TACO Calling PACO - 12

This conversation happened on April 12, 2026, after JD Vance came out with a statement that the US and Iranian negotiation teams failed to reach an agreement about settling the war in the Middle East. Meanwhile, Putin is watching the Hungarian elections like a hawk.

"Hello, Vlad?"

"Yes, Donnie. How are you?"

"Not too good."

"Oh, really? Why?"

"Well, JD failed to reach an agreement with the Iranians. Just failed, can you imagine? Who would have thought that the Iranians are such tough cookies?"

"Oh, c'mon, Donnie, just say it already."

"Say what?"

"That I was right about the Iranians and that you need my help in dealing with them."

"Can you really help, Vlad?"

"Perhaps. But I need you to say it first."

"Say what?"

"That I was right about the Iranians and you don't know who you are dealing with."

"You know I can't say that."

"Why is that, Donnie?"

"Because I wasn't there. I'm sure if I were there, I would have reached a deal with them. A beautiful deal."

"So then why were you not there, Donnie?"

"Because it's a major security risk, Vlad, you know that. I can't travel to the shithole Pakistan. There's not even a Trump Tower there for me to stay."

"Oh, c'mon, Donnie, you know that Pakistanis would do everything for your security. They don't need a calamity of a US president's death to complicate everything that is already going on there."

"Anyway, you mentioned something about helping me?"

"Only after you say I was right."

"About what?"

"Ummm, everything. You not knowing who you are dealing with, Iranians taking you for a ride and getting everything they need out of you, and you looking like you lost the war but declaring that you've won anyway."

"But I didn't lose, Vlad. We've got the ceasefire and the negotiations are far from over. I never lose, and negotiations are still going on."

"So why are you calling me then?"

"Just to see how you are doing. Can't I check in with my friend? But since you've said something about helping me..."

"I feel like we are going in circles, Donnie."

"When?"

"Right now, with you not hearing me and pretending you don't need my help but it was I who offered it."

"Really? Is that what we are doing?"

"I don't have time to beat around the bush, Donnie. I have more important things to do."

"Yeah, like what? What can be more important than talking to me?" [flirty]

"I'm watching the Hungarian elections, Donnie." [serious]

"Oh yeah? How's that going?"

"Not well, Donnie. Not well for me."

"Really? Why"

"They are turning out to the polls, Donnie, especially in Budapest, which is much more liberal than the rest of the country and where the opposition has its stronghold. It's almost 80% turnout now..."

"How is it bad for you? People just come out to vote."

"It means that they are fed up with Orban, Donnie. I told you sending JD there was a bad idea."

"Yeah? How so?"

"The polls show that support for Orban declined after his visit, Donnie. I'm telling you, your JD is either incredibly unlucky and spreads bad luck everywhere he goes or he is playing his own game. Such a dark horse!"

"Oh, c'mon, Vlad. He does everything I tell him to do. He's my man."

"Exactly! A little too eagerly, I'd say. Like he has his own agenda on top of what you tell him to do."

"Like what?"

"I don't know what your word for that is, but in Russian we say 'podsidet' bossa,' which means to be pleasant and obedient but to work against the boss secretly."

"Oh no, JD would never do that to me!"

"Are you sure, Donnie? He is the tech billionaires' guy, not yours. If they tell him to undermine and remove you, he'll do it in a heart beat. Oh, that's the word, to undermine and take the boss' position."

"I doubt it, but I'll think about it. Anyway, you said you can help me with the Iranians?"

"You can be so relentless, Donnie, when you need to. I'll see what I can do. Have to go now, they've got some new numbers from the Hungarian elections for me."

"You got them earlier than any press or Hungarians themselves, Vlad?"

"Of course, I have my people there on the ground helping Orban."

"Can you share that information with me?"

"Get your own intel, Donnie. Bye!"

"Bye, Vlad." After hanging up, "But you yourself told me I didn't need so much intel in Europe and can rely on you for it."

***

This followup happened after Orban conceded the elections to Magyar.

"Hello, Vlad?"

"Yes, Donnie" [tired, upset]

"You're not asleep yet?"

"I won't be able to sleep tonight. I can't believe he just conceded."

"Me too! I always told him, 'Fight, fight, fight!' Whatever it takes. Rig the election, or claim it was rigged, but not just simply concede! Can't believe he did it. Can you believe it?"

"I just don't know what to think. Did someone influence him?"

"I don't know. Maybe the Pope?"

"Nah, I don't think so."

"By the way, did you know that the winner, Peter Madyar, his name literally means 'Hungarian'?"

"Of course I did. It's just a common Hungarian last name, though."

"Really? I didn't know that. Anyway, maybe that's why the people voted for him, how would any Hungarian not vote for a Hungarian?"

"Please don't overload me with your conspiracy theories, Donnie. I'm tired and going to bed now. Tomorrow will be another day. Bye, Donnie."

"Bye, Vlad." After hanging up, "How is it a conspiracy theory if his real name is Hungarian? I need to meet the guy, see what's he all about."