Calling Moscow - 12

This conversation took place at 6:15 pm on March 20, 2023.

“Vlad, Vlad, Vlad!”

“Yes, Donnie, what’s up?”

“’What’s up?’ What do you mean, ‘What’s up?’ Haven’t you heard what just happened?”

“It’s one in the morning here, Donnie. I was sleeping…”

“Alone?”

“None of your business, Donnie. You’d better have a good reason to call me at this time…”

“I do, Vladimir, I do!”

“Ooh, ‘Vladimir,’ so official. Must be serious.”

“It is serious, Vlad. Dead serious. I’ve been indicted.”

“You’ve been what???”

“Indicted, Vlad.”

“What does that mean?”

“They will drag me to court as a defendant, like a dog, Vlad. They will drag me like a dog and, and make me talk about it.”

“Talk about what?”

“The fucking Stormy Horseface.”

“Oh, you mean you’ll have to tell how you fucked her?”

“God I hope not! That was a disaster! But they will make me talk about how I paid her to keep her big horse mouth shut about it.”

“Oh fuck, Donnie, that’s nothing.”

“What do you mean, nothing? I’ve been indicted!”

“Didn’t you already say that it was all not true and that she was just trying to extort you?”

“I did, but no one believes me. The jurors in New York will never believe me. They hate me there, Vlad. They used to love me but now they hate me there.”

“Just keep at it, Donnie. It’s the weakest case against you. So what that you paid her not to talk about fucking you?”

“First, I fucked her, Vlad.”

“Not what I heard.”

“She didn’t fuck me. Except for extorting the money.”

“If you say so, Donnie. What’s second?”

“???” (dumbfounded).

“You said, first you fucked her. What’s second, Donnie, are you still with me?” (irritated)

“No one fucked anyone second, Vlad.”

“What’s your second point, Donnie?” (impatiently)

“Oh, I see. Second, it’s a campaign finance law violation, Vlad. No one really cares I’d fucked her. But it’s pretty serious, campaign finance law, they tell me.”

“Hire yourself the best lawyer, Donnie, you know your law is very flexible and has many loopholes.”

“I can’t. All the best lawyers are too busy for me, for some reason.”

Putin, to the side, “For some reason… ha-ha.”

Trump, “Those who agree to work with me will be probably disbarred or indicted soon, too. Or are too ugly, don’t look good on TV. So ugly!”

“Then you need to do what you do best, Donnie.”

“Yeah, what’s that?” (flattered, in a flirty voice)

“Play the victim card, Donnie. No one can do that better than you.”

“I’m trying, Vlad, I really am. I tried to do that in Waco, and it worked. Everyone loved me there! Did you see how they cheered and clapped for me? But this is New York City. Everyone hates me there.”

“Even so, if you continue playing the victim card and rally up your support you may get elected again and then no one will dare to put you to prison.”

“I hope so, Vlad. You always make me feel better.”

“Glad to help, Donnie.”

“But wait, what did you mean when you said this was the weakest case against me, Vlad?”

“I’d be much more concerned if you were indicted for January 6 or Georgia phone call.”

“You really think so?”

“Yes, as I was explained those cases have more legal standing.”

“Well, they are not over yet. I am afraid I might get indicted on those too…”

“Just play the victim card, Donnie. As I’m telling you, you can rally your support and stretch this out. Why would they want to take the country to the brink of a civil war?”

“You really think a civil war can break out because of me?”

“I’ll help, Donnie. Nothing makes me feel better than seeing America falling apart.”

“Hey, Vlad, this is still my country.”

“Not anymore, Donnie. It’s Biden’s now. Remember, it was hijacked from you? And you need to take it back!”

“Will you really help me?”

“Of course, as much as I can. But my opportunities now are somewhat limited.”

“Yes, I know. We never talked about your arrest warrant, Vlad. What’s that about?”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Donnie. They can’t get to me here and I’m not going to travel anywhere where they can.”

“Is it really that simple, Vlad?”

“Of course. I’m safe, no one can get to me.”

“In a bunker?”

“What’s this obsession of yours with bunkers, Donnie?”

“I don’t know, Vlad, it’s just fascinating.”

“Nothing fascinating about living underground, Donnie.”

“Really? I thought it would be... Did you hear, our friend Silvio is looking into building a bunker for himself?”

“Of course, he called me about it, asked lots of questions.”

“About how to build a bunker?”

“That too, but mostly about whether I was really going to drop a nuke on Ukraine that would reach Italy. That old fox Silvio wants to live forever.”

“Don’t we all, Vlad, don’t we all… but could you really, Vlad?”

“Of course. If I know I have nothing to lose and no more options to get what I want, I could drop a tactical nuke on Ukraine. I’m not sure it would reach Italy, though. I’m not sure anyone knows, as no one ever used them before.”

“Oh, wow. Can you nuke America?”

“Of course, that’s what the ballistic nukes are for.”

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“C’mon, Donnie, you were the president. You have those nukes too. But if we start dropping them on each other, the whole world will go kaboom. No one wants that.”

“So, what do you really want then, Vlad? Why are you still in Ukraine?”

“Because I want it back!”

“Was it ever yours?”

“Of course, in the Soviet Union, and back in Catherine the Great’s times.”

“I didn’t know that!”

“So many things you don’t know, Donnie. Did you ever learn any history?”

“Not Russian history, for sure.”

“Well, you need to catch up, because Russian history will soon become the world’s history and because if you become president again you and I will have to settle this.”

“Settle what?”

“The war in Ukraine. By the way, stop telling everyone that you’d stop the war quickly if you were the president. Or that I was so scared of you that I would have never started it.”

“I have to say something, Vlad. The media are always grilling me about it: How will you stop the war in Ukraine?”

“Tell them you’d get to it when you become president again. Don’t make me look like an idiot who is afraid of you. You are not a macho guy in this relationship” (menacingly).

“Ok, Vlad, sorry. Won’t do it again.”

“Good. I really want to go back to sleep now, Donnie.”

“I totally understand, Vlad. Good night.”

“Talk to you later, Donnie. Bye.” After hanging up, “He is getting stupider by the day.”