Classic Cocktail Corrections

I just read the worst butchering of classic cocktail recipes I’ve ever seen. In the event that you’ve read it and plan to blindly follow those recipes, I need to step in and stop you before every classic cocktail is corrupted. Allow me to establish my credentials: my first bartending gig was in 1993. Most of my F&B experience is waiting tables (I prefer it), but I know my way around a bar and returned to it roughly five years ago, to keep from getting rusty.

Let’s start with vermouth. Noilly-Pratt is the standard, and you need dry for martinis, sweet for Manhattans. Never the twain shall meet. Also, you want to be really careful with vermouth. If you know anything about martini drinkers, you know the variations in what’s considered the proper amount of vermouth in a martini (vodka or gin). On the heavy end, pour a measure of vermouth in the glass, swish it around, pour it out, then pour the chilled liquor into the glass. On the lighter side, pour the liquor into a different glass altogether, whisper the word “vermouth” while you chill the vodka or gin, or call a friend on the other side of the planet and have her wave a bottle of vermouth in front of the phone. Too much dry vermouth will destroy a martini. Likewise, too much sweet vermouth will annihilate a Manhattan, traditionally made with rye (Bulleit is my recommendation) or bourbon, not Canadian whiskey, and it also needs a dash of bitters to complete the flavor profile. A Manhattan should be stirred, as shaking bruises whiskey. Further, Luxardo, not maraschino, cherries belong in a Manhattan. It’s not a Shirley Temple.

Cognac and/or brandy should never come near a julep. Ever.

Bourbon is the only thing (aside from crushed ice, mint, and simple syrup, and it should be spearmint, not peppermint) that goes in a mint julep. Ever. Four Roses is the best choice, Basil Hayden or Woodford Reserve is also fine.

Coca-cola does not belong in an old fashioned, nor does Jack Daniels. Traditionally, an old fashioned calls for bourbon, but a good rye also blends well in this classic cocktail. Jack Daniels is neither of these things—it is sour mash from Tennessee, which is a sacrilege in Kentucky. You also want to consider which side of the Tug River the whiskey was distilled on before you loosely throw around the word “bourbon.”

If you want to next-level an old fashioned, muddle dark brown sugar with an orange slice, orange and Angostura bitters, and a Luxardo cherry. Old Forester is perfect in an old fashioned.

Margherita with an h (not to be confused with Susannah with an h) is a pizza, not a cocktail; that’s a margarita, and you want to be extremely careful with margaritas. It’s not the tequila or triple sec that’s dangerous, it’s the sour mix. If the sour mix isn’t freshly squeezed lemon and lime juice, do not drink a margarita: prepared sour mix is loaded with citric acid and sodium citrate, and it’s nearly as bad for your body as Mountain Dew. Poison, do not drink. Apply this rule about sour mix to whiskey sours, amaretto sours, Tom Collins, and any other drink that calls for sour mix.

There are many other crimes against cocktails in what I believe is a beginner’s guide to adult beverages, but most of them are misdemeanors, and I’m primarily concerned with cleaning up the felonies.

Speaking of felonies against cocktails, the Bloody Mary was absent. I suppose I should be glad, especially after seeing that nonsense about putting olives in a French 75. Olive brine clashes with the bright acidity of a French 75, and the unctuous qualities muddy the tomato juice’s acidity in a Bloody Mary. As I often say, it’s not a tomato martini, so keep the olives away. Lemon, lime, celery. Spicy rim. Pickled vegetables like zucchini, green beans, and asparagus are acceptable (and tasty). A freshly shucked oyster is a delicious enhancement, but try not to go overboard unless you’re aspiring to the Large Marge, which even comes with a burger slider and a beer.

Further, mead is not wine.

A French 75 is garnished with a lemon twist.

Without kahlua, that White Russian is just vodka and milk.

The name of the traditional vodka, cranberry, and lime martini is the cosmopolitan, not the metropolitan.

Traditional rum drinks are the Cuba libre, piña colada, mojito, and daiquiri, as well as the rum runner and planter’s punch.

Mimosas and Palomas are no more Bellinis than are Negronis and Aperol Spritzes.

A Paloma is a tequila highball with lime, grapefruit, and soda (or grapefruit soda) that should never involve prosecco or champagne.

A traditional Mimosa is champagne and orange juice, although most brunch bartenders have become creative with fruit juices and infused syrups.

Top-fermented beer is ale; bottom-fermented beer is lager.