Table for One

Remnants of the store-bought, single-sliced chocolate cake hid in the slits of Liam’s teeth creating a faint bittersweet taste. The semi-sweet aftertaste reminded him of happier times, but those memories left emotional bruises. He knew he could never return to those days where his entire family would gather around him, and the largest homemade chocolate cake singing off-key in celebration. His eyes would dance with flames of excitement as a warm radiant smile was plastered across his face. Even as he used every muscle in his body to inhale, his smile lingered in the corners of his lips. Their cheers would erupt loud enough to rattle the windows as he expelled all of the air from his lungs to blow out every last candle in a single breath. Those were the moments he used to live in, as he felt unconditionally loved or so he thought. Much like the cake fragments lurking in his mouth, his memories had dwindled over time and had lost the value of when they had first occurred. Especially now, as he sat alone at the kitchen table eating a sad excuse for cake in the dark.

“Happy Birthday,” he whispered to himself as a small tear glided down his cheek and collided with the granite tabletop. The moonlight crept in through his open windows creating a delicate white glow in his apartment. The atmosphere was calm, as gentle shadows swayed in a slow rhythmic motion on the walls. A deafening silence hung in the air, like fog, gradually suffocating all happiness this day was meant to have. Occasionally, Liam’s fork would scrape across his plate creating a haunting echo through the empty halls. This is genuine loneliness he thought as he quietly mourned the life that once was.

All at once, last year's memories circled Liam like vultures feeding off all of his vulnerabilities. He remembered the moment he blew out the candles on his eighteen birthday. His loved ones were cheering, and chatting away as his mom started cutting slices of cake. A voice shouted over the crowd “What did you wish for?”

Liam, who sat silent, and feeling miles away from everyone, whispered

“I wish I was a boy.” Liam’s dad looked over to where his newly eighteen-year-old daughter sat,

“What did you say sweetie?” he laughed. Liam took a deep breath,

“ I wish I was a boy,” he shouted over the crowd. An instant stillness fell over the entire house as Liam’s family focused on him sitting there in a white knee-length dress trembling. Despite all the anxiety, he felt and the overwhelming burden to please his parents he found this unsteady yet brave voice to declare who he was meant to be.

The events that followed this revelation were an endless stream of questions, anger, denial, and ultimately abandonment. Liam had always known that long hair, make-up, and heels never suited him. Each year he would make the same wish, but when his birthday would come back around he would still be in that damn white dress, and his smile would weaken a little more. Pretending to be Lisa had caused this bubble of acid to grow within him, slowly consuming him from the inside out. Eventually, he had become this hollow puppet parading around in an infinite charade. He had lost himself in a sea of everyone else’s desires but had finally strengthened that hesitant voice in his head. He had found solid ground within himself and knew it was better to be a he and start over than a she and surround himself with people who could not accept him.

It had been a year since Liam made his first appearance, and although it had been an isolated one he had numerous reasons to celebrate. He had felt all the shame of hiding roll off his shoulders when he finally cut his hair short. He was proud of his appearance when he wore his chest binder out in public. He nearly broke down in tears the first time he was called sir by a stranger. This year had a staggering amount of firsts, and although he had no one to share it with, it made him realize he made the right choice in putting himself first.

Even now, sitting at his kitchen table unaccompanied and clinging to a cheap imitation of chocolate cake for comfort, he was confident in his decision. He knew that there would still be an occasional tidal wave of sadness, but he held out hope that maybe there would be a day that his loved ones could progress their beliefs, and embrace their son. He lifted himself from the table leaving his heartache behind in the empty chair. He dumped the rest of the chocolate cake in the trash can and thought next year he would get red velvet instead. He carried himself down the hall to his bedroom. He wedged himself in between his sheets and was ready to sleep off this day when his phone lit up the room. He tilted the bright blue screen toward him to see a message from his mom.

Happy 19th Birthday Liam, we love you.

Liam’s bright, and joyful birthday smile was once again plastered across his face as he went to bed knowing that the one day he had wished for was maybe not so far away.