Welcome to Canada!

Congratulations! Welcome to Canada!

We are so glad that you have decided to make this momentous decision at a point in history when the relationship between our two nations has never been so fraught and awkward. We are beyond pleased that you have chosen us for your next step towards real independence and self-direction. This is a simple guide to show you which steps to follow as you become a part of the fabric of the Great White North.

The weather!

Yes, we are notorious for the climate, and the incredible drama that takes place between the summer months which are most pleasant, and the winters which can test even the hardiest souls. But you too have your own extreme changes of weather and may find that you can accept how harsh things may be for half the year. Please remember: our winters always end and the promise of summer is worth it. Your states will enjoy it!

The money!

Yes, it is real and it is now much stronger with such allies like you and yours joining us. And did you notice how easy it is to separate your bills and coins when you do not have to read but simply notice the reds, blues, browns, purples, golds and greens of the change in your purses and wallets? You may miss the greenbacks, but you are now part of a trend that is worldwide. Congratulations on your citizenry accepting this!

The people!

Yes, we Canadians are notorious for being polite, and you will find that your own behaviour will change as you are exposed to our nation and its people. We have found that it is much better to get along with each other in our day-to-day lives instead of simply knocking the other person down because we simply do not like how they voted in a particular election. The weather might play a role in this... Be prepared!

The sport!

You know what I am about to discuss here, don't you? Hockey! Our beloved national sport was once ours alone, and over time we neglected our commitment to the game. Your nation began to win our beloved Stanley Cup with some of our best talent (Gordie Howe and Bobby Orr were early signs of a growing problem). All of our best confrontations take place on the ice and we know that we can leave all our grief and rage in the arena. Perhaps a growing industry for you and your people could be making ice skates, hockey sticks and new teams. We can absorb it all!

The reputation!

Ever since the announcement, you might have noticed how your reputations have grown around the world. From Europe and Africa, and through Asia and the Pacific Rim down through Australia into South America, your decisions to secede from the United States and become either provinces or territories of Canada was praised and admired, and it led to a repositioning of policies and laws that certain (ahem) media figures did not anticipate. You no longer have to pretend to be one of ours by having one of our flags stitched into your luggage. And we never thought that the states containing Hollywood, Broadway, Wall Street, and the home of the first American primary would be willing to make such a jump, but now that you are here, the future is bright!

Welcome Californitoba, New New Yorkistan, and New New Hampshirio!

Note: we have received proposals from other states and we will consider the matter after the final trial takes place for the former Commander-in-Chief. The ratings are excellent, but these things could go either way. We would not like to be too rash with our invitations and see you all feel compassion and pity for a man who obviously did not deserve to be given such power.

All new extensions of our land below the 49th-parallel are pending.

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