Opinion Papers

Disclaimer: What you are about to read is a highly sarcastic and satirical take on what I hear while listening to conservative talk radio. These are my opinions and I am in no way claiming them as “fact.”

These are my Opinion Papers.

“The Science”

A conservative talk radio host and his partner speak of “the science” as though it is this outside entity that they’re fighting against.

Recently, they spoke of the fact that “the science” is often wrong and that’s why we need to challenge it. They spoke of the fact that in his early parenting days, doctors told parents that they needed to put their babies in their “baby beds” (cribs) on their stomachs with absolute certainty. Now, doctors are telling this generation that it is actually the opposite. That babies need to be put on their backs to prevent SIDS. That they had been telling parents the exact opposite of what should prevent SIDS and have since changed their minds.

They also spoke of the scientific method. But that’s it. “Thats why we have the scientific method.” Yes. We have it. Scientists use it to make the best possible guess as to how to proceed with something that is new and everchanging. Ever evolving.

Their point: that COVID vaccines do not work and “the science” is refusing to back down and change their story.

Okay. Let’s run with that for a second. There has been a big push to get everyone vaccinated. All the way down to 5 year old kids when we’ve seen that young and healthy people are at a far lesser risk of developing serious symptoms. Yet, “the science” still wants to get everyone vaccinated. And we’ve seen that the vaccines are not keeping people from contracting COVID and spreading it to others. True.

Now let’s talk about why.

COVID is a novel virus. Meaning that it DID NOT EXIST before 2020. So, the doctors, including your arch nemesis, Dr. Fauci, are learning about this virus every day. They will make mistakes. They will correct those mistakes. They will make more mistakes and correct those, too. They are learning. They are guessing. They are trying. MOST IMPORTANTLY, THEY ARE HUMAN.

I digress.

You, Conservative Talk Radio friends, are not scientists. You are not experts in any field except perhaps the field of high horses and soap boxes. You are talk show hosts. But. You are who the conservative right are listening to and taking their advice from and that is scary stuff.

Because you two, and your friends Tucker, Donny, and Hannity are all crucifying everyone associated with “the science” for daring to try to prevent serious illness and death. I’m not even talking about eradicating COVID anymore. That’s a whole other tangent that is coming in just a second.

I am talking about “the science” doing their damndest to keep people from dying.

You are telling people not to trust “the science” but rather to trust you. You. People who have no expert knowledge, no training whatsoever, except your big mouths and your righteous indignation.

How dare they try to stop people from dying. The vaccine doesn’t work.

Okay. Tangent time:

The vaccine does not keep people from getting COVID and spreading it to others. That’s true now because the vaccine was created for the original COVID strain. Thanks to you and your posse’s misinformation campaigns, the virus now has 4 different variations. It has mutated well beyond the original strain.

So… No, the vaccine is not going to prevent people from getting COVID and spreading it because it has mutated. Why? Because of your my-body-my-choice campaign (Which is yet another tangent that I’ll get to in just a second).

Donny promised the vaccine. You were all for it because he said he was going to get it for you. Operation Warp Speed ringing any bells? But now that an evil-left-wing-liberal-commie-fascist-democrat-expletive-expletive is in office instead of your cult leader, it’s no longer a good thing. It’s bad now. It doesn’t work. My body. My choice.

But let’s talk about what it does do. The vaccine is proven to be very effective in preventing hospitalizations and death. It is very effective in preventing serious illness. So, while you’re screaming that the vaccines don’t work because they were given to young and healthy people who didn’t even need it and they still got COVID anyway, let’s think about what you’re actually saying here:

Let’s take the chance on their life.

Without the vaccine they could die. They could end up with serious and long term damage.

With the vaccine they had mild cold like symptoms or none at all.

Which sounds better? Peace of mind that even though you could still get COVID, you know it won’t be too bad, or risk it and possibly die?

I know which one I’d choose.…

Covid cases are on the rise. Sure. Cases.

How many of those who are hospitalized right now with COVID have been vaccinated? How many of the dead were vaccinated?

I think you’ll find that number to be less than 10%. I’ll look it up to be sure. But why would you believe me? I’d be getting my facts from the evil-left-wing-liberal-commie-fascist-democrat-expletive-expletive “The science.”

CDC.gov (a site you do not trust, I know - but I am not about to trust your far-right patriot whatever so it would appear we are at an impasse). Data - given by “the science,” which according to you is skewed. Yet you love reporting on it so I will too:

COVID cases between April and July of 2021:

Unvaccinated: 569,142

Vaccinated: 46,312

Hospitalizations

Unvaccinated: 34,972

Vaccinated: 2,976

Deaths

Unvaccinated: 6,132

Vaccinated: 616

If you need to see pretty pictures they’re on the site. I’ll let you go find them. Not that you’ll believe it anyway.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen tweets about how this data is skewed in favor of “the science;” how they are under reporting or over reporting, whichever one fits your agenda at the time; how if the vaccine doesn’t prevent you from getting it then what’s the point? Look up. THATS the point. Those are HUGE differences in the number of lives saved because of this vaccine.

I bet you a million dollars of Monopoly money (I’m good for it, I swear) that if you asked the family members of those 6132 unvaccinated dead, they’d tell you with conviction that they wished their family member had gotten the vaccine.

How many people on their death beds have said, “I wish I had listened to “The science” but it was too late.“

Get off your high horse. Do some good. Because right now, all you’re doing is harm. 6000 lives worth of harm in just 3 months.

Let’s move on.

Now, tangent number two: My body. My choice.

I know, I know, that was way up there but stick with me, okay? We’re almost done.

My body. My choice.

Oh, buddy. First of all, you’re a dude. So shut the f@#$ up.

You’re all privileged white dudes, too. So shut the f@#$ up five times.

There is a very real possibility that you will now completely disregard everything I have already said because I am about to admit that I am a woman. And a woman who has had a D&C, (the same procedure used to perform abortions). Not that it’s any of your business, but I have lost a child and rather than wait for my body to figure out that my child had already passed, I decided to go ahead with the procedure. If it was up to you, the body of the child I had already lost would likely have poisoned me from the inside.

The very fact that you, men, would even dare to spout “my body, my choice” for a simple vaccine poke that will keep you from dying of COVID, while simultaneously fighting to end abortion rights is sickening. I’ve heard your commercials for Patriot Mobile. “Are you fed up with giving Verizon your money when they support abortions? Switch to patriot mobile [so you too can be a misogynistic and chauvinistic pig like me].” I added that last part. But the rest of it is a real commercial that plays during these radio broadcasts.

First of all, Verizon supports Planned Parenthood. Yes, they do perform abortions. But that is such a small part of what they do. They also provide crisis counseling for rape and incest victims, they provide unbiased support for terrified pregnant teens and women, they provide contraception so that they don’t even NEED to perform abortions in the first place. They give teens realistic options because, let’s face it, they’re not going to stop having sex. No matter how loud you yell at them, they are not going to stop. So, Planned Parenthood helps them be smart about it.

So, bravo Verizon for supporting the mental and physical health of women and teens everywhere. Bravo. You’ve got my support, hands down.

To sum it up: You have no right to use ”my body, my choice.” So stop. Now. Because you’re two-faced hypocrites.

Now, let’s talk mask mandates because I know you love to crucify “The science” for this, too. I’ve heard every excuse under the sun. My favorite is when you publicly shame people for wearing masks by resorting to middle school bullying tactics. “You look stupid.” Good job. You really told them.

To quote you, “my body, my choice.” If I want to wear a mask STFU and let me. Just shut up. If they don’t work, they don’t work. I’m still of the opinion that they do help slow the spread, but what do I know? I’m a woman AND an evil-left-wing-liberal-commie-fascist-democrat-expletive-expletive. Eek. Double scary.

They do not stop people from being able to breathe. They do not trap germs and viruses inside the masks. They. Are. Not. Harming. Anyone. Especially you. You don’t want to wear one, okay. Don’t. But if the people around you are choosing to wear one for whatever reason, please practice what you preach and let them make their own choices for their own bodies.

Phew. That was fun.

Tune in next time for more fun!

These are Opinion Papers.