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Please US NAVY forgive me

by Cooking With Casto about a year ago in navy

Diary of a Navy dirtbag

The journey began in 2010. After making it out of separations, I was back into boot camp. One Captains mast down, but more to come. I guess an assault on civilian swimmer isn’t tolerated these days in boot camp. I was ordered to take an anger management course, that’s where, according to Sr. Chief Rodriguez I found out that I might have a big penis, I probably liked to stare at my naked body in the mirror, and I may have been molested as a child. This guy was crazy. He would touch me on the thigh; it was funny to see his reaction. When I would agree to everything he was saying. Like one question was “do you like looking at your naked body in the mirror, I bet your penis is big too? Do you play with it in front of the mirror? What kind of sick questions is this amigo laying on me? I think (hope) they were trying to make me be aggressive, or at least I hoped, with these tactics. Well after all that for a week, I finally passed and was sent to a new division. Wow, that was a close one I thought to myself.

So, after my 3 months of boot camp, where I got to watch movies and play games for 1 week and trained the rest of the time, I finally made it through. I graduated. Now I’m off to Culinary Arts School, which was right across the street.

Yes, I had fun in school over there, but we were drummed like boot camp again. Being woken up at 0400, to go and run 5 miles, every other day, but it became easy after a while. We’d be up at 0400 to go run, then go cook food for the next 8 hours. It was a good time. I passed the school with a 93%, but little did I know that The Cook Don was in waiting. I took my 15 days of leave, got married to a sleazebag whore who ended up sleeping with everyman in Virginia Beach and ran off on me with all my stuff, to go cook meth in

Florida, but I’ll get to that in a bit, back the navy again. I got called by my Senior Chief Saying I was UA because they thought I was supposed be on the ship the week before. I guess contact from Illinois to Virginia is impossible, really. One phone call to my old command would have straightened that out. But it must have been too hard for S.C. Cabannaboy to do that. Maybe he didn’t understand the American way to do things. Anyway, we got it figured out, then stupid me gets married, and that’s where the twist and turns began.

Norfolk, VA

I was greeted by whom we later nabbed as “tinker bell”. CS3 Hurley. Wow- what in the world did I get into. His womanly voice, and flip flops, with spiked and frosted Hair. He had it going on, and I bet he was front row watching the day that the United States decided that it’s ok to be gay and serve our country! I’m in my dress whites. Alright so any way we drive off to my new

home, The USS Donald Cook. As soon as I enter the ship, I could feel tension building around the area. I guess they had just removed a CS1 Digger and made him a DC3 Digger, for messing around with a fellow shipmate, and then bragging about it. Well, that happened to be the new CS1 Candy. She took his job and everything, but his manhood. Well unknowingly, my ship decides to take a 3-week tour of the sea the next day. While this was going on my wife, who I was told by my command to not have come down until October, decided to drive to Virginia. Once we pull in I’m thinking I get to get off this ship and find out what’s going on with my wife. From messages left, she seems to be in a Motel from week- week. So, I leave, and I guess I was supposed to be on the ship working until 1800. So, there I was unknowingly UA in Virginia. After I found my wife, I decided to piss off a couple of nights. So I finally decide to return aboard the ship on Monday, and I was hit with my 2nd captain’s mast for the UA Fiasco. Well, I took my licks, and spent 10 days on restriction, so that meant 10 days away from my wife too.

When I finally get off the jail sentence, all I’m thinking is that I’m coming home to a loving wife. Well I was shell shocked to find out she had just rented this apartment for $990 a month, in VA Beach, 20 miles from my base. Also after my first night there, she never came home, and I quickly began to think she was sleeping with the fat guy across the complex who was oddly lingering around me earlier today at the pool. So now my heads spinning! I end up getting wasted that night and confronted her about the adultery.

This is all I remember, but after the altercation, I blacked out. I awoke in the AM 2 days later, to a banging door. I open it up only to see my whore wife standing next to my SO Rose. Rose claims that the command thinks it’s best for me to go into this inpatient behavioral center. So with no other choice now I’m now about to spend a week with real fruit loops.

Well after the suicide watch ends, I am now headed back to the Donald Cook. So again I swing a ride with my SO Rose, he just so happens to be everywhere around me lately. So Honestly I wasn’t that surprised when two

days later, I just happen to hear a voice message from SO Rose calling (wrong number) my phone drunk, and leaving a sexual message to my wife. I was not about to let this rest.

The next day, at breakfast quarters my impulsive behavior got the best of me when I whispered in ensign Roses ear, "I know what you are doing with my whore wife and I need you to stop." Rose then freaks out on me and called me into the office with Sr. chief. But in this case, I was in the right so this incident got rubbed under the table and Ensign Rose would transfer to another location within that month. Not knowing it yet, but that whisper in that ear would later become a big piece of my demise.

Portsmouth, VA: The Yards

Well, I’d been fitting in a little bit with the navy life, even after being diagnosed as suicidal with extreme depression, oh yeah, also after being arrested on board the ship by Virginia Beach police, for assault on a family member. Yes my wife decides to call in a bogus claim that I beat her up, when in fact as I recall I was the one

being awoken with boots to the ribs. And even though when word got out of my warrant for arrest, I did try to outrun them and go UA again, (things you think are smart ideas when you're drunk are actually quite juvenile) my chain of command still stuck by me. They thought it was best for me to go down to the reefer decks and become the JOD’s assistant. Since at that point in time they encouraged me to be better, but they still didn’t trust me around any knife, which ironically is what I was holding the day my life as a navy cook ended, but I’ll get to that later. My new task dealt with working for CS2 Ice. I didn’t know much about this fella at the time, but from what I saw, I was a little frightened. This man was tatted up and down his body, and out of work he dressed like a gangster/ drug dealer you see on the movies. Short guy with blonde hair, cruising around in his black Hummer.

Ice had a cool sarcastic tone about him which eventually became are thing in common. Thinking about it now, yikes, if looks made a sailor, then this guy was sure to be a bad one. But you can’t always go by the cover, as CS2 proved to me. I don’t think I ever learned

as much in the navy as I did when I was working with this guy. Yeah, we would slack at times, and go hide and sleep for a few hours to rest the booze off from the night before, but I quickly learned when tasked with a job, this CS was on the ball.

Any question I would ask he would have the answer. He knew the Navy from top to bottom, and quickly gained my respect. We were tasked with breaking out the everyday food for the cooks to make for our crew. This job usually only took about 3 hours tops, and yet we were stuck on the ship until 1500. So every day wed have to come up something to kill time. Mostly it was having me go out and shine the bell. But when it was shined, we usually just sat and plaid games on our phones, and told stories. Not a bad gig in my mind. But of course, after a while, I was going to have to go back to real CS work and I knew it. So, I lived in the moment and enjoyed my time off from work. Usually going out at night and ending up drunk downtown, picking up escorts. Or going into biker bars and going up to baddest biker there and slugging him in the face for no apparent reason, but to satisfy my need for violence.

Oh Yeah and the escort thing, it was good but I blew a lot of cash in the doing of this. Except for one occasion, where I rented a room out at the Navy Lodge and called up a lady to come over, she charged a steep price and I was unwilling to pay it all upfront. So, after we did are things, the girl asked for the other half and I told her that I didn’t have it. Whoops, that not going over too well. She quickly jumped on the phone to her pimp and told him the situation. He asked her what room I was in and thank god shed forgotten I swear to you the next thing out of her mouth was “what room are you staying in?” I couldn’t believe she just asked me that, and being the coy man I am, I quickly told her to go look on the outside of the door. Then believe it or not she fell for it. Wow. As soon as she exited the door to look I gave her quick shove and slammed the door. Knowing that this wasn’t over by a long shot, I high tailed it out of the back door and ran around the corner and jumped in a cab and never returned. Wow, Unbelievable, that was a close one! I probably could have been shot dead at 27, in Virginia, by a pimp, dressed in velvet, for a lousy $125, what an idiot I was! My mother, the sweet-hearted

Louise would have been really proud. So, after that I was done with the one-night escort business, and back to looking for real woman and other things to do with my $1700 pay, every two weeks.

I had read that Dover Delaware had a casino, and a bus ticket there and back was only 60 bucks for the 6 total hours it took round trip. This was a way better idea of how to spend my weekends since in my downtime I was a fairly good Texas hold'em player. But again I was a crazy dude and things never turned out quite the way I imagined they would. So after this one wild weekend, my Dover days too ended. There I was out playing at a cash table on a Sunday morning doing extremely well, and just playing patient waiting for my alarm to go off, as I would have to run to catch my bus at 1700. Did I mention gambling is an addiction much like crack or heroin? Well, I started to lose, and lose big. So, to get the edge off of losing I drank a beer or two or shit actually it was 3 and tequila sour to top it off, yet still, I kept losing. Finally running out of my last $700 in a span of three hours, I suddenly realized my alarm must not have gone off, it had to be about time for my bus to go,

and sure, enough I was right. The clock read 1745. Oh snap, I’m in trouble, I missed my bus, and have no money to get back home. So I begin searching through my phone looking for help. I called Mr. CS2 Ice, he of course was drunk and didn’t have a real good option for me, and I knew I was indeed going to be dead in the water. But much to my luck, I was standing there and an older man overheard my conversations, He approached and introduced himself as a Master Chief in the Navy out of Norfolk, VA. My eyes lit up, really no kidding, how lucky am I (I wish I had that luck at the tables). He then offered me a ride back that night, to which I said Hell yes Sir, and unbelievably I made it back on the ship. Yes, I was flat broke, and drunk, but the important thing was, I wasn’t UA. Whoa, I slid past that fudge up.

Back to Norfolk, VA

The ship returned to our port in January, and we were back into our old schedule of under-ways every

week, usually Monday- Thursday we were gone, so my chain of command felt it necessary to put me back to work in the Galley as a cook on watch. I hadn’t been in trouble in months and was starting to earn trust in my shipmates for the first time. Eventually even becoming the night baker on under ways, where I worked from 1900- 0800. Every day. That was a good gig, but soon I would realize how easy it was to sneak booze onto the ship. This is where and when I would finally hit a home run, and screw my seamanship to shit. Now being drunk on an underway at 0200 was very fun for me, but not for others, as I harassed them in our berthing most nights. My sidekick companion during these long nights was my FSA, a oriental New York'n, . He could slice up vegetables very fast and we had a great system going on, until the night I completely lost control. After falling asleep (or passing out) for 3 hours in my rack, I was awoken by someone quietly uttering and whispering my last name..Holmesssssss, Holmesssssss.It was that FSA staring at me, with a knife in his hand, I admit I was little scared, but I let it go because I had to hurry up and run-up to the galley to cook a morning breakfast for the

crew. Oh man was I running late. This day would soon become my doomsday. I managed to get all of the breakfast out, it wasn’t very sharp though, and I hadn’t had enough time to make extra food yet, so hopefully, the crew will start piling in slow. Then out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the thieving Wardroom chef come barreling down and take almost all of the breakfast rice. This led to an argument between me and that DC3, who is now back in the galley as CS2, about how to make the rice. We had a big tiff, in front of the crew, and I didn’t tell him that I had to throw the leftover rice on top of it as that Wardroom “devil” had taken it all earlier, because she didn’t ever want to come in on time to cook her own meals. Now I was hungover and also very agitated. A few minutes later, trying to cool off, I found myself in the back-cleaning knives. Then suddenly I hear Mr. Perfect seamen Dirt, with his crackly voice and stank breath, he decides to start in on me about the fact they had just decided to fire me from night baker, because of that episode earlier. Well at this moment in time id had enough of twiddle dirt’s mouth so to shut him up, I simply said the words “You know I could stab you, thus

ending this conversation,” well low n behold, as usual, Dirt freaked out, he runs out of the Galley telling people, I was going to attack him with a knife and kill him. Well at that moment all I could do was sit in the back of the galley and smile with my pearly whites.

A few minutes later I was called up to the Supply Office, where I was to explain myself, and being the dumbass sarcastic guy I am, the first words out of my mouth was this, “If I were really going to kill Dirt, I wouldn’t use a knife, I’d wait for him to be on watch and Id Push him overboard, it would create less of a mess." I got a chuckle out of my friend CS1 Goat Tail, but the other two thought I was serious, and ordered me to DRB.


After being, ridiculed, poked fun at, told I was the worst sailor in history, and that they couldn’t trust me to have their back in thewas time of war, I was ordered up to what

I knew would be my final Captain's Mast. I then knew my end was near.

Thinking back on it, what really bothered me during the Mast was that no one said anything good about me in there, jee-wiz for over a year I did a lot for that ship. I redid the reefer decks, polished the bell, and made really good food. Prior to my mast I had decided to write up a chit to speak with the Captain alone, you know like a man to man thing so maybe he would then understand me a bit more, but I’m not sure who he was listening too because he got the impression I was going to kill him during this meeting. Apparently, all my past fudge-ups had made me look like Woody Harrellson on Natural Born Killers. My new skinned haircut probably didn’t do me any favors either. So, that meeting never took place.

CAPTAINS MAST: My final Hoo-Rah

During this mast, the captain had gone over the timeline of my navy life, and all the trouble I caused, making me feel like I should be booted. Even at one point, the XOI came over to the Captain and whispered something in his ear. I thought that was strange. Then I remembered back to my incident with the SO Rose, who I confronted because he was banging my wife. Wow, they knew about that, I couldn’t believe it? I knew I was done for now! As the Captain told me doesn’t it look a little threatening when someone comes and whispers into your ear? Before agreeing to this BS, I suddenly stepped out of parade rest stance and said “Isn’t it wrong for my SO to go and sleep with my wife.” I got no response, but just clueless looks. Then the final verdict came in with a 45/45 and administrative separations. I did, however, before leaving the mast, do a 90-degree turn before reaching the door, and I looked back at the captain & the rest of the people in the room and stated “Thank you, sir, now I can leave and go back west and

find Bigfoot, as he’s the one who left me looking like this, with 9 fingers, one testicle, and a severe mental condition.” As I saluted my captain for the last time I felt the tears flow from my eyes, but where there’s bad there always good just a little bit further down the line. Now as I was going to be discharged for all my wrongdoings ironically enough the other man Dirt got 45/45 and was discharged as well, for other reasons.

So, for the next 45 days (they said), waiting for my release, he and I would sleep right above one another, do are extra duty together, and eat together. Also, I had my friend CS3 Chocolate get me an XBOX 360 and Dirt and I even played video games together. So, if I really wanted to kill this man, was it safe that we lived together for the next 45 days, side by side like this? Well we did and we both left the DDG75 after 28 days of the 45-day sentence.. I guess they got tired of me not showing up to anything and just sitting in my berthing playing NBA 2k11 all day.


Cooking With Casto

born in Barrington, Illinois. The youngest of 4 children, graduated from Quincy High School in 2002, where I was a decorated wrestler. A 4x state qualifier, 3x All-State, 2x State finalist, & 1x State champion.

Now 37 and starting over

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