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Calling Moscow - 6

by Lana V Lynx 14 days ago in satire

A friend keeps his January 6 promise

By Oleh Small, Ukrainian political cartoonist

This phone call took place on January 7, 2022.

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie,” to the side, “Shit, I forgot to tell Peskov not to put him through today.”

“Merry Christmas, my dear friend!”

“Thank you, Donnie, I really appreciate you remembered.”

“Well, I told you yesterday I’d call. So here I am, calling.”

“I’m glad, Donnie,” to the side, “Not really.”

“So, how did you celebrate, Vlad? Do you have anything special that you do on this holy day?”

“Well, I attended the overnight service at the Church of the Image of the Savior, located at my presidential residence in Novo-Ogaryovo, outside Moscow.”

“That sounds cool. Alone, no family?”

“Yes, Donnie, alone. It’s safer that way,” to the side, “He is so desperate to learn something about my family, like I’d tell his blabbering mouth anything.”

“That doesn’t sound like fun.”

“The church service is not supposed to be fun, Donnie. It’s a long service, you need to stand there for the whole night to show your people that you are accountable to God.”

“Sure, sure, Vlad. But did you at least have a nice celebration at home after the service, with your loved ones?”

“Yes, I did, thank you for asking.”

Awkward pause.

“Did you have something nice to eat, to celebrate Christmas?”

“I have the best chef in the world, Donnie, of course I did.”

“Nice. Is it true that you have a poison taster, Vlad?”

“Who?”

“Someone who eats your food first, to make sure it’s not poisoned?”

“What kind of nonsense is that, Donnie? Of course not! I trust my chef, he is a childhood friend.”

“Oh, that’s good. There are so many rumors about your life, Vlad. You are so secretive.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s better that way, Donnie. No one needs to know the details of my personal life. It’s private.”

“See, I could never do this here. My life was always on display. Paparazzi and snooping media never left me and my family alone.”

“I know, Donnie, but you also loved that attention, didn’t you?”

“I kinda did, true.”

“Do you miss it?”

“I miss my rallies. I had some of the best rallies, really big ones, too. I loved talking to people who loved and admired me.”

“Don’t you still do them, Donnie?”

“Yeah, but not as often as I did before. And they don’t have as many people as before. Attendance is low. So low it’s embarrassing. I blame the media.”

“Why is that? You still have a lot of supporters.”

“Yeah, but I’m not on Twitter anymore and the lamestream media don’t cover me. So people just don’t know what I’m doing and when. I’m going to have a rally in Arizona this weekend, hopefully people will show up.”

“I hope so too, Donnie. Seems like those rallies are good for you.”

“Yeah, they are. If I decide to run again in 2024, I will announce that at a rally.”

“You have not decided yet?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Have you seen what Biden said about me yesterday?

“No, I didn’t really pay attention, what did he say?”

“He called me a former president, said that I had instigated the January 6 insurrection, accused me of perpetuating the Big Lie and ‘putting the dagger to our democracy’s neck.’ Can you imagine?”

“Isn’t it all true, Donnie?”

“No, because HE is dividing the society, lying about the election, and failing in everything. January 6 was not an insurrection. It was a protest against the fraudulent election that Biden lost. True patriots went to the Capitol and were provoked by Antifa and BLM to storm it. Whose side are you on, Vlad?”

“Always yours, Donnie. I’m your friend, remember.”

“Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, Vlad” (pouting).

“What can I do to make you feel better, Donnie?”

“Promise me you will support me when I decide to run again in 2024.”

“I already told you I would, Donnie, but only if I get out of it what I need as well.”

“The sanctions again?”

“Yes, and other things that you started but never finished, such as disabling NATO and bringing Russia back into the G-7 fold.”

“You know I tried, Vlad.”

“You did, but obviously with very little results.”

Awkward silence again.

“So, what’s the news from Kazakh land?”

“Well, I sent the troops there, and some military equipment and weapons. President Tokayev gave a shoot to kill order to his law enforcement. They arrested about 4000 rioters and already have like 200 dead terrorists.”

“Wow, 200? Do you think that will stop them?”

“Only time will tell. My troops are supposed not to interfere, just to protect the government buildings and prevent looting, enforce the curfew and order in the streets. But the Kazakhs already are calling my troops ‘occupants.’ Ingrates!”

“That’s tough. I hope it doesn’t get too ugly.”

“Me too. I don’t need that headache, need to put my focus back on Ukraine.”

“Are you still going to invade it?”

“I don’t know yet.” To the side, “Like I’d tell you the truth.”

“OK, will you keep me posted?”

“Sure, Donnie. I have to go now, duty calls.”

“I understand, Vlad. Merry Christmas again!”

“Thank you. Have a great rally in Arizona, Donnie. Bye.”

“Bye, Vlad.” After hanging up, “I feel like he is getting colder with every conversation. Like he is not really my friend anymore.”

satire

Lana V Lynx

Avid reader and occasional writer of satire and dystopia under a pen name of my favorite wild cat.

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