Two Reasons I'll Be giving the Coronation a Miss

The flags are up. The bunting is stretched across the street. Sycophants are placed in front of microphones and, for those who are still in possession of them, forelocks are ready to be tugged. This is all part of what happens here in Merrie England when any kind of royal event is taking place.

This latest one is a biggie; the coronation of a new king, no less. But I shan't be tuning in, waving a flag, or singing Knees Up Mother Brown at a street party. Rather, I'll be hunkered down in my bunker, maintaining radio silence for the duration, with the possible, nay, probable exception of a trip to the pub on Saturday night.

I'm in good company. A recent poll by YouGov found that 41% of 18–24-year olds now say Britain should have an elected head of state, while only 31% would like to see the monarchy continue. I can only see that number increasing, as young people are clearly finding the royals a turn-off, and from what I've seen, the pledge of allegiance has been met largely with derision.

And yet, I'm not an out-and-out Republican by any stretch. I don't agitate for an end to the monarchy, or keep a tumbrel in the garage for later use, but rather I take the view that if I leave them alone, they will return the favour. You see, I find pretty much everything associated with the royal family excruciatingly boring.

The child is father to the man

They say that the child is father to the man, and I believe that maxim could be at the root of my detachment from all things royal. You see, as a young boy, there were few things in life I enjoyed more than an animated cartoon on television. I only had to hear the theme tune from Deputy Dawg, Atom Ant, or The Astronut, to name but three, and I would come running in from playing in the street. My fascination with cartoons was such, I'd watch with goggle-eyes the opening credits of Bewitched and The Phil Silvers Show, and then depart when the live-action started. And an animated TV commercial was almost as good as an episode of The Flintstones to my young eyes.

So it happened one day during my childhood, there was some sort of royal service on television, which comprised grainy black and white images from inside a church with a dreary choir as an audio accompaniment. It seemed to go on forever, and my young soul was tortured at the thought of what I might be missing on the other channel (there were only two at the time). The ceremony dragged on without even the respite of an ad break, perhaps with a roar of They're grrreat! from Tony the Tiger to satisfy my craving for animation. That traumatic episode may have instilled in me the dislike for pomp and pageantry I still feel to this day.

Excessive simpering

But there is another reason I shy away from the monarchy, and that is the excessive simpering that seems to grip a large portion of the populace whenever a royal event is in the offing. To demonstrate, I shall refer to something I posted on Facebook following the birth of Prince Louis, Kate and William's third child.

BBC Radio 5 Live surely takes the cake for the most pointless royal-birth-related feature in their six o'clock bulletin.

"And later we'll be talking to a mum of three to ask about the transition in going from two to three children."

Whoopy-(expletive deleted)-doo.

The current event has seen a surfeit of similar tweeness from presenters and those who've been camped out these past few days in anticipation of a glimpse of the king. I have to say, it makes me cringe.

So, if you're big on the royal family, and intend to celebrate the crowning of the new king, well knock yourself out. As for me, I'll be distancing myself from the whole sorry mess.