Invasion of the Gays
A Modest Proposal to Ensure the Safety and Comfortability of Homophobic Heterosexuals Everywhere
For thousands of years, The Heterosexuals have roamed the earth, living together in harmony, but the peace quickly came to an end when the 21st century rolled around. A never-before-seen species began to sprout like weeds among them; The Homosexuals, more commonly known as "The Gays." Although both sides swim in the same pool of genetic makeup—Homo Sapiens—The Gays are still an obvious danger to the rest of mankind.
Demanding basic human rights and equality? What the hell is that? What if they influence the heterosexual kids to sin? What if they infect them with their disease? With such a threat posed towards The Heterosexuals, something must be done. I propose that not just one, but many precautions be taken against The Gays, since I know firsthand just how dangerous they can be.
First of all, The Heterosexuals should pass a law to have the bladders of every homosexual removed. You know, that way they don’t have any perverts lingering in public washrooms whatsoever.
Second of all, they could take away all of our communication devices. Actually, while they’re at it, they may as well just cut out our tongues, too. This would ensure that we would not be able to organize peaceful protests or hold pride events to express our rights to individuality; with that problem out of the way, The Heterosexuals would no longer have to worry about The Gays disrupting their daily lives with their existence.
Third of all, why not just ban us from all forms of education? If we can’t learn, we can’t gain knowledge to plan out how we are going to take over your planet and to eliminate same sex love. If you’re not gay, we'd love to force our horrible plague upon you. Let’s not kid ourselves here—we all know that’s the only goal The Gays have on their minds at any given moment of the day.
Next up, I’m going to expose not only myself, but the rest of The Gays, as well, by letting you in on a little secret. Praying away “The Gay?” It absolutely works! Who knew? If you shove a handful of homosexuals into a church for at least twenty four hours, one of two things is going to happen:
1. We will instantly become like any other heterosexual on planet Earth and begin to fall in love with people of the opposite sex.
2. There will be so much sin compacted into one building that our time will come and the pits of hell will rise up through the ground and swallow us whole! It’s a win-win!
Finally, even though murdering us may seem like a fun Friday night activity, being the civilized heterosexuals that you are, you may have a little bit of a heavy conscience. So, the solution? Shove us all into a rocket ship and send us into space! Wow! What an idea! Not only will you have a clean conscience, but you will eliminate The Homosexual race forever, because The Heterosexuals know best that we aren’t born the way we are, we simply choose to be gay. If there is no gay example set for anyone to follow, you will no longer have to worry about us sprouting up in new and unexpected places as we once did.