Sweet Nose Warmer, Bro!

I fully support those who use initiative and are actively attempting to provide a service for us in society through the creation of new products and inventions. But I simply cannot get on board with this. Though my nose is reduced to a red, snivelling mess quicker than the average person, the mere idea of strapping one of these abominations to my face puts my suffering sharply into perspective. My rather one-sided view may be down to it conjuring memories of the beak I wore as part of my dodo costume for a school play in my pre-teens. I still resent it for almost detracting from my wonderful performance in that Alice in Wonderland production; however, despite my personal motives, I doubt I am alone in ridiculing this latest craze.

How anyone can waltz around with this woollen winter wear is utterly baffling, regardless of the supposed rewards. Yes, they restrict any colour from spreading across the pasty skin of an english schnozz but ultimately I would not swap my snotty snout for adorning something that resembled an attempt to positively overcome trauma of losing my nose to the jaws of Hannibal Lector. It may appear, however, that there are happy customers, these people exclusive from the poor sods who were paid—handsomely I hope—to wear these for the photos on the company website. "What a great stocking filler, my wife will be happy"—a quote pulled from the website reads. Yes pal, I am sure your lover will appreciate her partner trying to conceal her face little by little. A ski mask for Valentine's, perhaps?

Not only does this tragic apparel come in a host of different colours, but you can also purchase warmers with sickly phrases emblazoned across them such as "kiss me!" Looking is one thing but the very invasive action of locking lips with one of these plebs and getting a noseful of cheap, irritating fibres jammed up my sinuses is another. What is perhaps the wisest maneuver by the company is to intelligently offer nose warmers with the moron's name on. This means we don't need to communicate with these imbeciles to enquire who they are in case they are a friend or loved one that needs disowning as their names are clear to see.

Has no one considered that this "issue" does not require a solution? It is hardly like us Brits have experienced a drastic temperature drop in recent times. This is just the way it is here so leave it. In addition, these aren't suddenly able to be made nowadays thanks to groundbreaking improvements in manufacturing. Centuries ago, some old bint would have sewed a replica of these with her wrinkly digits and tried flogging them herself. History tells us she failed and rightfully she did because no one found them an attractive necessity back then and over time. This right has strictly remained wronged.

So to reflect, as if you needed me to bring a conclusion to this very clear insight into the latest addition to wally winter wear collection of 2018, don't. Just don't. Let's all save our money, maintain our dignity, and deal with the cold the only way we know how to, moaning about it. By all means, wear acceptable clothing like a scarf or hat but I encourage anyone seen wearing these monstrosities to be dealt with accordingly—this being their warmer drawn back from their head as far as it stretches and fired back into their warm, smug face.