The Swamp logo

Newsflash: Bear in Red Hat Jailed in Marmalade Trafficking Scandal!

by Rosalyn Grams 4 years ago in satire

Interpol Raid on 'Sandwiches' at Macchu Piccu! — 16 November 2023

Pictured: Mr. P Bear photographed on arrival at Scotland Yard today, where officers checked his red hat for illegal marmalade.

As the Brown family watched the evening news, they decided that the snooty news presenter seemed far too condescending...

"Mr. P Bear of 32 Windsor Gardens, London has been taken into custody today amidst Marmalade Trafficking allegations. His adoptive parents, Mr. and Mrs. Brown fear their furry child may be extradited... Foreign Affairs Minister Boris Buttwaffle was unavailable for comment but issued a statement denying any Government knowledg about the Sandwich Incidents at the popular gap year destination, Macchu Piccu..."

After the Brexit shambles of 2019, and all the financial cuts forced on everyone not working in Westminster, times got hard in the UK. Funds cut to those on benefits forced them into crime, and recorded arrest numbers increased by 203 percent in the year following our departure from the EU.

Protests and riots over living standards led government ministers to look for other sources of revenue, and it was all going according to plan until Boris Buttwaffle accidentally sold the UK to a Peruvian druglord, whilst thinking he was hiding money in a tax avoidance account in South America.

The incident was raised during Prime Minister's question time this week. Ministers of the anti-immigration party suggested using the opportunity to get rid of Peruvian immigrants, and if Peru didn't like it, too bad.Economics ministers began to look into possible trade deals, just in case the situation turned out not to be so bad after all... and stumbled onto reports of the ongoing Marmalade trade.

Interpol Raid Macchu Piccu

Interpol and the Peruvian police and customs officers spent four days travelling to Macchu Piccu to carry out a raid on burberry clad bears reportedly hovering around the place asking "Oi! Mate! - Wanna a buy a sandwich?"

The dealers, some of them being Paddington's cousins, were very upset when arrested for marmalade dealing, as they couldn't prove that all the sandwiches were for personal use.Ted, an American cousin of Paddington, simply couldn't understand all the fuss. He pointed out that the sandwiches were on gluten free bread made from fair trade camel shit... so they should be suitable for vegans and millenials. It wasn't like they were trying to poison anyone...

What Now for the Addicts?

Another victim of marmalade abuse contemplates his future.

Percival Wankbottom, a pretentious hipster Tory Undergraduate from Eton, was travelling through Peru while on his gap year and was caught up in the raid. His parents are going to be awfully upset.

He was crying so hard his travelling companions thought Katie Hopkins had tried to talk to him or something...

Percival cried aloud, "Oh, gracious! Mummykins will stop my allowance and make me get an actual job now..."
His parents confirmed they have contacted their private healthcare specialists to get him into rehab back home in London, but fear he may already have developed a sweet tooth or want to join a diabetics cult.

Bear: "I just fell on really hard times..."

Mr. Bear told our reporter today that he became involved in illegal Marmalade trading because he was desperate for cash after his benefits were cut. After many years claiming disability benefits because he had no thumbs, Mr. Bear had his only income cut because DWP assessors found him fit for work, even though he can't pick anything up or even do up the buttons on his wee blue duffle coat.

Mr. Bear claims his human adoptive family have to throw his red hat at his head because he can't pick it up and put in on his head without assistance.

DWP spokesman Terry Twat commented this afternoon:

"The DWP simply will not continue to fund claimants who refuse to go to interviews for jobs they are completely incapable of doing. Mr. Bear was offered interviews as a cocktail maker, knife juggler, and drummer boy in a local pantomime and failed to turn up for all three interviews.
Despite sending us proof of his lack of thumbs on seven separate occasions and Mr. Bear undergoing three medical assessments, we still do not believe a bear has no opposable thumbs, and is therefore incapable of carrying out the tasks involved in all three of the jobs advertised."

satire
Rosalyn Grams
Rosalyn Grams
Read next: New Mexico—It's like a State, like All the Others!
Rosalyn Grams

#walking on wonky kneesI write about journeys,imaginary worlds, disability challenges, satire & other topics. Twitter @rosgrams Email [email protected] Facebook https://www.facebook.com/walkingonwonkyknees/

See all posts by Rosalyn Grams

Find us on socal media

Miscellaneous links