Life by the Bottle

As long as I could remember, my mom and dad hated each other, and I put emphasis on "hate." The type of life my brothers and sister and I encountered and lived through was terrible, to say the least.

I have distinct memories of my mother holding a knife to my father's throat at just 10 years old. As the eldest, I held my siblings back from seeing the terror. I would grab the phone, shaking, calling 911... again... for the 16th time that week. They knew me by name. They would come, make one parent leave, usually my dad, because he was always the sober one. Which left us with my mom. That was a nightmare.

My parents didn't just hate each other. My mother was an alcoholic, and my dad just ran from it. Leaving it on me. I had to protect my siblings. I took most of the attacks. Just to protect them. It hurt me very much. My mother called me ugly things, but I always knew it was because she was drunk. When she was sober, she was so different. A few other memories come to mind. One time she had a fit because I was on the computer typing, and the keyboard typed too loud and she told me not to type so loud. I can't tell you how many times I have run away. I would have rather lived on the streets than in a home that was so broken, it wasn't worth it.

Eventually, CPS told my mother she had to leave or my siblings would have gone into foster care (which wouldn't have happened. I was 18, I would have gotten custody). So my mom, angry and drunk, left. There was just this sense of relief. My dad was never like my mom. He was caring. He never questioned me. He knew I was an adult and let me do adult things. His motto? If you want to learn you have to fail, and in order to fail, you have to do it. He let me make many mistakes. He let me cry them out, whether it was over boys, or girls, or school, or not having a job or a car.

Well, now I am 34 years old. I am married with kids of my own. My mother has recovered and is doing better. My parents still live apart and are happy that way. My siblings have all led successful lives. The only thing is, I am suffering mentally because of all if it. I have depression since that time in my life. I have since developed anxiety so bad that my attacks are debilitating. I will probably have to be on medication for the rest of my life. I also have terrible self-esteem. But one good thing came of all this. I never drank in front of my kids and if I did have a drink, it was one or two on an occasion. I never got "wasted." I never talked to my kids the way I was talked to, I never make them feel unloved or unwanted. I tell them I love them every day. My daughters will never feel worthless or not good enough for anyone and my son will know how to treat women with great respect. I have a very close relationship with all of them and that's what I learned. I learned that my kids deserve more than I got. I knew there was a life over than what I was given and I was going to make sure my kids had a chance at that life and they did. So Mom, Dad, thank you.