PACO Calling TACO - 3

This conversation happened on September 5, 2025, after Putin, emboldened by the SOC summit and Xi’s warm welcome, returned to Russia’s Far East and stated that he would only meet with Zelenskyy in Moscow.

“Hello, Donnie?”

“Yes, Vlad.” [dry, pouty]

“I feel like our conversation the other day got derailed.”

“Oh yeah? You called me TACO, Vlad. That hurt. Hurt so much. I didn’t call you PACO, did I?”

“PACO? Where is that coming from?”

“Putin Again Chickens Out.”

“I didn’t ask you to spell it out, Donnie. I asked where it came from?”

“How would I know? I guess the same place, the Internet.”

“Never heard of it.”

“The Internet?”

“No, of course I heard about the Internet, that dumpster of human stupidity.”

“Ok, so what haven’t you heard of then?”

“PACO. But I’ve heard of TACO, many times.”

“See, you are doing it again, Vlad.”

“I’m sorry, Donnie. I was a little drunk then. Can you forgive your friend for saying stupid things when drunk?”

“Well, since you apologized” [softer]. “So, why are you calling now?”

“Well, I thought more about a bilat with Zelenskyy, since you are so keen on it.”

“And? What are you thinking?”

“I think we can organize it within a couple of weeks, as you wanted. I know it’s important for you.”

“Yes, it is. But isn’t it important for you? Don’t you want to end this bloody war too? Millions of people have already died, Vlad! Millions!”

“Oh, c’mon Donnie, don’t give this crap to me. You’re not on TV, don’t need to impress me. And no, I don’t really want to end this war.”

“How come?”

“How come you don’t want to release the Epstein files?”

“Oh, c’mon, Vlad, you know I have my reasons. I’ll lose my presidency if I release the files. I’ll just lose it, and I can’t do that.”

“That’s exactly why I don’t want to end the war. I’ll lose the presidency too.”

“Not if you win.”

“We both know it might be problematic. Anyway, let’s do the bilat soon, Ok?”

“Ok, where?”

“I want him to come to Moscow.”

“What? You know he’ll never agree to that.”

“Not if you tell him. He’ll listen to you.”

“No he won’t, Vlad. No one in his position would. He is not crazy that way. It’s like sticking his head into a lion’s open mouth. No one in their right mind would do it.”

“Well, it’s more like a vassal crawling back to his sovereign…”

“Vessel? What are you talking about, Vlad?”

“Historically, Donnie, Ukraine was always a part of Russia and Ukrainian leaders came to Moscow to report to the emperor. Vassal is a noble servant to his master.”

“Ah, in that sense. You know he thinks Ukraine is an independent country now and people support him?”

“What are you saying, Donnie?”

“Even though I can see how you want to humiliate him, Vlad, we need to find another place for the bilat.”

“Well, it can’t be Europe. Everyone supports him there and I don’t want to be arrested on the stupid ICC warrant.”

“How about our great friend Orban?”

“Ze will not go there for the same reasons he won’t go to Moscow. He thinks Orban’s in my pocket.”

“Isn’t he?”

“I thought he was in your pocket, Donnie.”

“I guess we both own him” [both chuckle]. “Although he would probably hate it. Just hate it. He thinks he is his own man.”

“Poor Viktor. Anyway, Hungary won’t work.”

“How about our Middle Eastern friends? MBS?”

“Why do I have a feeling we’ve already discussed this, Donnie?”

“I don’t think so, Vlad. Anyway, how about MBS?”

“That might be an option. Would you talk with him?”

“I’ll have Jared speak with him, no problem.”

“See, I have this feeling again. We‘ve definitely talked about it. What about China?”

“What about it?”

“What if we do the bilat with Ze in China?”

“Do you think Xi would agree to that?”

“Of course he would. He’d love to play a peacekeeper.”

“Oh [pause]. I think MBS would be better. Or our friend Erdogan.”

“No, Erdogan definitely won’t work. I’m not as friendly with him now and he is more on Ze’s side because of Crimean tatars.”

“Crimean who?”

“Long story, Donnie. Erdogan is a no.”

“Ok, let’s think about some other options then and I’ll talk with MBS.”

“And I’ll talk with Xi, right now, before I forget” [hangs up abruptly].

Trump, looking at the phone, “I don’t want Xi to play a peacekeeper. Don’t need that competition for the Nobel.”

***

Author's note: If you missed the previous story and want to get the full context, the one connected to this is here.