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Arming Teachers

by Van Walker 4 years ago in satire

'Their exercises are unbloody battles, and their battles bloody exercises.' - Flavius Josephus

Readin', (W)ritin', 'Rithmetic, Rounds in the Chamber

Enacting legislation that would place stringent controls on access to assault weaponry, to say nothing of actually banning assault weapons, is plainly the kind of stupid idea that bears no further discussion, no matter how many public school students are shot up to the contrary. The problem is not that people have these weapons, but rather a string of irritatingly similar isolated incidents where no actual law was broken until .223 millimeter rounds began ripping through (stupidly) unarmed flesh.

To alleviate this problem, the president suggested providing school teachers with a bit of a bonus for arming themselves. Were this to actually come to pass, teachers navigating the complexities of competency versus mastery versus proficiency could then add whether to learn the isosceles, Weaver, or fighting handgun stance upon acquiring a carbon black .40 caliber Smith & Wesson.

Of course, that last was a bit of sarcasm. No teacher should cross the threshold of a classroom armed with anything less than a short-slung HK MP5 with diopter sights...but I digress.

There is one small problem with arming teachers to take down prepubescent miscreants on the verge of abusing the Second Amendment Rights that God gave all Americans (pretty sure it's in the Bible me...):


See, the average, red-blooded, Commie-hating, Righter-of-Wrongs and Warrior-For-Justice type American actually becomes a liability when rounds begin pouring downrange at them. In fact, these otherwise ordinary heroes run like rabbits when shots are fired.

This is not my opinion. In literally every mass shooting since people were too stupid to arm themselves and thus prevent a mass shooting, not one person had the gumption to mount a meaningful assault on the shooter. All that crying and screaming and bleeding and dying was completely unnecessary. All it would have taken is, say, a squad of individuals approaching from either flank—remember, none of these shooters was armed with a shotgun—and boom. Down goes the shooter. Maybe one or two people catch some rounds, but not the numbers we've seen.

Not one teacher mounted a realistic counter-offensive.

This can't happen.

Thus, it's not nearly enough to offer a bonus to teachers thinking about purchasing that cute little pearl-handled snub-nose .32 that just fits in their Gucci clutch.


We need to get our teachers some by-God actual combat training.

Instead of taking summers to prepare new lessons for students (I mean, really, how many new ways can we come up with for adding 2+2?), send all of them to Basic Training. The military has determined that it takes about six weeks to turn the average idiot evacuating their bowels under fire into a calm, cool, and collected Priest of Death praying for war.

Give me six weeks and I'll give you a gimlet-eyed killer ready to double-tap the very next punk wearing black and indiscriminately spraying rounds in the library.

Six weeks.

In that time, I'll take someone all frazzled from trying to meet increasingly incomprehensible federal education targets and turn them into someone who could approach their target by stealth and slide a bayonet into the nerve stem at the base of the skull with all of the emotion of someone checking a Scantron.

And while we're at it:

It's not nearly enough that we train the teachers.

Put 'em in body armor as well. After all, if they are going to war for our kids, they'd better damn well be dressed for it. Carbon-black Kevlar body armor over black-and-white camo fatigues should work; not only will it instill the necessary fear into the next punk who traded his skateboard for an AR-15, but it will help identify the good guys to the police when they show up.

But then, who has time for half-measures? If we're going to do this, let's do it right.

Install automatic .50 caliber gun stations with motion detectors in every hallway, and automatically locking armored classroom doors. Once the doors lock, the system arms and anything moving in that hallway between classes just became the subject of a YouTube video that John Woo might have directed. Make students run to chow, give 'em three minutes to choke it down, and then run 'em back to the classroom to minimize their exposure to possible enemy activity. Install towers on school property and clear away any and all buildings for 150 meters in all directions to give those towers 360 degrees of campus coverage, and put sharpshooters in those towers. Line the property with an electrified fence topped with concertina wire, a dog run, and another electrified fence topped with concertina wire. Put some daisy-cutter mines in the grass, just in case. Finally, create a chain-link corridor for entry and exit to the school lined with claymores and pre-sighted from a fixed gunner position near the school entrance.

Make all students change into orange jumpsuits upon entry, after thoroughly inspecting them for weapons and contraband—this way, we will know the sheep from the wolves. Nothing enters the property with them, and nothing leaves.

Because all of this is just a lot easier and logical than simply banning the sale and ownership of assault weapons.


Van Walker

...just your average 2.03 m carbon-based life-form...

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