So What are you Really Saying?

Last week, we officially launched our podcast, Soul in Love! We have so many stories we want to share with the world! From our struggles to our experiences to our ups and downs, but mostly all of the things that have kept us Soul in Love for nearly a decade! Black and LGBTQ+ love is so important, and we decided to share our love story while also highlighting other Black and LGBTQ+ couples.

Throughout the podcast, we'll also be inviting some special guests who will talk about the ins and outs of healthy relationships and offer our listeners advice.

Soul in Love premiered on June 28 with our first episode, So What are You Saying? The episode told the story of how we met, and we added in some tips about making the first move, asking the right questions and being upfront about situationships.

We also decided to share the transcript of our conversation on Vocal! We hope you enjoy below:

VAL: So, Bryce and I have always had differing views about the events that surrounded the day we met and the days immediately after. To give you a bit of the backstory, we met in 2010 when I was a sophomore and Bryce was an incoming freshman at Elizabeth City State University. I was a student orientation leader, and he was going through the motions of orientation. I approached Bryce first because there was nothing about me that screamed, “Heyyy I like girls, let’s chat!”

BRYCE: So, just to be clear, I hadn’t transitioned at this point. Bryce wasn’t my name, and I had no game. I was very androgynous at this point in my life and confused about my identity. Val was very outgoing, and I was very timid, and I am sure she could tell from a mile away that I was never going to approach her, but that’s not what we are covering lol. Continue baby…

VAL: Right lol! So, I was like let me convince one of the orientation leaders to swap groups with me so that I can be a part of Bryce’s group and ultimately flirt enough so that he would get the hint. Here’s where things get a bit tricky with our stories. My version is that on the first day of orientation, I asked Bryce if he wanted to grab some ice cream. He obviously said yes, and we drove off in my car, AKA Babe. I took us to Dairy Queen, and I ordered rainbow-sprinkled vanilla ice cream in a cone, and he didn’t get anything. I then drove him back to the hotel where he was staying with his parents, and we sat in my car and chatted for a while. Bryce I’m going to let you take it from here lol

BRYCE: Actually, it was the second day of orientation, and we went to McDonald's hoping that their ice cream machine was working because Dairy Queen in Elizabeth City was closed, so I need you not to lie to the people. They have always closed super early. I remember it being late because my mom was tripping and didn’t want me to go. These are the type of stories that ruin marriages because it’s the details that people forget. So, you don’t remember our first outing together baby? Lol.

VAL: This is why I don’t let you tell the story of how we met lol. Regardless, two things are clear even if our stories are slightly different: I asked you out and ice cream was had. But that’s not the most important part of this story. Carry on.

BRYCE: I agree with that. Alright, so Elizabeth City State University always offered bowling or held an event night for the new students, which was hosted by the orientation leaders. It was the NBA playoffs, so I used that to make conversation with Valerie as a result of her beauty and big personality intimidating me. When the game was over, we went and had conversation in a small room between the pool hall and the bowling alley. This is where I told her I had a girlfriend. She was a bit extreme for a minute and used that as an opportunity to attack my character lol. However, we still went to get ice cream before she took me to my hotel.

VAL: Excuse me lol. That’s hilarious Bryce. And your story doesn’t even sound right because why would I still take you to get ice cream after you told me you had a girlfriend?

BRYCE: Because you were a nice person; I mean I don’t know. This is how I remember it lol. So, when Val dropped me off at the hotel that’s when I asked her for her number, and she asked me why I needed it with a girlfriend. I told her she was good peoples, and I would love to be friends. This was orientation, so her job was to take care of me, right?

VAL: Take care of you? You're delusional lol.

BRYCE: Your job was to make sure I settled in good on campus. I should have been able to call you for anything I needed lol. I eventually convinced Val to give me her number. What I didn’t tell Val at the time was that my girlfriend was going to be my roommate for the new school year.

VAL: That’s news to me! I never knew that and I’m glad I rarely answered your calls and texts lol. But I think that pretty much completes the backstory so what are the lessons here?

In this part of the episode, Bryce and I went over some of the things we learned from our first few interactions on the day we met and the days immediately after.

1. Ask the right questions: Know when to ask open ended questions versus closed ended questions.

We both agreed that there were questions that we could've asked one another when we first met, mainly for me. I brought this up because after it was all said and done a part of me wished I had asked Bryce if he had a girlfriend upfront. I felt super disappointed in myself for hanging out with him during orientation and only finding out he had a girlfriend toward the end. I think that disappointment came from my assumption that he was single, which was sort definitely the wrong thing to assume because have you seen my husband? Sheeeeshh, he's so handsome.

2. Recognize your role as an individual: How did your behavior contribute to the outcome?

Though I ended up disappointed that Bryce had a girlfriend, I went into the situation like a boss. I was the one who approached Bryce, which I do think is unfamiliar territory for some women. And I like to really uplift my actions to encourage other women to shoot their shot. There's nothing wrong with seeing something you like and going after it. We do these things with our professions, hobbies, travel, etc., so why not do the same when we're trying to find love? Take a look at my situation. I pursued Bryce, and sure I ended up disappointed at the end of the day, but we remained friends for more than a year and FINALLY in the fall of 2011, we became a couple and in 2018 we got married. You never know how things will fall into place until you try.

3. Be upfront about your situationships

Bryce definitely made sure to tell me that he had a girlfriend, so I do commend him on being upfront about his situationship. However, that information could have been offered just a little sooner. But Bryce did say that he didn't think I was really into him because he couldn't tell if I was flirting with him since I was this giddy person around everyone. Regardless of the situation that you may be in, it really is important to tell people who you're pursuing or who may be pursuing you that you have a situationship, which can be an unresolved relationship, a relationship that is going down the drain, and the list goes on. Don't waste anyone's time, just be honest and upfront.

4. Sometimes it’s okay to know your expectations or end result in advance

When I asked Bryce if he thought I knew my expectations or the end result I was looking for in advance, he said no and yes, respectively. He explained that I didn't expect him to be in a relationship, but I did know that I wanted to be with him. And when I thought about that, he was absolutely right. I went in with one goal in mind: getting what I wanted. I ultimately achieved that goal but not immediately. However, we're making this point because had I gone in with the expectation that Bryce was in a relationship, I never would have approached him, which could have led to us not being an US. We also wanted to make this point because sometimes people approach others knowing they aren't ready for commitment. So, we both believe that before you start making those moves toward finding love, ready and prepare yourself for what that could look like.

5. Be Authentic

I think it can be easier said than done, especially with the pressure that society puts on individuals to conform to norms. You hear people say all the time that you should live authentically. What they don’t tell you is that while being true to you, it’s going to mean people won’t like you and they will not want you at their table. But that’s okay. Make your own tables. Don’t ever censor your truth, because you have to get comfortable with making people uncomfortable. Living authentically comes with sacrifice. You will lose friends, family and people who used to like you but may not like you anymore. And while that will be hard, you will gain so much more like people who truly want to see you win. As content creators, we've found that many people who say they support us don't, and that's either because they don't want to see us win or they don't like that we are living authentically.

6. Learn from your past relationships

We think this is pretty self-explanatory, but a lot of times when past relationships go sour, as individuals in the relationship, we don't think we had anything to do with it and oftentimes blame our former partners. So, we definitely want to encourage you to go back to point number two (recognize your role as an individual) and reflect.

7. Get Uncomfortable

We were invited to a Black Love panel last month and one of the things that we tossed around as part of dating advice was to look for love outside of your comfort zone. Meaning, try things that you wouldn't usually try like hiking or biking. There's so many different hiking, biking and running groups out there. There's a lot of groups out there in general, so it's about stepping into a place that's unfamiliar, especially if you're finding it hard to date on apps, the internet, social media, and the normal club scene.

We really hope y’all will head over to Apple podcasts or whichever platform you get your podcasts and tune in to Soul in Love. We hope you’ll also subscribe to our podcast and share with others. Be well, stay safe and join us Mondays at 10:28am for new episodes.