The Drunk Parent

children suffer with hearts torn

mourning the loss of parents,

alive in body, yet dead

in mind, heart and empathy

as glasses clink together

and celebrations go on

children suffer with hearts torn

.

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This short poem was born from a few strong memories and the powerful impact a particular study from October 2020 had on me. This groundbreaking study was one of the very first to evidence that even just one alcoholic drink per month significantly impaired a person’s ability to empathise with others.

I have always known this but seeing the evidence base gave me the confidence to begin talking about it. Of course the correlation of higher alcohol intake levels and greater inability to empathise were absolute.

I remember being at a BBQ years ago where there were 4/5 kids. The adults were all downing drink after drink and talking about work stresses, sharing old stories they thought amusing or relavent, and hell bent on having a “good time”.

Meanwhile those little kids were running about high as kites on sugar, desperate for the interaction of a conscious adult. They worked hard to get it. Their parents were constantly shooing them away, dismissively telling them to go away and play together (or in other words “just fuck off”) or giving them a row (is that a common phrase or a Scottish term?) for their many attempts to gain our attention.

I really struggled being there.

They all disappeared at one point for quite some time. After a while they returned to the garden and declared they had prepared a play for us. I was the only one giving them my full attention. Some (of their own parents, remember) were on their phones, others ignored them completely and kept talking.

This scene sticks with me.

It’s such a common British scene. It’s so common in fact, that no one discusses it, or thinks it’s in any way neglectful or harmful for children to be in such an environment.

I recall reading a book called the Celestine Prophecy many years ago (Brilliant read - I think all of you would love it. It’s got Paulo Coehlo vibes) that said children should always have access to the undivided attention of ar least one conscious adult at all times.

I gave a lot of thought to this.

All of this. And the book is absolutely right. We rob children of growth when we allow them to raise themselves. We create attachment trauma (and countless self worth and confidence issues) when we teach them our alcohol and friends are more worthy of our attention than them.

And on top of this? What kind of parent do the kids have the next day? Or for the next month? Parents whose brains literally struggle to empathise. To be sensitive to the child (or their partners) needs.

Perhaps you are a parent.

Perhaps you drink.

Perhaps you consider you are empathetic.

I would ask you to consider this. Firstly, do you understand the difference between sympathy and empathy? And secondly, do you truly believe what you consider to be “empathetic” is in fact truely empathetic?

Are you really the magical exception to the science? Are you ignoring the obvious fact that when depleted (after drinking alcohol) you can’t possibly be the parent your child truly needs.

Are you swimming in denial?

Why do you drink?

For ‘fun’?

To escape?

To escape what?

Your own child???

Start asking these questions and the answers will come. From there you will be empowered to make better choices…

We don’t drink and drive. We know that we are all over the limit the next day. Yet we drink and parent? Am I spelling out the insanity enough?

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An old article of mine that’s poorly titled in regards to the content! It turned into more of a personal essay about alcohol.