Marine Corps Stories: Put it in a Book

The library was dead. No Marines populated the advanced learning center. The locale boasted a bevy of brand new computers and of course brand new books. It seemed as if Devil Dogs would rather venture into the desert and fight with the scorpions and tarantulas and rattlesnakes, however.

But with Commandant General Misha Wainwright’s new Commandant’s Professional Reading List, the idea of Marines reading anything but their online bank statements, text messages, and social media posts, seemed foreign. But Lance Corporal Evina Tattle sat at one of the tables at the barracks and enjoyed reading the books right on her mobile device.

“You can’t use crayons on your phone, Evina,” Corporal Gordy “Drake” Dansk said. He looked like the doppelganger of the rapper and thus the moniker stuck to him like velcro.

“Shut up,” Evina said. She reached for her wireless earbuds and applied them.

Dansk looked at the list on the website.

“There’s actually some legit’ shit on here. Damn.” He scrolled through the titles. He tapped Evina. She took off her earbuds.

“Are you going to take this seriously or not?” she asked.

“I’m trying. I just have a problem.”

“What with reading?”

“Yes it’s called Idon’tgiveashititis.”

“You’re an ass.”

Dansk nearly laughed off his face.

“Okay, okay. I’ll stop playing. I just don’t get the point of reading the Commandant’s list. I mean you get a few pointers on how to relate to your Marines but beyond that I think it’s a waste of time.”

“It’s not. You can glean a great deal of information regarding the Corps and life in general. It’s just a little passageway through the history of what Marines have been through and where we’re headed.”

Dansk picked a book and feigned reading a passage aloud: “‘So, I switched on my moonbeam and found an actual green weenie in my sleeping bag. I nearly shit a brick….’ This is riveting.”

“If it makes you feel any better, there’s a graphic novel in here, too.”

“Oh, really?” Dansk asked.

“Yes, it’s one of the titles the Commandant wanted to add to entice Marines just like you. Because you know how it goes, if you want to keep something from a Marine….”

“‘Put it in a book.’ Ha, ha. I was giving you props by suggesting you would use crayons for their intended purpose and not to eat them. That was a credit to your intelligence.”

“Now, isn’t that clever.”

“I do. I do. Never try,” Dansk said with a bow.

Evina laughed. “You’re too much, Drake.”

Dansk just smiled. “Alright seriously I’ll probably look through most of the leadership stuff and of course the graphic novel you mentioned. If any of it is good then I’ll thank you. But if anything is bad I’ll push you down a ladder well.”

“I’d just have to trip you down such a ladder well before you could even get a hand on me.”

“Never mind all of that. You should be congratulated for even considering any of this. Commandant Wainwright is too far up. How does she know what lowly corporals like myself enjoy. I mean why can’t I just get some whores in heels to read this shit to me? In fact that’s what I’m probably going to have to do.”

“Do it and make sure you tip her.”

“Forget it. I should be getting a tip for spreading literacy amongst exotic dancers.”

“Whatever, Drizzy. I’m going to get back to my reading so I can know enough to switch over to the O-side by the time a staff sergeant.”

“You lifer! Nope, next week I’ll be floating towards the EAS. I can feel it right now.”

Evina returned the buds to her ears.

“Oh, it’s like that? I know you can hear me. Don’t worry I won’t snatch those things from your ears,” Dansk said.

Evina continued to listen and read the e-book.