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The Weird Sh*t That Bartenders Have To Deal With

You will not believe what some bartenders have to put up with...

By Juan NisbetPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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I’ve heard it said that, "at some point in life, everybody works behind a bar," and I for one think that everyone should. Some people love it, some hate it, some stick at it and others never go back. With low wages and typically unsocial working hours, the only real reason for anyone to be a bartender is either because they really do enjoy it, or because they don’t know how to do anything else…

I feel as though people often confuse working on a bar for an easy job — If you’ve ever done it (and been doing it right), you’ll know that it is not, and can be quite tough at times. There are times when us bartenders have to deal with some really weird sh*t that you probably wouldn’t expect.

I’ve only been working behind a bar for 3 years, but in that time, I’ve met a lot of good people, befriended a whole bunch of customers (I even lived with one for a bit) and seen all kinds of funny, weird, terrifying, slightly arousing and very disgusting things… Here are a few of the things me, my colleagues, and bartenders world-wide have to deal with on a regular basis.

1. Overly-Squelchy Public Displays of Affection

Perhaps the smell of real ale acts as a sort of an aphrodisiac for middle-aged men looking for late night kicks? It sounds ridiculous, but for what other reason would a man think a very public bar could be a suitable spot for his secretive heavy-petting sessions. Would it be too big of an inconvenience to just book a hotel room or find a nice quiet dogging spot like normal people? I mean, it’s hardly discreet, plus nobody wants to see sloppy-balls and his side-piece getting nasty to the soundtrack of AC/DC or Metallica or whatever romantic selection our late-night lover decides to put on the jukebox.

2. People That Poo Themselves

Yes, really. When I started out as a bartender, I knew I’d have to occasionally tell someone off for pissing in the beer garden, or clean up sick every here and there, but never did I think I’d be pulling soiled boxers out of the men’s toilets on a Saturday night, until that one fateful night. Some of my friends have even had the pleasure of mopping up after the even less fortunate, which is about as grim as it sounds. Well yeah, now you know, sometimes people get so pissed that they sh*t their britches. Sh*t happens, I guess.

3. The Occasional Paedophile

Yeah… This is a bit of a weird one. I’ve worked with people as young as 16, who’ve been offered to be taken out on dates by men of 60+ years old. Occasionally they’ve even had creepy pictures taken of them. For some reason older blokes hit on really young girls behind the bar weirdly often, even after being told their age… Nobody (especially not a teenage girl) wants to have to say the sentence: “could you stop staring at my neck” to a man who’s eagerly swilling his own teeth around in his mouth.

4. Confused Druggos Who’ve Completely Lost Their Sh*t

By far my favorite type of weirdo, but also one of the toughest to deal with. The thing about people who are off absolutely off their nut on Mandy or Meth is that they’re completely unpredictable. Sometimes they want a hug, sometimes they want a fight, most of the time they just want a glass of water and a minute to figure out what the heck is going on.

I fondly recall one night about a year ago, just after I’d shut the pub, a guy (clearly an absolute smack-head) appeared outside sweating his little tits off, jaw like a tumble dryer, pie-eyed, complaining that he couldn’t figure out a puzzle, or something along those lines. I’d said the pub was shut and so we couldn’t help him, but he insisted that me and my colleague lend a hand in “putting the puzzle pieces in his brain back together.” We didn’t hang around much longer after that but I hope he managed to get his brain puzzle sorted out…

5. Alcoholics Looking For Love

I’m all for making new friends and chatting with punters when I’m behind the bar, in fact I would consider it a staple in good customer service and an important part of being a bartender. That said, I’ve had some very strange encounters, with some equally as strange individuals. I remember a time when an older woman (who for whatever reason, are often the culprits for this sort of behavior) approached me at the bar, half-murmuring the words “I don’t know if it’s the menopause or the alcohol speaking, but I find you so attractive.” — An absolutely hilarious chat-up line if I’ve ever heard one. I can honestly say she wasn’t my type, but I appreciated the effort.

I think it’s easy, when you’re drunk, to forget what you look or sound like from a sober perspective, which occasionally leads to looking like a bit of tw*t. Don’t sweat it, it happens to the best of us.

6. Weird Acts of Revenge After Service Is Refused

So you’ve had too much and become a bit of a nuisance to the staff and the other punters, unfortunately we’re going to have to cut you off. Now, most people would fight their case for a couple of minutes and eventually say “fair enough,” walk out, and find another pub to annoy. That’s what most people would do. The other small percentage of people who are refused kick up an absolute storm like they want to fight us for some reason, nevertheless, you eventually come to sort of expect that kind of response too.

I’ve even had people email my boss accusing me of assaulting them, just because I’d barred them (which, obviously was absolute b*llocks).

One thing I honestly never saw coming though, is, following refusal, a bloke somewhat calmly taking his empty glass into the men’s toilet, filling it right back up, and returning to the bar to enjoy a nice warm sip of his own salty, steaming p*ss. Followed almost immediately by a hasty exit. He actually left the still-hot pint glass on the bar as a little present for us…

So yeah, if you want to get back at the staff after being cut off, just drink your own p*ss, that’ll teach them!

Those are just some of the more common examples too. Some of the rarer cases of booze-lunacy include:

  • The Phantom Glass Shitter (used to leave a fresh turd in a glass for us every night)
  • The Sh*t Artist (who liked to draw on walls using actual human poo)
  • The Lizard Woman (she once brought me a giant bearded dragon in a pizza box…)
  • The Grinch (tried to steal Christmas — well the tree at least)

And many more…

So please, when you’re out on the lash, or having a quiet drink at your local, try not to act like a complete dumb-ass, sh*t your pants, or touch any children.

And tip the staff, they’re definitely not getting paid enough.

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