Dat Ass

I once asked my current partner what he liked best about me. Wanna know what he said?

“That ass.”

I told him once that I was creating a new workout plan for when the pandemic ended and the gyms re opened.

“If you lose that ass, I will burn every gym down in a 10 mile radius.”

I used to think that maybe my tits were my best feature but everyone has told me that my ass is actually my best feature. I heard that from a lot of guys but men’s opinions mean very little to me. You know what solidified that fact to me? My best friend and I went shopping for club dresses and I tried on a tight black bandage dress.

“Damn girl.” She yanked me in front of a three sided mirror. “That ass is magical and you should be proud.”

There are downsides to having an ass like this and ~38C boobs and being 5’1”; nothing fits me just right.

Shopping is one of the things that I absolutely LOATHE. Think of the Grinch with Jim Carrey when he says “Loathe Entirely” while glaring down upon The Who’s is Whoville. That’s how much I hate shopping.

My body is basically a size ~10 depending on the brand; however to fit my “assets” properly without pulling a Mariah Carey impersonation I have to wear size 12-14. Which is a bitch because then the fabric around my waist usually hangs weird and makes my stomach look bigger than it is. If I try to squeeze a size lower then my boobs look like they’re about to pop my top open.

Fuck button down tops. Even if you get one that does fit you like it should, there will come a time when it’s been shrunk by the dryer because your boyfriend did the laundry one time for you to be nice but he ended up fucking up your clothes. My once white shorts are now pink. So when you wear the button down top that has now been shrunk, there is a gaping hole between the second and third button and you have two choices now:

1: leave buttons 1-3 undone and wear a professional tank top underneath.

2: accept your fate.

Jeans. Oh my god, no jeans will for me right. If I get jeans that hug my ass just right, the legs of the jeans look baggy so I take them home and rip out the inseam and tailor it to my legs to make proper skinny jeans. If I get jeans that hug my legs, I can’t bend over because then my jeans drop and we all know that look.

I often wear dresses because are terrible, but because of my short height there are issues.

If I get a maxi dress I have to cut off a minimum of 5 inches off the hem so I don’t trip every time I take a step. If I get a mini dress, funny enough it usually falls to my knees. If I get a short dress to go out at night, I usually spend the evening tugging it down to make sure it covers my ass because the girls those dresses are designed for (US standard anyway) are twigs.

I know I’m not the only woman with this problem. Where finding the perfect little black dress is a war and every perfect pair of make em jealous jeans is a battle. Seriously, one woman at Marshall’s ripped a pair of jeans out of my hands saying she saw them first. It wasn’t even Black Friday but I assume she was preparing for it.

I don’t mind tailoring and adjusting my clothes to fit my body, I know it’s more profitable to create clothing lines basic on a generic sizing chart. But come on, I’m really tired of tailoring clothes to fit my body. Can’t there be a brand that’s for short and curvy? There’s Big and Tall, I don’t see why Short and Curvy can’t be a thing.