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Damn Liberals

Nothing ever really changes.

By Mark GagnonPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
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Damn Liberals
Photo by Dan Sealey on Unsplash

“Gentlemen, let me start with introductions,” came a voice from a speaker placed in the center of the table. “At the far side of the table is Ramses II, Pharaoh of Egypt during the exodus. To his right Pope Leo X, head of the Roman Catholic Church during the time of Martin Luther and the great reformation. Next to him is King George III, England’s monarch, when the American Revolution occurred. Our next guest is King Louis XVI, the last monarch of France (holding his severed head). Moving on, we have Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederacy, Adolph Hitler and, last but not least, Joseph Stalin. The one thing that you attendees have in common is a distinct hatred of liberals. Am I correct?”

All attendees in unison exclaimed, “Damn Liberals!”

“I thought as much,” said the disembodied voice. “Would anyone care to share?”

“I’ll start,” Ramses grumbled. “All was going well. Monuments, palaces, pyramids were all being built on time and under budget thanks to free slave labor. Then along comes Moses preaching freedom, and a Promised Land. Suddenly, poof, its exodus time. There went my construction projects!”

“Damn Liberals!”

Pope Leo was next. “My church was the absolute power during the Middle Ages. We had Western Europe under our thumb. Sure, there were some Jews, but they were manageable, and the Muslims mainly stayed in the Middle East. All was as it should be until Martin Luther started his reformation movement. It spread like wildfire and before I could stop it, splinter groups were springing up almost every day.

“Damn Liberals!”

“I had the most powerful navy in the world,” lamented George. “North America was our colony and had only the rights we allowed them to have. Revolt over taxes and a lack of representation, preposterous! That’s what I thought, anyway. Then people like Thomas Payne and Sam and John Adams began stirring up the rabble and ruined everything.”

“Damn Liberals!”

Louis had nothing to say (because he couldn’t), instead he placed his severed head on the table before him and pounded his fists.

Everyone said it for him, “Damn Liberals!”

The next person to speak was Jefferson Davis. “We in the South had a wonderful way of life, gentile and refined. It was those crass Northerners with their factories, mechanized harvesting methods, and free thinking that destroyed our lifestyle. They swooped in, freed our slaves and carved up our plantations all in the name of human rights and progress.”

“Damn Liberals!”

By this time, Adolf was red in the face and ready to tell his tale of woe. “My plan was to restore the German people to their rightful place as world dominators. If only I had invaded England instead of using rockets and bombs, the liberal Americans would have never had a place to stage their troops.

“Damn Liberals!”

“I had it all working the right way,” said Joseph Stalin. “Russians were forced to contribute to the state or be sent to the gulags. We were all of one mind, or else! So, what happens? I die and not one successor is strong enough to take my place. They allow the liberals to chip away at what I built until the wall came tumbling down.”

“Damn Liberals!”

The room fell silent. From the far end came a faint click, followed by a sliding sound. A well-disguised door slid open, and an impeccably dressed man stepped forward. His skin had a reddish hue and there was an odd shaped bump on either side of his forehead. It became clear when he spoke, this was the moderator heard on the speaker.

“Gentlemen, I feel your pain, as I, too, have been fighting this wave of liberalism for eons. I actually considered myself a liberal in the beginning, trying to change the hierarchy of heaven, but failed. Over the years, one indisputable fact has stood out above all else. When the liberals prevail and achieve their lofty goals, they become conservatives. That’s right, the most ardent of liberals will defend his beliefs to the death rather than accept change, making them conservatives.”

So, all together now, “Welcome Liberals, the future of the conservative movement!”

satire
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About the Creator

Mark Gagnon

I have spent most of my life traveling the US and abroad. Now it's time to create what I hope are interesting fictional stories.

I have 2 books on Amazon, Mitigating Circumstances and Short Stories for Open Minds.

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