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Why We Need to Invade France

Storm the Eurotunnel.

By Lese BrookesPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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My proud countrymen, I come before you to first to draw your attention to the great feats of our nation. Our NHS is the envy of the civilised world, We have an established and efficient democracy, using the welfare system we look after our less fortunate citizens and we have built up an economy which provides a stability for our lives and our families. We are the heirs to an empire which was larger than any others in all of history. Our nation is the greatest kingdom in the whole world. We are a safe and stable state where we and our kin can exist for the rest of time if we look after it. But there is still one entity to which our mighty country is still threatened by. France.

I am here to suggest a preemptive strike against the malevolent force which is casting its shadow onto our shores. From Dover to Dublin, from the Shetland islands to Land's End and from Norwich to Belmullet, families cower in terror, fearing the jackboot of the French oppressors marching down the street; coming for their homes, their freedom, their lives, their children! You know those frog perverts are sat in the boudoirs and bureaus plotting their bandy-legged march down the M1 in their their ominous Renault's, Peugeot's and Citroen's of war.

For too long they have held their heads up high, adorned in eyebrow-like mustaches, and looked down on we, men and women of the isle. For too long they have waved baguettes heinously across the channel. For too long have children failed to sleep at night, dreaming nightmares of berets and men wearing onion necklaces. For too long have young girls feared to walk the street and be caught amidst a surprise Frankish incursion. For too long have we stood by and done nothing as these snail eaters have amassed a secret army, poised to airdrop into Buckingham and Birmingham and Bromsgrove and Bristol and Bognor! For too long we have cowered, fearing the reprimand of the tyrant in Paris. For too long my friends! For too long!

Look to the skies, my friends, for soon you may see the frog bombers scaring you homeland forever. Unless we act, a French President ruling our private world is a forgone certainty! We must show them that the only red, white, and blue we shall ever allow fly over our country is our own. Historians believe that the English were neolithic men who wandered in while out little land was connected to France. You see? Even an Englishman yet to evolve half a brain could see that he wanted nothing to do with the land of mode! Let us plant our own flag upon their land and proudly proclaim, 'This is our land now you garlic-ridden surrender monkeys! For queen and country!’

Now is our time to take up the offensive! Hit the frogs before they hit us! I say storm the Eurotunnel, batter Calais and depose President Macron! Show these garlic lovers that the time of British imperialism has ended but the time of British might can never cease. It is time to pummel the pate people! Time to stop the frogs from ever gaining a foothold in this great land. Fortify the coast, arm the people and let slip the dogs of war! The monstrous foot soldiers of the oppressive regime akin to the iron fist belonging to their kings of old whom built monuments to their tyranny like the infamous Bastille or invented instruments of death such as the guillotine. Now is the time people. They have franchised death, my friends, and we have so far been ineffective in halting their methodical advances upon our sovereignty! We cannot let our fine cities be one by one brought beneath the regime of the European totalitarianism. Do you want your grandchildren to be speaking French? No? Then-now-is-the-time!

We must stand together, my friends! We must meet them in the field of battle! But it should be a field of our choosing! Let us not endanger our homes and the innocent by waiting for them here—we must take the fight to them! Hit the, before the pate peddlers hit us! Across the channel to the Frankish lands of horror! We will burn out this evil at the root! Together we will succeed where our forefathers in the wars of old failed. In the last eight hundred years we have been at war with the hairy legged aggressors twenty three times! Their lands are stained with British blood! It is ours by right! Come with me my brothers and sisters in a campaign to see the Eiffel Tower torn down for scrap, Notre dam reduced to rubble and the Louvre turned into a tribute to our country’s heroism. This is the hour to take a stand against a maniacal martinet, for was it Edmund Burke, not Albert Einstein nor even doctor Martin Luther King who all said that, "All that is necessary for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing."

We must accomplish this great task for Saint George, Saint David, England and Wales’ warrior saints; Saint Andrew, the apostle to Jesus; Saint Patrick, a man who made it his mission in life to bring order to a barbarian land, and King Richard, our fierce king who dedicated his life to holding back French oppression and ultimately sacrificing it when beset by the Gaul hordes. This revolt ridden hexagones must be smote with determination and a united might!

My friends, once in a generation there comes a cause, so pure that it unites a nation under a single banner. Where old grudges and prejudices are cast aside, where a single creed outweighs generations of discontent, where we are all one before the great beast which we must all work to slay. This is our cause. This is our calling! Our mission. Our duty. Stand with me so your children may see a better tomorrow. Stand with me to finally end tyranny in its purest Frankish form! TO Normandy once more my friends. Once more for all the saints of our kin and all generations to come.

Thank you

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