And the Chutzpah of the Chodesh Award goes to…

Have you ever read something so outrageous you couldn’t help but laugh in blinding, blood-red fury? Well. Let me talk to you about Israeli politics for a second, because OH F***ING BOY, WE’VE GOT A LIVE ONE FOLKS. Content notice for terrorism, religious violence, brazen hypocrisy, war, pointless death and misery, and one very ranty Jewish commie mommy.

Lemme just preface this by saying that currently, I don’t live in Israel (I live in the People’s Republic of Maindja, in the lovely city of Owndambiznus), I just stay up to date on things there because it can be really funny, if you’ve been sniffing glue.

So guys, it’s been a rough week if you’re to the left of Dracula, and live in Israel. I’ve heard it said that being on the Israeli left in the modern day is all about carefully-managed disappointment, but this week has been just… so much.

Okay, so right now the ongoing drama in Israel is that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is on trial for a broad array of corruption ranging from the comically petty (a $3100 bribe? You’re the Prime Minister. Of an entire country) to the reasonably shrewd (neutralizing an oppositional press outlet by hamstringing a pro-you competitor in exchange for less negative press is a flex, tbh), of which his guilt is more or less a matter of public record, but we’re going through the motions because we Jews are nothing if not duly deferent to the rule and process of law (mostly)(sometimes)(more or less)

…

( Look, it’s complicated, okay? Legal opinion and legal precedent are fine distinctions which have been the basis for our cultural and religious practice for millennia, and we’re still arguing about it, at this very moment! It’s complicated)

*adjusts Annie Hall tie that I’m totally pulling off, trust me*

Anyway, tiresome performativity aside, the trial isn’t exactly going great for Netanyahu. It’s early days yet, but so far he’s tried and failed to plead immunity, and stormed out of one hearing in a huff. But because of budget shenanigans (that sounds familiar…), the Knesset was dissolved late last year and you know what that means!

IT’S ELECTION TIME BAYBEE!!!

That’s right, you thought the chaos of three or four who even remembers anymore elections constituting a full-blown g-d damned constitutional crisis was too many elections? Oh, man! We’re just getting started!

And, being the face of competent evil (but incompetent bribery) that he is, Netanyahu saw opportunity on the horizon. As I’ve said, many times before, I can’t stand the slimy בן זונה but you can’t deny, nobody plays the game quite like Netanyahu.

Right, so. I’m going to Tarantino us a little bit. Smash cut to me having a full-on rage stroke making incoherent gibbering noises at my computer. My partner leans over and says “what’s wrong?” She reads a Jerusalem Post headline:

“Ben Gvir appeals to disqualify all Arabs running for Knesset”

:|

|:|

>:|

Okay, so. For the blessedly uninitiated, Itamar Ben-Gvir is… well, it would probably be libel to call him a terrorist, per se. It is not libel, however, to point out that he’s been arrested nearly 60 times, at least once in connection with the assassination of a sitting Israeli prime minister, and currently runs the Otzma Yehudit (Jewish Power, in case there was any question where these guys stand) party. And to understand why I brought up the balancing act between terrorism and libel just there, we need to talk about the intellectual father of Otzma, Meir Kahane.

I’m so sorry.

Meir Kahane was an American rabbi (side note: amazing how all the worst people in Israeli politics are American) who started a terrorist organization, was caught trying to bomb the Lybian embassy, wasconvicted but couldn’t be kept in jail because he only ate kosher and it was the 70s, so terrorists in America were about a nickel for a baker’s dozen, so they let him do his prison time in a hotel which surprise surprise, he skipped out on. Jumping ahead a bit, he moves to Israel and establishes a party called Kach, and really nails down his Jewish Supremacist political ideology. He was elected to the Knesset (it’s both a virtue and a vice that the bar for entry into Israeli politics is so low), with one seat, he served one term, everyone hated it, he left the Knesset, did some more terrorism in Palestine (retribution against Arabs who aggrieved illegal settlers)(sigh), and then went back stateside to give a speech whereupon the worst person you know made an excellent point (with a Beretta) and shot Kahane dead. Heartbreaking. And he was acquitted! Don’t cheer, though, stop it. That guy went on to be convicted in the ‘93 World Trade Center bombing, after being imprisoned for which, he confessed to the Kahane murder. So… Bad dude.

To call that over-broad really undersells it, but I’m not getting paid by the word, here.

Anywho, Kach was labeled a terrorist organization along with the other groups Kahane founded, but Kahanism is not dead. Kahanism is the official ideology of Otzma Yehudit, remember those guys (and they are mostly guys)?

Right, so what does this have to do with it being libelous to call Itamar Ben-Gvir a terrorist? WELL. That’s a story for a couple of years after Kahane’s murder. In 1995, when I was 9 years old, Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin was making headway on ending the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, to that end, he signed the Oslo Accords. Now, for very complicated reasons, and again, not paid by the word, this was not a universally popular decision. The right wing in Israel, including the G-ddamn Kahanists, went bugf*** insane. Prime Minister Rabin was gunned down by a right wing nutjob because of it in 1995.

Again, not hearing Ben-Gvir anywhere here…

Right. So. A couple of weeks before Rabin was murdered by a lunatic, Itamar Ben-Gvir appeared on TV waving around a cadillac hood ornament that he’d swiped off of Rabin’s car, saying “we got to his car, we’ll get to him too,” and some slightly more direct threats. Like three weeks later, Rabin was dead.

TO BE CLEAR: I have not found any indication that the assassin was working with Ben-Gvir or vice versa, it appears to be an extremely unfortunate coincidence.

But yeah, that guy wants all Arab politicians stricken from the electoral rolls. Why?

Colluding with terrorists.

Okay, so? Racist terrorist-adjacent lunatics talk, who cares?

YES BENJAMIN, CARE TO EXPLAIN TO THE CLASS WHY WE NOW HAVE TO CARE ABOUT RACIST TERRORIST-WORSHIPPING LUNATICS BEING RACIST??

Oh, if you balked a bit at that “terrorist-worshipping” part, don’t worry fam, I got u.

Okay, so why the definitely unholy f*** is Netanyahu trying to get these chuckling dead-eyed psychopaths into the Knesset?

sigh…

To save his own skin. And one might have missed it, too, were it not for the predictable stupidity of evil. Simcha Rothmann, candidate for the new Religious Zionist List bloc composed of Otzma, Jewish Home, and the rabidly anti-LGBTQ+ Noam party, and perhaps the most ironically named person on the planet, gave the game away when he said “Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu may not have to quit if convicted of bribery charges until he has exhausted his appeals process… If we’re in the middle of a war, I might say it’s not in the best interests [of the nation] for him to go.” He goes on to note, much to the chagrin of PM-also ran and Justice Minister Benny Gantz (who got neither of the things Bibi promised to him if Gantz were to subordinate himself to Netanyahu) that the nation needs a so-called “French Law,” which would immunize former leaders from prosecution for things done in leadership, and Ben Gvir stating that they will “end the rule of the clerks” by passing a Supreme Court override bill.

As the Times of Israel notes, “The simplest explanation is because even if Ben Gvir goes to the opposition [because the government isn’t, get this, right-wing enough], Netanyahu still has three reliable seats from Smotrich [of Noam] and whoever else he brings in. Seats don’t grow on trees and if Netanyahu wants to stay in power, he’ll need every one he can scrounge up.”

Which is not to say that it wasn’t transparent as a power consolidation move in Israel, Yair Lapid [Yesh-Atid Telem], a guy who I desperately want to dislike because centrists are gross, was not about that life and called it out.

But y’know… Good engagement, Yair. Glad that principled stand against the Likud is working out pretty well. Although sincerely, thanks for not being an anti-LGBTQ shitbag like a bunch of these other tools are, but principled centrism is not how you defeat the extreme right.

Speaking of, let’s check in with the “sensible liberal” wing of Israeli politics…

Useless-ass liberals, I swear…

But I’m not going to let you go on a complete downer, the truth is that the Kahanists will probably fail. Appeals to the election commission are almost always overturned, because the commission is a political organization. It’s not unbiased. So it has to have its decisions certified by the Supreme Court. Hence the crowing about the “rule of the clerks” from before. Which, my American readers are probably experience butthole pucker like a diamond anvil cell right now. Fair enough, and even if the G-ddamn Kahanists can’t get the entire slate of Arab candidates stricken, they’ll still be able to poison the government if they win. So…

*unenthusiastic flag wave*

Sources:

* https://www.timesofisrael.com/otzma-yehudit-head-says-kahane-was-holy-backs-expulsion-of-disloyal-arabs/

* https://www.jpost.com/breaking-news/likud-and-religious-zionist-party-have-signed-a-surplus-agreement-658449

* https://www.timesofisrael.com/why-is-netanyahu-trying-again-to-push-kahanists-into-the-knesset/

* https://www.jpost.com/breaking-news/ben-gvir-appeals-to-disqualify-all-arabs-running-for-knesset-658720

* https://www.jpost.com/breaking-news/tzipi-livni-says-she-will-not-be-running-in-the-coming-election-657459

* https://www.jpost.com/israel-news/saar-keep-politics-out-of-netanyahu-trial-658213

* https://www.jpost.com/israel-news/politics-and-diplomacy/candidate-rothman-conviction-may-not-bring-down-netanyahu-659431

* https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/elections/.premium-election-panel-asked-to-bar-israeli-arab-labor-party-candidate-1.9544769