Becoming a Military Wife

His strong work ridden hands gently graze my back as he begins to work the knots out from a long day of caring for our 11-month-old daughter and the rest of the day's worries. As his hands glide thoroughly up and down my back, the day's tension loosens from my back just at his touch. Then, as he finishes the massage, I get one last final gentle rub to ensure all my stress is gone.

I roll off to thank him with a gentle loving kiss. A kiss that thanks him for the lovely back rub, for his caring and most of all, for his love.

The kiss lengthens as he kisses back, as if to tell me not to thank him, that his love is mine forever.

Our kiss becomes stronger and longer as we reassure each other of our love, then takes a hungry turn and...

That is when I return to reality. That he is gone. Away. At boot camp. Becoming the man he wants to be. Becoming a soldier.

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Nights like this when I wish for a back massage. His touch. These nights get to me the most. Don't get me wrong, I have my days where I wish he were there to help me overcome my own stress and worries.

But the nights... the nights are worse. Those days of needing him become 1,000 times worse. Nights are when he and I recover from the day's events. When we relax together or comfort each other about our day's disasters. WE have always needed each other. But if there is a time we need each other the most, it's at night.

Once I finally fall asleep after waiting hours for it to come without him, I will wake once, twice, three times during the late night and early morning to feed our sweet baby girl. Then, I will fall asleep once again for one last time. And I will be woken in the morning by this sweet, precious baby girl and feel like I lack a full night's sleep. My day will go on and it will be okay, simple and full of whatever little things make that day "good" but it won't really be good, or my day will be bad, stressful, have some kind of problem with this precious baby girl that wakes me up every morning without fail.

That is how it always goes. How it has always gone since he left for boot camp. The only truly, honestly GOOD days I have are when I receive a letter from him. When I receive that letter that pushes all worries away, that calms me to my core, and that reminds me of all his love. These good days, these letter days, remind me that, with some time, I will be able to have my lover, my soulmate, back to me and all those nights spent remembering back rubs will turn into actually getting back rubs once again.

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Everyone tells you everything they think you will need to know when your loved one becomes a military member, like what will happen afterward, what they will be doing at boot camp, etc... But what no one tells you is that it is boot camp for yourself as well.

You have to learn to live without your loved one. You have to learn to carry on day by day without your loved one. You have to learn how to carry on your life without said loved one. I have been married one year and I barely know how to function without him. Someone should have told me that.

I manage now, most days I usually can manage without him here. But, some days I just break. I feel broken, I feel like he left me, which technically he did, but he didn't leave forever. This makes my emotions harder to deal with when he isn't here. I am only used to people actually being here for me or people leaving for good. There is usually no in between and this is true for many people. If you are one of those people who have great understanding, you can imagine how hard this is for me.

However, if you don't understand, let me dumb it down for you. It feels like the person died because of how you have to carry on life without them, because of them so abruptly disappearing from your life. But every week or so you get a letter which gives you hope and reminds you, you will be together again. Which also tears you apart emotionally somehow because you still have to go back to moving on, even though in the end you KNOW you will see them again.

So, basically, how are you supposed to continue in life with this dead/missing part of your life that you need there to move on? But, you have to move on without them, cause if you don't you will die, mentally or maybe figuratively, and not be able to be with your significant other again. And yet, if you continue on with life without them, they come back again so abruptly into your life.

See the problem? It's damaging one way or another. Very painful. So it's hard not to have bad days. And I deal with it like a crazy person, day dreaming about our times together. Oh, and my letters to him don't make me seem any less crazy. They consist of my telling him about my days, like I would if he were here, and my complaining to him. Normal, right?... Yea, I didn't think so.

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As I wrap my arms around him, he wraps his arms around me even tighter. I get enveloped by his sweet but somehow manly scent. I feel his warm arms around me, I can feel his strong shoulder muscles, deep yet comforting, under my hand. This is home. He is home to me.

I look into his eyes as if I could tell him all that with just a look. And he looks back with his deep yet lightly colored brown eyes as if he knows. As if he can tell what I am thinking, feeling. He leans to kiss me...

I have to quit cause if I continue, the tears will continue to fall. Today is an I NEED HIM day if you couldn't already tell. He is my rock, my anchor and without that feeling, without him, I am just a crazy, wild, stress machine. I am homeless without my home.

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