Getting a Chinese with the Kids

I don’t understand politics. I’ve absolutely no idea what any of it means and what is actually going on with this country half the time. Brexit? Oh yeah, I’m going there. Up until recently I didn’t understand it what with the whole deal/No deal situation. Like, is Noel Edmonds gonna pop out from nowhere in a minute and say ‘psych, you’re actually on my gameshow!’? People can literally have a debate about Brexit in front of me, even shout about it in my face, and I will stand there with dead eyes and a blank expression taking not one single point in.

That is why—after some extensive but simple research—I’ve decided to explain what little I understand of deal/no deal Brexit.

Picture this: We (the UK) are one big family and our mother is Teresa May (granted not all of us are happy about her being our forced mum, but hey, you can’t choose your family). Mother Teresa asks us all if we want a Chinese for tea or if we want McDonald's, the majority of us choose the Chinese takeaway (fair vote) so that’s what we go with.

Mother May then hands us babies the menu for the Chinese and says, ‘Right, here’s what we could have, choose something and I’ll order it but there’s no guaranteeing they have everything in okay?’ Because you know, kids can get ahead of themselves sometimes and it’s best that the parent attempts to warn their child/children that they may not always get what they want and that’s life unfortunately. It is a well-known fact though, children (politicians) can be exceedingly indecisive and comparing that statement to parliament then you’ve hit the nail on the head—it’s just one large playground for big kids.

So we’ve told mum to order Chow Mein and she goes to order it for us but the Chinese takeaway are like, ‘Sorry Hun no can do, we’re out of noodles tonight, we can offer you special fried rice and free prawn crackers though,’ so we go back to the drawing board and decide to re-order in a bit after a little family chat.

The big kids in this family kick OFF and throw the fattest tantrum you’ve ever seen and say, ‘Well screw this Chinese, we wanted McDonald's anyway so let’s just re-vote cos Maccies is CLEARLY gonna win this time anyway.’

Now mums gotta try and calm them down and say ‘No little babies, the vote for Chinese was won fair and square so we just have to order something they have in instead.'

After a lot of failed orders with this one takeaway place, our dear old mum is buckling under the pressure of trying to please all of us and place a good order, so she hands the baton over to our elected stepdad Boris.

I guess we wait in anticipation to see if we’ll ever get our goddamn Chinese.