Do These Titties Smell Like Beer?

There are many celebrations that are about to take place in our country for New Year’s Eve. Clubs, bars, and restaurants will be full of people welcoming the new year by getting shitfaced and hopefully having a wonderful time.

This made me think about the funniest and craziest moments I’ve been a part of in bars. When you add alcohol to a gathering of funny or unpredictable people, it can create some life-long memories. To be clear:

I’ve seen some shit.

I think we all have a few stories regarding alcohol and shenanigans. Rarely do you hear someone start to tell a memorable story that starts with, “Well, we were all drinking MILK, and…”

It’s the booze. The hooch. The liquor. It makes for some memorable events. Just ask my favorite alcoholic of all time, Jim Lahey from Trailer Park Boys. He knows.

“All We Can Do, Is All We Can Do”

During my divorce in 2007, I experienced all of the things I missed by being married to my first girlfriend at a young age. I never dated anyone prior to the end of our 10 1/2-year relationship.

My brother decided that it was his job to fix that. He took it upon himself to guide me in being newly single and needing to experience life. He’d already been divorced once or twice by this time. A military man, he definitely had more experience in bars than I did.

He told me to meet him one evening at a pool place to drink beer and meet some of his coworkers. They seemed like a likable bunch. Big Frank was a huge Pacific Islander who would kick everyone’s ass at pool while saying, “I LOVE MONEY”, taking the small wagers bet against him just about every time.

Toward the end of the evening, the oldest of my brother’s crew, who looked like Blue from the movie Old School was tanked up. He sat there on a stool, teetering ever-so precariously, muttering the same words every few minutes:

“All we can do, is all we can do.”

Amen, Pops. Amen to that.

“Nah, man. NAH.”

I had a buddy named Joe. He had a buddy named Som. Som was also Pacific Islander, but that’s just a coincidence of this blog. He was no relation to Big Frank who loves money when hustling pool.

Joe and I worked together. We had a store employee outing one evening. We all decided we’d go to a comedy club in town and enjoy some stand-up and a few drinks. I agreed to pick up Joe at a small bar before the show, where he was pre-gaming before the main event.

Upon my arrival, I saw Joe with a Long Island iced tea. While slurping down the rest of it within a couple of minutes, he started telling me that we’d meet his friend Som at the comedy club. Then he proceeded to tell me what a badass Som could be, but he was cool unless provoked.

After Joe threw down another Long Island, I drove us to the club. Joe was pretty lit as you can imagine, drinking at least two vodka drinks in about 20 minutes. I met Som who looked every bit as intimidating as Joe mentioned but was kind toward me, though he was a bit quiet.

Joe ordered another mixed drink and once the show started, he did the whole “drunk-guy” bantering with the comedian. Rude as hell, but Joe was pretty wasted at this point. They kicked him out and he started shouting at the comedian, while Som pulled him toward the door.

I was worried about Som busting someone in the chops if they stepped to him and drunken-Joe. They made it out of the club, but then the cops showed up. Oh, man. Then I heard the catchphrase Joe had told me earlier that Som always said before it was ON.

“Nah, man. NAH.”

Fortunately, the cops didn’t escalate things, as a taxi had already pulled up. They allowed Som to toss Joe into the taxi, and no blood was shed that evening. Thank Christ.

“Do These Titties Smell Like Beer?”

This came about that same summer when I was newly divorced. My best friend Derek and I decided we’d go check out the local bar in our smaller town. It was right down the street from where he lived.

I was still new to the bar scene and really had no game to speak of. Being married for all of your adult life has the tendency to domesticate you, whether you want it to or not. Plus I’ve always been more of a nice guy than a party animal.

After a game of pool and attempting to chat up a number of ladies to no avail, I was bummed out. There was no interest in Newly-Single Provencio. Plus two drunken douchebags ran into each other, spilling beer all over us. *Sigh.

We were drunk, tired, and I was in a sad mood about nobody being interested in me, at least that evening. Derek then told me something I’ll never forget:

“Jason, you’re a hell of a good guy. Don’t ever let any woman make you feel less than you are. That’s their loss.”

Aw. My best bud knew exactly the right thing to say just when I needed to hear it the most. He was a hefty fella and pulled me close for a big bro hug. He kind of smashed my face into his chest. Then he said these magical words I’ll never forget:

“Do these titties smell like beer?”

Fucker. He could always make me laugh. I needed that. Mission accomplished.

Be safe out there this New Year’s Eve and remember these stories. If you get wasted enough, be sure to tell one or more of these to your friends. Or have them follow my blog. Cheers! &:^)