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The Five Minute Presidential Manager

Alternate Reality News Service

By Ira NaymanPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer

There has been a lot of speculation of late (sorry — traffic was a bitch) over whether President Ronald McDruhitmumpf reads. You would think, given the myriad (more than a quisling, less than a Riesling) problems with the McDruhitmumpf administration, journalists would have more important matters on which to speculate on (take that grammar purists!). Maybe they watched one too many Reading is *F*A*B* after-school specials when they were young, and the idea of illiteracy haunts their every in-between waking and sleeping moment (like Freddy Kruegerrandover, only without his snappy fashion sense).

Well, speculate no more! Three highly placed sources within the Grey House, two mediumly placed sources in Congress, and one lowly placed source in a Pizza Pit three blocks away from the Capital Building — all of whom asked for anonymity for fear that their reading habits would come under scrutiny — claim that the President does read!

“Yeah,” sniffed highly placed Grey House source two. “When we have an especially complex issue to discuss, we often give the President a children’s book to read when his mind appears to wander. A couple of minutes later, when he seems to be more alert, somebody asks him what part of the story he has gotten to. If he responds, ‘The big fluffy bunny has just jumped over the retaining wall,’ we take the book away from him and get back to the discussion. If he responds, ‘Story? Is it story time already? Oh, goody! What story?’ we know his concentration hasn’t returned and let him get back to the book. I gotta tell you, every day, we pray that that ferking bunny gets over the damn retaining wall already!”

“Yeah,” snorted mediumly placed Congressional staffer two. “When we see the President’s blood pressure rising — Chief of Staff Colourkellygreene’s hobby is aura reading — we give him a colouring book to calm him down. You wouldn’t believe how much we have spent on pencil crayons since the President took office!”

“Yeah,” snirfted lowly placed fast food flinger two. “When he’s hungry, he reads a menu.”

Okay, it’s not exactly A la Recherche du Temps Peru. We said we knew he was reading — we made no promises as to what!

As you might be able to tell (if it had been any less subtle, it would have been a morning TV talk show host!), different books are used to deal with differing Presidential dispositions (not to be confused with Presidential depositions, which are not expected for another six to nine months). Some of these are:

TITLE: Mister Higgledy Piggledy Loses a Toe. READERSHIP: 4-7 year-olds. DESCRIPTION: Mister Higgledy Piggledy, which is, counter-intuitively, a horse, trips over desk jockey Eddie Arkhysterio and breaks a toe. Which must make him some kind of genetic freak, given the generally digitless extremities of your Rose Garden variety horse. Mirth-filled medical mayhem ensues. USE: Illustrating basic health care principles for the President.

TITLE: Psychedoohickey – Pyschedelicatessen – Psychedelshanno – Weird! Weird Images, Man! READERSHIP: All ages, although if it reminds you of the 1960s, you probably weren’t there. DESCRIPTION: If the images in this colouring book were any more abstract, you’d find them at the start of articles in scientific journals! USE: To calm the President down when he is contemplating vivisecting members of his own party...or staff in the room. Especially if he is contemplating vivisecting staff in the room.

TITLE: The Rule of Three. READERSHIP: Adults who are very comfortable with their inner five year-old boy. Maybe a little too comfortable. DESCRIPTION: A scholarly exploration of all things Stooges...with pictures. USE: When the President starts ranting about traitorous cabinet members, clueless Congress members or George Sorobororos (the root of all evil), this is the go to book to calm him down. Given his proclivity (more than a trend, less than an obsequiousness) for angrily lashing out, Grey House staff have ordered enough copies to make it number three on the New Yoricknuhemwell Times books for adults comfortable with their inner five-year-old boy bestseller list.

This portrait of a Grey House where staffers have to go to extraordinary lengths just to get the President to swallow a few facts seems to be what Reduhblican Senator Bob Heezareelcorker was referring to when he remarked, “It looks a lot like the Grey House is an adult day care centre. Granted, the finger paintings are an improvement on the portraits of past Presidents, but still — women around the country have to wonder why they don’t get a similar level of support for their children!”

Token smart person candidate Wilmer Skarretbejeezus summed it up best when he said,

“Nooooooooobody expects the token smart person candida — oh, bugger!”


About the Creator

Ira Nayman

Humour writer. Creator of the Alternate Reality News Service. Novelist (most recent: The Multiverse is a Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There). Satire web site: Les Pages aux Folles. Figment of Andy Borowitz' imagination.

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