TACO Calling PACO - 13

This conversation happened on May 2, 2026 as Trump tries to revive peace talks between Russia and Ukraine.

"Hello, Vlad?"

"Hello, Donnie. What's up?"

"Not much, since we last talked a couple of days ago. I'm calling to follow up about your peace talks with Ukraine."

"Ah, Donnie playing the peacemaker again."

"Not just playing, Vlad. I really want peace. Really want peace for the whole world."

"Uhm, and that's why you are threatening to take over Cuba?"

"Ah, Cuba is asking for it, Vlad. They are starving their own people without electricity and gas and oil. Just starving them. I have to do something, Marco says we have to do something."

"Marco?? And who is to blame for that, Donnie?"

"For what?"

"For Cuban people starving?"

"Are you suggesting it's my fault, Vlad?"

"Of course it is, Donnie. You are the one blocking the tankers to Cuba."

"Well, we have to do that, Vlad, we have to do that because Cuba is a national security threat."

"Oh c'mon, Donnie. What can the tiny Cuba do to you, the Americas' hegemon?"

"Do I sense some hostility from you, Vlad?"

"Stay away from Cuba, Donnie" [menacingly].

"Or what, Vlad?"

"Or I will help Iran develop a nuclear bomb."

"You cannot do that, Vlad!"

"Why? I can, I have the capacity and opportunity. You think I will simply stand and watch how you take out my friends one by one?"

"I didn't know Cuba was your friend, Vlad."

"Really, Donnie? Sometimes I just can't tell if you are that ignorant or that dumb."

"I'm not dumb, Vlad. That hurts, coming from you, my friend."

"Then you need to catch up on the history and layout of geopolitics, Donnie."

"Alright, I will. Just don't say I'm dumb. I'm not dumb" [sounds offended].

"I'm sorry, Donnie, but you act like that sometimes. Please stay away from Cuba."

"Ok, I'll talk to Marco about it."

"Oh, for god's sake, don't talk to Marco about Cuba, Donnie."

"Why? He is my State Secretary, he knows a lot."

"He has a clear agenda when it comes to Cuba, Donnie. He cannot be trusted."

"You say JD cannot be trusted, and now Marco cannot be trusted. Who can I trust then?"

"No one, Donnie, and you know that. You said so yourself, many times. You can trust me, though."

"Oh really, Vlad? Can I trust you to negotiate peace with Ukraine then? This war is getting old. So many people die on both sides, so many people!"

"Give me a break with this old tune, Donnie. Remember how you told King Charles that I don't want peace and want only war?"

"Did I really say that?"

"Yes, the New York Post reported that."

"Well, I must have said so to appease the King, Vlad, I didn't really mean it."

"But I do."

"Really? You want war? Why?"

"We've been at it so many times, Donnie. If I get the peace without victory, I will be finished in Russia. They'll either kill me or put me in jail."

"Oh, no, Vlad, I won't allow for that to happen. Never."

"You have nothing to do with this, Donnie. Russia is still a sovereign nation. I can't win in the Ukraine yet, but I need a truce."

"A truce? For how long?"

"For as long as possible. Months. I need to regroup and revamp my military production so that I could hit Zelenskyy with new force."

"I cannot give you months, Vlad, without some peace guarantees. But we can probably start with the ceasefire. Start with the ceasefire and see where it'll take us."

"Ceasefire will work too, I only need to do my Victory Day parade without the fear of Ukrainian drones raining on it. Can you do that for me, Donnie?"

"I'll talk with Ze about that. I'm pretty sure he can be convinced for the Victory Day celebrations."

"That's all I need for now, Donnie. Thank you."

"I'll get back to you about that, Vlad. Ceasefire is good too. We'll see what happens after."

"Thank you, Donnie. And stay away from the fucking Cuba! Bye!" [hangs up abruptly]

"We'll see about that too, Vlad. Bye!"