Before the BET Hip Hop awards last week, Eminem or Slim Shady (no longer brain dead like Jim Brady) or Marshall Mathers or God or the second coming of Christ, or whatever you want to call him, delivered an anti-Trump cypher that shook the internet to its core.
The scene is perfect. Bearded Em is in the foreground with his Shady Records acts in the back. He’s dressed in all black. He’s got a relatively subtle gold chain on. Before the recording, I imagine Em went to the producers and said “Fuck a beat, I’ll go acapella,” because the only sound was his voice which cut through the air like a samurai sword so sharp it could cut through the Empire State Building.
“That’s an awfully hot coffee pot / should I dump it on Donald Trump? Prob’ly not.”
Spilling hot coffee on yourself is terrible. But, yes, Marshall, you should spill it on Donald Trump. You'd get extra points because Trump claims he doesn't drink coffee.
“Trump, when it comes to giving a shit, you’re as stingy as I am / ‘cept when it comes to havin’ the balls to go against me you hide ‘em / ‘cause you don’t got the fucking nuts, like an empty asylum!”
Regarding punchlines, this was the winner. The simile is immensely creative, and I think Em was looking into the future because Trump has yet to say anything about the rap god ethering him.
“Racism’s the only thing he’s fantastic for / ‘cause that’s how he gets his fucking rocks off, and he’s orange!”
Does being racist really get Trump off? That’s a question I thought I’d never need to ask about the president.
“Yeah, sick tan / that’s why he wants us to disband because he cannot withstand the fact we’re not afraid of Trump / fuck walking on eggshells I came to stomp / that’s why he keeps screamin', ‘Drain the swamp!’ cause he’s in quicksand.”
Tan jokes are almost too easy to make. For the eggshell part, Em has never been one to beat around the bush. He's built his entire career on calling things how they are.
“But this is his form of distraction / plus he gets an enormous reaction when he attacks the NFL, so we focus on that in-/-stead of talking Puerto Rico or gun reform for Nevada / all these horrible tragedies and he’s bored and would rather / cause a Twitter storm with the Packers.”
These facts check out. Unlike Trump, Em does a great job of not lying about the president’s priorities. He elects to tweet about Hillary Clinton or Roger Goodell instead of Puerto Rico, where a majority of the country is still without electricity or clean water.
“Then says he wants to lower our taxes / then who’s gonna pay for his extravagant trips back and forth with his fam to his golf resorts and mansions / the same shit that he tormented Hillary for and he slandered / then does it more.”
The Donald built his campaign on hypocrisy. Anyone can notice that, and Em is one of the most careful people on the planet; you thought that would get by him?
“From his endorsement of Bannon, support for the klansmen / tiki torches in hand for the solider that’s black and comes home from Iraq and is still told to go back to Africa…”
That was another elite punchline because it brings the mistreatment of veterans back into the spotlight. Trump makes a fuss about being patriotic, but emotionally-frustrated white men carrying tiki torches and being racist to black people who fought for their rights is just nauseating and is almost certainly disrespectful to the flag.
“Now if you’re a black athlete, you’re a spoiled little brat for trying to use your platform or your stature / to try and give those a voice who don’t have one / he says, ‘You’re spittin’ in the face of vets who fought for us, you bastards!’”
Em is spot on again. Any athlete who has either protested or spoken out against the government is expressing how the citizens feel. When someone like Stephen Curry, LeBron James or Colin Kaepernick speak, people notice. Unfortunately, those who are more ignorant than others think they should just sit down, shut up and be grateful that they're making millions of dollars to play a game.
“Unless you’re a P.O.W. who’s tortured and battered / because to him you’re zero because he doesn’t like his war heroes captured”
Yup. That is also true. See McCain, John.
[Em walks forward and thrusts his right fist into the air] “This is for Colin, ball up a fist / and keep that shit balled (bald), like Donald the bitch!”
Let’s remember that Eminem is a white man. Let’s also remember that he’s a white man who’s a global icon and has risen to become one of the greatest in a profession that’s mostly black. A star of Em’s magnitude and complexion aligning with the Black Panthers is enormous because we don’t see it. What’s more is that it shows that there are in fact white people who are siding with minorities to combat racial and social injustices. Oh, and he also called the president a bitch. I can’t wait to explain this to my kids. It’s LeBron’s “u bum” tweet times 100,000. It's also a double entendre. Donald Trump has problems with his hair, and Em could've written it as "bald."
“Well if he does build [the wall], I hope it’s rock-solid with bricks cause like him and politics I’m using all his of tricks / cause I’m throwing that piece of shit against the wall ‘till it sticks”
Nothing too profound here, just more humor. I’d love to see Em throw shit at Trump’s wall. Or maybe he's talking about throwing Trump at the wall? I'm not too sure, but neither is too far-fetched.
“And any fan of mine, who’s a supporter of his / I’m drawing in the sand a line, you’re either for or against / and if you can’t decide who you like more and you’re split / on who you should stand beside, I’ll do it for you with this / ‘FUCK YOU’ [middle finger]”
Here we have another huge moment. Em’s standing on a mountain with the biggest megaphone possible and telling the world that he doesn't want any fans to side with the Donald, so much so that he’s flipping them off. That’s powerful. He literally doesn’t give a fuck. I love it so much. This section is near the top not because of its wittiness, but its message.
“The rest of America stand up / we love our military and we love our country / but we FUCKING HATE TRUMP!”
Yeah, that sounds about right. Thank you, Eminem, for using your voice to speak up against what’s right.