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Legend of Frat Boy, Hobo, Housewife

by Alex Caspary 14 days ago in satire

Three best friends and a St. Patrick's Day they will never forget

St. Patrick's Day 2022

It was St. Patrick’s Day and three best friends — Frat Boy, Hobo and Housewife — were out partying.

After a few green drinks, they began to quarrel. Frat Boy claimed he could out drink Housewife. Housewife disagreed. So they asked Hobo to decide who the superior drinker was. Unable to choose between his friends, he arranged a beer chugging competition.

Try as she might, Housewife could not out chug Frat Boy (who is doing a keg stand right now). Frat Boy boasted that he was unbeatable. Hobo disagreed, claiming he could drink Frat Boy under the table. So they asked Housewife to decide who the best drinker was. Unable to choose between her friends, she arranged a shot drinking competition.

Try as he might, Frat Boy did not have the tolerance or experience to slam back more shots than Hobo (who has been swilling a 40 of malt liquor from a paper bag since this morning). So Hobo claimed no one could out drink him. Housewife disagreed, saying she was the superior drinker.

So they asked Frat Boy to decide who was best. Unable to choose between his friends he arranged a wine drinking competition.

Try as he might, Hobo could not drink more wine than Housewife (who says, "It’s always 5 o’clock somewhere," before pouring another glass of Chardonnay at 9 am).

The friends were dismayed. (And a little depressed, not just from the drinking.) They still did not know who was best. So they parted ways.

Frat Boy went back to his Frat House and shotgunned brews with his bros.

Hobo sat alone under his bridge.

And Housewife went to the salon and confided in her stylist.

They each came to the realization that no one needs to be the best drinker at the party; they all have something special to offer. Frat Boy has his abs and ridiculous stories of the night before. Hobo has his fighting skills and screaming ability. And Housewife picks up the check because neither of the other two have any money.

So they returned to the bar, and are even better friends than before.

Happy St Patty’s!

Post-story activities.

Here are some fun St. Patrick's Day activities, that are sure to delight:

1) Shotgun brews with the bros.

Bros of course is short for brothers. Typically slang for fraternity brothers, these lifelong friends usually aren't actually related, but share a bond that may be even deeper. Shotgunning, is a time-honored tradition whereby a beer can is chugged from the bottom, using gravity and pressure to drain the beverage quickly. And if that idea puts too much pressure on you, try...

2) Confiding in your stylist.

The stylist-client relationship is a sacred one, and not easily broken. Besides, no one cares about your secrets anyway. Your problems are shallow and selfish.

3) Get paid.

Don't be like Hobo. Get a job, you bum.

4) Fireworks.

If you're going to blow something up, might as well make it sparkle.

5) Hunt vampires.

Vampires are easily killed with a stake to the heart, sunlight, holy water, or decapitation. They are weakened by crosses and garlic.

Post-activities summary.

This fable was birthed after many St. Patrick's Day drinks, and inspiration taken from many popular children's books.

Here are some fun quotes:

"Beauty is in the hand of the beer holder."

"I've never met a dog I did not like, unless it was closing time and I didn't have enough to drink."

"The only difference between a beer and your opinion is that I asked for the beer."

Remember: leprechauns. They're out there. Watch your ass.

Oh, and please drink responsibly.

Thanks for reading. If you like this story, and would like to see more from me, please tip!

satire

Alex Caspary

Age: 36

B.Sc from Queens University

General Insurance License

Avid writer, proud father, devoted husband.

Read next: Should You Get a Wine Fridge?

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