A Brief Explanation of the Navy

In May, 2016 I was graduating from William J. Palmer High School, when my college plans were flushed down the toilet. I was going to receive only $10,000 for the two schools of my choice. My heart was broken, and I couldn’t see a way out of the hole of student debt that was surely to come. My heart felt frozen for a future unknown.

At the time my brother had goals to join the Air Force, as my uncle and grandfather had. We all went with him to the recruiter’s office, and I for some reason, wandered into the Navy’s door. They were very nice, as it was their job to be. They were able to relate to me and told me stories of great war ships and sailing to all these exotic countries. Guam? Spain? Egypt? All places that I wanted to go to. The final factor that made me sign my life away was the singular picture of a great white ship. The red cross painted on its sides like the beating hearts of all the people I wanted to help. I wanted that. I wanted to be there, to peruse my goals in the medical field, and to travel. The Navy seemed to have it all. On top of that, they said they would be paying for my college. I was told that I would be going in as a AECF (Advanced Electronics and Computer Field). It didn’t matter, I was going to cross rate to Corpsman and fufil the part of my life that my college plans had failed.

That is not what happened.

The reality of the Navy hit hard. I completed bootcamp, another story entirely, and was stationed at Great Lakes. It was there I discovered I was going to become a FCA. Fire Controlman Aegis. It meant nothing to me. I still had the delusion in my mind that I was going to be something, anything medical. That delusion faded quickly as I was told over and over, no one cross rated out of my rate. There was nothing to be done. I had already signed my contract and had six years to serve.

The first year was in Great Lakes, going through ATT and A-School. I didn’t know it then, but that was one of the happiest years of my life. I was free for the first time in my life despite the strict rules. I was discovering who I wanted to be and what mattered most to me. I made friends with people that still mean a lot to me and it breaks my heart that I have none of them with me now.

The second year I spent in my actual C-School at Dahlgren, Virginia. I was alone, and that base being in the middle of nowhere, did nothing to make that feeling go away. I had been sad before, but it was at Dahlgren that I had become depressed for the first time in my life as I struggled to understand relationships and loneliness. My sister carried me through that time. She gave me things to look forward to. We talked every day about what things were like in both of our lives. I made new friends with the people in my class, but still kept them at a distance, because I knew I would have to say goodbye to them too.

After C-School I did just that. Only two people in that class came with me to Norfolk, Virginia. It was at my new ship, the USS Vicksburg- CG 69, where I experienced the most change. Before the Navy and during those first few years in my Navy Schools, I had always been a quiet and subdued little creature. I let things happen to me and let people talk to me-treat me-however they wanted. I don’t really know why anymore. Maybe I was afraid, or maybe I was always too scared of what would happen if I did stand up for myself. It was here I discovered that no one else was going to take care of me except myself.

I have been on the Vicksburg for two years now, going on three. I have another two attached there. In the first two years I met people that pushed my boundaries and never apologized for it. I began to grow as a person and maybe far enough to even say as a leader. Still, the whole process there has not been easy and there are so many days that I still feel shattered and broken wondering if I should have swallowed that student debt just for the sake of saving my own mind.

It is such a dangerous game to play. Questioning the one decision of my life where the branches of choices had split. Who would I have been if I stayed on the college route? Would I still be that meek and quiet creature, or would I been able to push myself there? Would the experience and knowledge learned at college have shaped a person that I would have been proud to be? Now, was the metal strain of the military worth it? Will I miss some of those shattered pieces that I have lost through the military? I don’t have a way of knowing the answers to those questions. Even if I did, would it have changed my course?

My life at the Vicksburg has been such an elevator of good and bad times. Things change there everyday and the organization is always chaotic. When I first arrived, there was a crew of 40. I was the first new person strait out of school to go there. They had no idea what to do with me. So, they sent me to different ships for different amounts of time. I have been on the Gettysburg, the James E. Williams, the Nitze, the Cole, the Gonzalez, the Leyte Gulf, and the Winston S. Churchill. Each for times as short as a week to as long as four months. I have met so many good people at these places and frankly some creepy people too. Being at all these places sometimes made me feel worse about the Navy. I was a foster kid with no real home, and no real purpose. I wasn’t really a part of all these ship families I met. I was always pulled away and returned to the stitched-up mess my own ship was as it went through a confusing modernization. I had seen really good commands, and really bad ones. I had seen the effects of good leadership, and bad leadership. One of these commands told a sailor right in front of me that to the Navy he was just a number and that no one cared about his problems. I had made close bonds with people to only break them. I have seen really hard workers go ignored and really lazy ones be rewarded for putting off their work to others. I see people avoid punishment and wreck havoc on their workcenters and drag everyone down. I see people every day that should not be part of the fabric of the Navy, and I see how cruel and unfair people can be. I see people get away with sexual harassment even when they were reported for it. I see people treat others like complete shit and its tolerated because they are a higher rank.

When you complain about the issues you face people will respond, "This isn't how the Navy really is," or, "Your next command won't be like this." But, what if it is? Why would I risk more time in my life to something that is horrible most of the time? Even, if it is different somewhere else, would I be willing to give up more time with my family, and more time away from the goals and career I originally wished for? Whether or not it is worth it to those people, the Navy is definitely not for everyone. At this point in time, I don't think the Navy is for me, and that its whole organization needs change.

My life is still full of questions. Walking through the bare metal halls of the ghost ship being rebuilt as I have been rebuilt, I imagine one day saying goodbye to that terrible and necessary place. Saying goodbye again to the people that mean so much to me. Although that place seems so permanent to me now, I will one day say goodbye to it and it’s up to me to figure out what comes next.