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Calling Moscow - 7

One of the friends is bored and lonely

By Lana V LynxPublished 12 months ago Updated 12 months ago 5 min read
3
By Oleh Smal, Ukrainian cartoonist

This conversation happened on January 26, 2022

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie. What is it?” (sharply) “I’m really busy.”

“Busy even for me?” (pouting)

“Yes.” To the side, “Especially for you,” to Trump, “But for you I have several minutes.”

“Oh, good, for a second there I thought you didn’t want to talk with me” (relieved).

“So, what is it about, Donnie?”

“Oh, well, I don’t really know. I guess I just wanted to hear your voice.”

To the side, “I’m not your girlfriend, Donnie.” To Trump, “Oh, that’s nice. But didn’t we talk like a week ago?”

“Well, yes, but so much has changed during that week!”

“That’s true, Donnie, a lot of things happened. What’s new on your end?”

“Well, I don’t know. The courts seem to be ganging up on me, New York’s AG is after me, and now this fucking Jan.6 commission is allowed to look at the documents. Can you believe that? They are stopping at nothing, Vlad! Nothing! They’d go after kids now, can you imagine? Kids!”

“Wait, are they going after Barron? How?”

“No, not Barron! Why would they go after Barron? He is just a kid, knows nothing.”

“You just said they were going after your kids, Donnie.”

“I meant Ivanka!”

“Oh Donnie, I know she is your favorite and everything, but isn’t she like 40?”

“Yes, so?”

“So, she is not a kid anymore.”

“She’s always a kid to me! My sweet little girl” (dreamily).

“Obviously, to you she’s always your kid. But wasn’t she your advisor officially as well? Working out of the White House?”

“Yes. But this is exactly what my enemies say, Vlad. Whose side are you on?”

“It’s not about sides, Donnie. It’s about the legality of the issue. This is exactly why I never even thought about bringing my adult daughters into the government work. To protect them from this type of exposure.”

“That’s smart, Vlad. So, where do they work then?”

“Private businesses.”

“Yours?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Why so cryptic, Vlad? You can trust me.”

“It’s not that, Donnie. I’m not supposed to have any private businesses.”

“Oh, I see. How are your kids, good?”

“Yeah, they are fine. Yours?”

“Mine are under investigation. Can you believe that?”

“All of them?”

“Well, Don Jr. might get into hot waters, just like Ivanka. Eric was running our tremendous family business and they are now going after it as well.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Donnie.”

“Yeah, I’m fighting them by countersuing and stonewalling. It will take years for them to investigate me. Years. And then hopefully we’ll win the midterm elections this year.”

“And then what?”

“If we take back the House and the Senate we’ll stop all these fake investigations. The GOP will not do that to me. I hold them by the balls, Vlad. They work for me now.”

“Good plan, Donnie. What if you lose?”

“I never lose, Vlad.”

“Ok, what if you don’t win the elections?”

“That means the Dems will have cheated again. Frauds. There’s no way for them to keep both the House and the Senate. Never happened before. Never.”

“But still, if they manage to hold on to power, Donnie?”

“I guess I’ll have to ask for your help again, Vlad” (laughs nervously).

“I’m not sure I will be able to help this time, Donnie, I have too many problems of my own.”

“Ukraine?”

“Yes.”

“I’m now watching this, Vlad. Seems like the NATO guys are not joking, giving all that help to Ukraine.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah, all those fighter jets and equipment and training they are going to give Ukraine.”

“You think they are not bluffing?”

“Don’t think so. They say they are doing that to prevent your incursion into Ukraine.”

“I’m not going there. At least not now.”

“Yeah? So, what’s all those magnificent military exercises and drills you are doing are about?”

“Just to keep my troops in shape.”

“Got it. I, by the way, watched that video your military posted about the exercises of your missile defense troops. They are incredible, impressive, Vlad, they all look so fit and well-equipped! Central casting. Strong, too.”

“I’m glad you liked it, Donnie. I’ve invested a lot of money and effort into modernizing my troops.”

“That is obvious, Vlad. Your military is tremendously beautiful. So, what are your plans for Ukraine now? I’m sure you are doing all of this not just to show off your muscle.”

“At this point, I don’t know, Donnie. I promised Xi that I wouldn’t start anything until the Beijing Olympics are over.”

“You still talk to him?”

“Not only that, we had some joint military exercises done just recently.”

“Why, Vlad? Is he your friend now?”

“Not a friend like you are, Donnie, and together we can make NATO nervous.”

“Together, you and I?”

“No, me and Xi.”

“I see. I’d hate you to be friends with him, Vlad. He is sneaky. He can backstab you and you’d never know it.”

“Yeah, I know, Donnie, but I have no choice. I don’t like to be bullied, and NATO is bullying me now and I need as many friends on my side as I can get.”

“I understand, Vlad. But NATO people are saying it’s you who is bullying Ukraine.”

“It’s between me and Ukraine. I can bully her as much as I want. She’s mine. She thinks she is independent, but she is mine. She just refuses to admit it, but I’ll make her come back to me.”

“Who?”

“Ukraine.”

“Phew. For a second there, I thought you were talking about a woman.”

“Ha-ha, Donnie, why would you think that?”

“You just said ‘she’ talking about Ukraine.”

“Did I?”

“Yes, you did.”

“Hmm, must be my Russian interfering. In Russian all inanimate things, including countries, have gender. Ukraine is ‘she,’ so there.”

“Ok, Vlad, but is there a ‘she,’ a real woman in your life now?”

“Here you go with personal questions again, Donnie. I have to go now, duty calls. Bye, Donnie.”

“Bye, Vlad.” Confused, looking at the phone, “I hope he didn’t get offended.”

satire
3

About the Creator

Lana V Lynx

Avid reader and occasional writer of satire and dystopia under a pen name of my favorite wild cat.

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