectic, beside myself, inconsolable, and all the other words and phrases that mean I did not know what to do with myself or my rage. Looking back it was well founded. The Pats smothered the division so thoroughly over the next 20 years, I’m surprised the Dolphins haven’t yielded to asphyxiation. 2 Playoff appearances that time. 0 Wins. 20 years marked by near misses and mediocrity. Oh and scandal can’t forget scandal. Culpepper over Brees, Saban absconding to Alabama, Ronnie Brown over Aaron Rodgers, Jake Long over Matt Ryan, Tua over Herbert. Cocaine coaches, and bullying behemoths. Pats Super Bowl after Pats Super Bowl. The current winning percentage of the Miami Dolphins is now 55.3%

I’ll give you a second to scroll back up to see what it was when Shula retired.

.

.

.

Right? Right?! Fucking Crazy. How does one stay sane?

Good question: They don’t

Enter: TuAnon

In 2019, the Dolphins break up with Flaky Quarterback whisperer Adam Gase, and do what most do after a break up. Find someone that is the complete opposite. A new era in Miami. New Coach, New GM and they’ve got a plan. We’re gonna sacrifice the first season. Trade away talent for pics, try out roster combinations, practice being a football team. It’s just one giant preseason. Except the coach, Brian Flores, is not one hundred percent on board with the whole “losing now to win later” thing. He wants to win all the time even if he has to lose games to do it! Borrowing against future earnings in order to spend NOW always works out, right? Right????

I don’t want to be dishonest with you, so, I have to admit, I did think this was a good sign. A guy that wants to win. That NEEDS to win so badly that he’s willing to gamble his tomorrow for a victory today. However, with victories comes a lower draft pick. And a lower pick might mean we don't get the pick we want to pick.

By some miracle, we were able to pick the guy we had our sights on. The Tua for which we Tanked. That miracle being Joe Burrow and a curse that had turned into a blessing but is back to curse status, the injured hip. This was supposed to make it all worth it. One maybe two rough seasons and then we’ll be back on track. Taking the ball from goal to goal like no one’s ever seen.

But first the rough seasons. The one shining light of this time period was everyone’s favorite back up QB. Ryan Fitzpatrick. He’s like the Sandman, he appears to you in whichever Jersey most aligns with you. These were the seeds planted before the plant could be fucked by TuAnon. Proverbially speaking that is.

If TuAnon has one really solid, healthy leg to stand on, it’s this; Flores absolutely fucked up Tua’s rookie season. Completely bungled it. No doubt about it. Fudged up big time.

Start Fitz

Sub Tua

Start Tua

Sub Fitz

Name Tua permanent starter

Sub Fitz in tight games

It seems clear now Tua was not ready nor was his recently damaged hip. And no matter what the noise or controversy that surrounded the team, Flores’ decisions here were inexcusable. He unequivocally let the kid down his first season. The second season did not get much better, but you’ll have to place more of the blame on Tua this time.

Yes, the line was bad. Yes, they had 2 offensive coordinators (and we all know how many OC’s that actually is) Yes, the front office was actively and loudly pursuing a sexual predator, And yes the Dolphins had a losing record when Tua did not start. All this to say…I am now a member of TuAnon….

NO. No. Must fight it. Must. Not. Shit Talk. Mina Kimes.

The Tua detractors are justified in their skepticism. If you were to take the performance of the last two seasons to project the performance of the coming season(which, ya know, is what you do), you would be hard pressed to think anything better than a low-end mid tier QB performance was to be expected. The numbers aren’t great and the other stuff ain’t much better. No traces of “it” or “dawg” or, even “an energy” are to be found. Just a relatively competent Quarterback trying desperately to not get his shit kicked in.

There is some realistic logic behind fans having optimism for the season. There is some realistic logic behind the skepticism of Tua’s abilities. Neither side is anywhere near as right as they feel. And I bet if you got a couple drinks on either side, they wouldn’t feel anywhere near as confident as they let on. A regular Schrodinger's Dolphin, the season is both a success and a failure.

The whipped cream on top of this fucked up Sundae came in the form of a steady stream of leaks informing the public of sneaky dealings perpetrated by the Dolphins front office which ultimately included a law suit from former coach Brian Flores. Ok so it wasn’t a leak and more like the fucking hull is breached and it’s like the last 20 minutes of Crimson Tide. We’re fucking swimming in leaks

We were supposed to have Sean Payton Coaching, Tom Brady Quarterbacking (eventually team owning) and Jesus Christ himself was supposed to be the edge rusher. And we would’ve gotten away with it too if it was for that meddling coach. But we got caught, and now we’re not getting any of those things and the cherry on top of the whipped cream on top the shit sundae: we lose a first rounder, which, if Tua isn’t the guy (and let’s be honest, he isn’t the guy) we were kinda counting on our draft capital to bail us out of this disaster of a fifth overall pick (Oh yea the guy picked after him is the new Dan Marino so fuck me right?)

But there is another Sundae. A better Sundae. A Sundae that might make Sundays ok.

Contrary to my previous dia-CRY-be (get it? cuz it’s a diatribe of me bitching), some actual football decisions were made in the offseason. And some (maybe even a few) were pretty decent decisions. They made financially stable their all-everything shutdown Corner Xavien Howard (lowest passer rating allowed in 2021 and the most interceptions over the last four seasons but sure not a top 5 CB), signed the off-season's top free agent (a Left Tackle thank god) picked up an offensive Mastermind instead of a defensive coach (again with dating someone that’s the opposite of your ex, just focus on yourself) and traded for probably the most dynamic receiver in the league. Combine these with some “less splashy more savvy” free agent moves and a sensible draft and the Dolphins, through the muck and the mire, have created a talented roster.

There are more positive reports (and less negative reports) than have been reported in the past. The coach is funny and quirky in an intelligent, brainiac kind of way (have you heard? He went to YALE). Tua is looking downright jovial and boyish (maybe too boyish but we’ll save that). The vibes are, as they say, immaculate.

I’m nervous: what happens when the undeniably sharp and quick witted wunderkind loses a few games in a row *dramatically knocks on wood*. Will he maintain that upbeat demeanor? Will a disgruntled locker room continue to follow his lead when he exhibits such a laissez-faire, enlightened stoner leadership style?

I’m also excited: Hill and Waddle show a cumulative speed and agility which could be unmatched. McDaniel has a creativity the Dolphins organization has never seen.

Could the full support behind Tua lead to an Allen style leap year?

All this and, oh yea, it’s the 50th anniversary since the Dolphins’ undefeated season.

And the 22nd since their last playoff victory.