Beyond The Red Hat
A Christmas Gift Guide for the Bootlickers on Your List
Written by H M Hines December 12, 2020
Artist - BlackStar
If you have a Bootlicker on your holiday shopping list, and we all seem to, you may be stressing out how to get them the perfect gift. Whether it's your uncle, the armchair constitutional law expert, your coworker and resident QAnon groupie, or your brother’s new knock off Tomi Lahren girlfriend, we all have that one person with whom we have so very little in common with on every level, that gifting is nigh impossible. If you picked the wrong name out of the Secret Santa drawing this year and are stuck scrambling for a gift for someone you’d sooner give the finger to than a present, have no fear, we have you covered.
Now, usually, “Holiday Shopping” is the generally accepted terminology, but for the purposes of this article, “Christmas” will fill the place of “Holiday” because if your Bootlicker giftee found out that you were Holiday Shopping, they might reject the gift on principle, and treat you to a diatribe about why “Holiday” is the worst possible thing anyone has ever said to anyone in the history of spoken language. Never mind that “Holiday” literally means “Holy Day” but whatever.
We’ll be breaking down these gifts into subcategories for every budget and level of effort. We will cover mass-produced capitalist garbage and DIY, as well as some great suggestions for nonmaterial gifts! Just to be safe, be sure to wrap whatever gift you've chosen in the most garish red and green and white paper possible, bonus points if it has angels or Jesus on it. Never, ever a Black Santa Claus though. That makes them so mad for some reason. Like really mad.
Practical, Useful, and Personalized Gifts for the Boot Flavor Aficionado
• A nice Kiwi shoe polish kit in black can easily be procured online or at any boot shop! Add in a toothbrush too!
• Durable knee pads! Not the kind for choreographed dancers, those won't be enough support for the truly devout! Get a nice heavy-duty pair at a sporting goods store.
• A pig Kigurumi is a fantastic gift for capitalist piggies of every age, gender, and most sizes. They're cozy and comfy and when paired with our next item, absolutely a perfect way to show everyone what a good little piggie they are. Yes, they are! Who is a good little piggie?!
• A tee-shirt, sticker, bikini, hat, etc. featuring any or all of the following motifs; “Thin Blue Line”, “Blue Lives Matter” “Don't Tread On Me” or whatever random flag/eagle/firearms/cross combination, best with a slogan that really “owns the libs” on the back and front, as large as possible. Large. Go for large. Subtlety is for snowflakes, right?
• A pack of wooden tongue depressors so your giftee can re-train their gag reflex to allow for maximum boot sucking.
• Earplugs and an eye mask, so they never have to see or hear anything that conflicts with their worldview or learn about anything that might hurt God’s feelings.
DIY or Die! Homemade Gifts! Because who has money? No one does!
• No conspiracy theorist should ever be without their own foil helmet. Foil helmets are an economical way to show you care while protecting your giftee from 5G, vaccines, chemtrails, gayness, vampires, MSNBC, compassion, and socialism. Simply use as much foil as possible and mold it around a big, stupid, pumpkin.
• A hand-knit or crochet mask! Don't worry, these are 100% ineffective at stopping any viruses at all, they are far too loosely woven to prevent particulates from circulating. This way, the wearer can still go places where masks are required while maintaining their right to not protect themselves or anyone else from anything at all. You can even make it red white and blue for the true patriot.
• A fake doctor's note stating they don't have to wear a mask or get vaccines. Put those photoshop skills to work. Make it fancy, laminate it.
• Use their own stockpile of online retailer delivery boxes to build them a shrine to capitalism, where they can offer their entire paycheck week after week in hopes that one day the God of Billionaires will bless the devout with His miraculous work ethic and bootstrap gumption so that they may also one day be callous monster billionaire gods.
Too Much “Stuff”? How about a non-tangible gift?
Sometimes the best gift isn't something bought in a store or even something one can hold in their hands. Consider making a donation in the giftee’s name, especially using their personal email and home address if possible, so they will receive emails and letters soliciting more and more donations year after year after year..... Tuck the receipt for the donation in a nice card featuring a photo of your middle finger, and voila! Best gift ever, and one they will never forget because they’ll be getting multiple emails about it daily.
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