Paramore

There's a line in "Still Into You" by Paramore that says *recount the first night I met your mother* that is bittersweet.

This song is my jam, and it hits that serotonin release button. Plus, it fits. Danielle and I have a running joke about me being overbearing; we met on a dating site. We lived in different states. I knew we would be married the first time we exchanged messages.

No, I didn’t tell her I thought we would get married the first time we talked. I was charming as fuck. But I am also passionate about everything that I have a feeling about. I do not see shades of gray. I am either at zero or 100. I do not have an in-between. I didn’t pursue her romantically. She was dating. I respected her boundaries, and I was content to be her friend. I knew eventually she would see it. So we talked when we talked, and we got close.

On our first visit, she came to my parent’s house. She came on December 30th. She took the train. It felt like a scene in an old movie reel. We hugged, and she felt like home. It was easy right away. We laughed until 2 am when I left her to go to sleep. Her mom called her the next day, and when she realized I was there, she demanded to speak with me. We talked for an hour. She had to go. She didn’t even say goodbye to Danielle. And it wasn’t in a dismissive way.

That night we sat up with my brothers Jerry and Chris and my folx until they bowed out at 11 pm. Get some. The comfort between us all was like a shield I could feel forming, a tangible piece of armor that would keep the world out, just for that time. And Jerry was laughing in fits that him rolling literally on the ground. Which was infectious, and we would all be laughing at him, which would get him moving again. We welcomed the New Year together.

If you don't *know* me. If you've never been a bystander, while I’m interacting with someone in person when I'm at a Ten and on point, and I got their number. I'm pushing just enough to make them feel just outside their comfort zone and not know why you are missing out.

I'm charming and funny, and that is disarming. However, I can also deliver any line deadpan tone and remain expressionless. It’s how easily I vacillate between the two that makes me hard to read. I use that to my advantage. It is part of my trauma guarding.

The first time I was supposed to meet Danielle’s mom in person, we had already spoken on the phone. So she was pretty excited to meet me, which was weird considering she wasn't pro-lgbtq+. But like I said. I'm charming.

Danielle and I had been driving for a while. We had just left GG's place, and I could sense her panic. But, so far, all her family had taken to me immediately. Even her Grandpa, who didn't get my humor *at all* still loved seeing us together. He knew she was happy.

So as we are nearing her parent's house, she finally says what I know she has been thinking.

"Please don't confront my parents."

And I took her hand and kissed it and smiled and said, "whatever do you mean?"

So we pull in, and I'm stretching my legs, and some dogs are running at me. I'm preparing for a fight, LOL, but they were lovers, all bark, and I'm looking around because this is the place of 85% of Danielle's life. There is a small play yard next to the house. I'm picturing her on the slide or swinging with her sisters. Just beyond that is another fenced-off area with chickens. WTF!? To my left was a barn. I saw the animals she cared for in there, even though they've stood empty for some time.

I want to explore, but I have to meet the mom first and maybe find a bathroom if we're being honest.

I walked in through a combo mudroom and laundry room. A quick left took you into the kitchen; down the hall to the right was the entrance to the living room on the left, a small bathroom on the right. Finally, at the end of the hall was a door her mom was desperate to show me.

It's awkward at first. We're in the kitchen, Danielle and I, on one side of a beautiful kitchen table; I could see Danielle sitting there and eating with her family, bonding and fighting, and annoying each other, and missing each other when they leave. I see it all.

Her older sister was there as well, and she happened to have met me already, so I think she went to see what happened, if I'm being honest.

So I jump right in. It's awkward; I'm going to fix it by making it way worse.

I say, "You have a cute little bathroom. I like the décor."

And I did mean it sincerely; it was adorable. But it only had a sink and toilet and a small cupboard mirror, which is the relevant part.

"Where's you're bathtub? Are you hiding it? Is it upstairs? Are you 'Breaking Bad'? Making that m*th up there? Are you in a gang?"

My questions came so fast, in that deadpan tone, I think she stopped breathing. And Danielle's sister is laughing. And Danielle just stood there. Because I had not *confronted* her mom per se, but she is uber-conservative. Hence, every one of those questions probably made her increasingly uncomfortable.

She stood there looking at me, and her eyes were wide. Like wide. Then, I winked at her. And I have this half-smile that is all trouble. So I showed her that smile and said: "I am just kidding."

She let out an audible breath.

We spent some time making small talk. And then Danielle’s mom finally got me into the room at the end of the hall. It was her quilt room. Don't laugh. I love quilting. And we had bonded over the phone about that. But I am big. And I have a presence. Not because I'm fat, even though I am. But because even though I have debilitating anxiety, I do not make my physical or mental space smaller in public. Thank you Dissociative Identity Disorder. <sarcasm>

So I think seeing me in person was disconcerting for her. And it made her confront the truth. Because she saw it too. Danielle and I were going to happen (Snow Tha Product-Til Death).

But then, just like everyone else, she seemed to be Team Cori.

I proposed in February, and Danielle said yes. I was in school, so I finished the semester and moved in May. We got married in August. We’ve been together eight years, and we’ve battled some stuff. Our life is hard. But like the song says, “I’m still into you.” She’s my number one.

I want to share some parts in this story, but they are Danielle's, so it isn't my place.

She's in our wedding photos.

They came to a campground we had been at with some friends to say hi.

She visited, we had tough talks because I confronted her about her commentary in my house. It always ended well. I thought we were growing closer.

Then one time in her house because I needed to back up a stranger from some backward-ass beliefs. I excused myself then and apologized directly to the stranger about the issue. Looking back, I would venture that’s when the rift began,

And one thing leads to another…

Now we don't talk at all. And I am ok with it because of morals, ideals, and boundaries.

But it still feels bittersweet because it looked like our relationship had made her ask some new questions, and instead, she doubled down on her backward ones.

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