Confessions of a Nightclub Owner

"Hey, so I filled out my liquor license application over a month ago and I am just wondering why I haven't received it yet?"

"Sir, you haven't submitted the remainder of your paperwork."

At this point my heart dropped, I thought I was going to pass out I had been running an illegal nightclub for the past 3 weeks. I could have been fined thousands of dollars and could have lost all the money I put into it. How could have I missed some paperwork???

"What paperwork is that?"

"You haven't submitted your food menu."

"I'm a nightclub, I'm not serving food!"

"Sir, all liquor serving establishments must serve some sort of food until 10 pm, otherwise you will not be given your liquor license"

"I don't open up until 9, no one even goes out to the bar until 11!"

"Sir, that doesn't matter you still have to serve some sort of food?

"I have a vending machine does that count?"

"No sir you need to serve something a bit more nutritional than a candy bar."

This has got to be the stupidest most asinine law I have ever heard of. My worry turns into a rage that my liquor license is being held up by something so simple like how is this even possible over food???

"I have never seen a menu at a nightclub in the city in my life when did this become a rule and what sort of food do I need to offer?"

"Every bar and nightclub in the city offers food sir, you really need to look into these things more thoroughly and some other liquor serving establishments in the city offer microwavable pizzas or sandwiches."

How in the hell is that nutritional? It's just as bad as a candy bar or bag of chips. Deep down I am about to explode.

"Ok, thank you, I will E-mail you my menu shortly, and do you think I can get this all settled and get my permit by tomorrow night?"

"NO, Sir we need to inspect your entire establishment after you submit your menu and the earliest that can be is on Monday."

FUCK!!!!!!! It's the second last weekend of the month and I'm losing at least 20% of my revenue because of a stupid menu. This is embarrassing, what am I going to tell my staff and patrons, this is going to kill all my momentum I built up the previous 3 weekends. My heart is beating so hard it hurts, I'm sweating like a pig in the middle of summer even though it's the middle of winter and there's 2 feet of snow outside.

Time to do some market research.

"Hi, I am just wondering if you serve food at your club?"

"Why are you asking that?"

"I get really, really hungry when I drink and I'm just trying to plan ahead for my night out tomorrow, it would be great if you could let me know."

"We have 6" personal pizzas."

"What toppings?"

"Cheese."

"And how much?"

"$100."

"OK thank you very much!"

WTF $100 for a 6" personal pizza??? This is crazy but if that's how this game works I can play it too. Now to cover my ass and tell everyone we had some frozen pipes. Yeah that will work it happens from time to time in old buildings all the time.

- Dear Nightclub patrons, we will be closed this weekend due to frozen water pipes. For any inconvenience this has caused please contact us for discounted bottle service next Friday. - Nightclub Management