PACO Calling TACO - 14

This conversation happened on June 14, 2026, Trump's eightieth Birthday.

"Hello, Donnie!" [cheerful]

"Hi, Vlad!"

"Happy Birthday, my dear friend! I wish you all the best for this day and for many more days and years to come! How does it feel, to turn 80?" To the side: "and be the oldest president in the US history?"

"I don't know, it didn't really make any difference. I still feel the same, Vlad."

"Oh, that's good, Donnie. And your Birthday present is on its way, by the way!"

"Oh really, what is it?"

"I don't want to ruin the surprise for you, so I won't tell you just yet. When you get it call me and tell me how you like it."

"Well, thank you very much, Vlad. I'm sure it's something beautiful and tremendous, right?"

"You'll see, Donnie, you'll see when it arrives. How's your day going so far? Am I the first one to congratulate you? I wasn't sure when to call, was thinking maybe you wanted to sleep in on your birthday."

"I never sleep in, Vlad, never sleep in. I only need 4-5 hours of sleep a night anyway. I've been up since 7 am, doing lots of things, so many things, Vlad!"

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Well, trying to solve the Iran war. It's a tough war."

"I've heard you've almost reached an agreement with the Iranians?"

"Who told you so?"

"I have my sources, Donnie."

"I hope it's not Bibi, Vlad, because he lies. He lies so much, all the time, Vlad, he fucking drives me crazy. And he also has the guts to bomb Lebanon when I told him not to do it. Can you imagine, Vlad, he bombs Lebanon with our weapons! Such chutzpah! The whole world hates him right now and he still doesn't want to do a deal to stop his war! By the way, he called me first today, before you."

"Oh really? Bibi was the first? What did he ask?"

"More weapons, of course. Well, he wished me a Happy Birthday first. But then asked for more weapons to bomb Lebanon and Iran."

"What did you tell him?"

"I said no weapons. No more weapons. I'm trying to end the war with Iran. I don't need any more bombings right now. No more bombings."

"Is it true that you are going to pay Iran $300 Billion in restitution?"

"That's what they want. But they are not getting it. Obama gave them billions in 2016, that's enough. More than enough. I cannot give them any money, that will be the end of me."

"I understand they believe money is a part of the deal."

"Well, they are wrong. You are good friends with them, aren't you?"

"Well, kinda."

"Would you please tell them that they need to open the strait and stop the war against Israel?"

"That's not how it works, Donnie."

"What do you mean?"

"You've started it, you'll have to end it."

"Like you've started the war in Ukraine and are now losing Crimea?"

"Who told you that? I'm not losing Crimea, but the Ukrainian drones are terrorizing my population there. Zelenskyy will pay for it dearly."

"How?"

"Well, let's say Kyiv and Kharkiv will be on fire when you watch your UFC fight tonight."

"Ah, the UFC fight! I'm so looking forward to that! It's going to be a beautiful and tremendous fight, Vlad! No one has ever done a UFC fight at the White House before!"

"I know, Donnie. I guess it's a good way to distract yourself from the fact that your name has been taken off the Kennedy Center and the judge permanently blocked your little insurrectionist compensation fund."

"You sound like one of those woke people, Vlad, one of my enemies."

"Not at all, Donnie, just stating the facts."

"You know, I have to go now, Vlad."

"Really? Was it something I said?"

"No, I just need to go, Eric wants to place some bets and I guess they want to surprise me with a special present or something. Bye, Vlad, and thanks for your wishes!"

"Bye, Donnie, Happy Birthday again!" After hanging up, "Placing bets? I guess it's about the UFC fight. I need to see if I can place some bets there too."