naked trees

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i had no intention of having a cliché seasonal love but i guess there’s really no way of planning these things. just like the trip wasn’t planned. an impulse actually, first time i ever take on a black friday offer. new york, round trip, on christmas? worth it. truth be told, i only had like two hundred dollars extra to bring with me on this trip but i hadn’t seen my older sister in more years i could count, so staying with her would be the perfect chance for us to catch up and also solve my housing issue. the day came, as soon i stepped foot in new york ground, i actually felt butterflies in my stomach. it reminded me when i was in 9th grade and the boys my best friends and i liked would stroll in front of our classroom. that little tingle, multiplying.

i took a taxi to my sister’s apartment. after so many years we hugged. she then introduced me to her roommate, who actually slept on the couch; a shy looking, queer ginger with a fucked up accent, who kindly offered to carry my bags. it was late so my sister and i limited our catching up to a minimum, her priorities being my sexual preferences and whether i had tried drugs or not.


— i’ve smoked some weed but only with my friends, i’ve never bought any for myself — i said, since it was the truth. i had to sound confident if i wanted to skip the other question. she noticed.


— well, we don’t judge in this house, you can like whoever you want, boy, girl, neither. as long as you’re happy, just be safe.


i didn’t tell her but, that actually made me feel more relieved than awkward. for the first time i felt i actually didn’t have to hide. must be the lightest i’ve felt before going to sleep. the next morning, a couple of curious kids wondering what i was doing in their bed, woke me up. i met my nephews for the first time, we had breakfast; our dad's styled pancakes and scrambled eggs. my sister had to work so she assigned the roomie to be my tour guide. it was cold, not cozy jacket cold, but long sleeves cold. the sun was trying her best to peek between them grayish december clouds. maybe it was the light, or the cold, or the fact we had been walking for almost half an hour but something made those cheeks look permanently blushed. these gave the perfect touch of tenderness on top of the rudeness drag; baggy jeans, classic yankees hoodie, pony tail and intense “men perfume” scent. i felt like i was fifteen again, unexperienced. and i was, in this scenario, i was unexperienced. i had never met a lesbian, not being aware of it. nor did i think i could be attracted to one. and i know i sound stupid, it’s not like lesbians are strange creatures like men love to believe, joke and fantasize about at the same time. i know now there were a few closeted ones back in high school, myself included.

it wasn’t long when i would surprise myself staring at her, getting speechless at certain questions or comments. the language difference or maybe her fucked up accent, was the perfect excuse. you see, spanish is my mother tongue. i did attended bilingual school my whole life because colonization but it was also true, at moments, i couldn’t understand a word she said so we learned to understand looks and smiles. mostly because of the two kids always holding my hands or trying to ride my back. we quickly then found ways to spend more time together. a movie, a stroll by the river, the wine store, “let’s fix this bike and go for a ride”. new york became more and more unexpected, i even forgot why i went in the first place. then christmas came, the coldest and emptiest christmas i’ve had. i saw my nephews open the gifts my sister gave them and the couple of movies my sister told me they liked so i bought. we watched them, my dad passed unto us the habit of almost always choose to watch something on tv when bonding feels like too much pressure. there’s literally nothing a good movie can’t fix. a movie and a glass of wine, or three. we watched enough for them to fall asleep and decided then to go see the night sky reflected on the river. the trees were naked and this time it was long sleeves plus a coat cold. we stood there contemplating water’s stillness. i almost held her hand, i felt the urge but contained myself. kept my sight straight to the water. then snow started to fall.

the first day after a snow fall is not as beautiful as you would think. you have to go out and clear your path, otherwise you could get stuck inside. i couldn’t stop thinking about the river and the stillness of the water and why i wanted to hold her hand? most of all, why the idea of holding her hand was so scary? those next few days, we spent watching her favorite movies, all scary but not as scary. although, my tolerance for those back then was low, this gave her the perfect excuse to playfully make a move and somehow end up on top of me. my heart pounded on my chest, so fast and hard i could hear it. she looked straight into my eyes and i could see a cloud of thoughts forming but her lips stayed sealed. she went back to her seat and i understood it all perfectly. the next day, by that same time a huge salty puddle would be putting some distance between us so i decided to be brave this time, count every second. i asked her to take me to the park, see the river since it would be covered in snow this time. a perfect scenery. the trees looked like sleeping giants inhabiting the whole park. it wasn’t cold enough for the water to be ice so there she was, gently kissing the snow resting on the rocks, shining like christmas lights.

i slowly moved towards her to get warm and she hugged me. it probably lasted less than a minute but it was just enough. 


— i don’t want you to leave. 


— i have no choice — i replied, honestly in the nicest way i could.

she still looked at me as if she didn’t believe me. i know under other circumstances, like if we had known each other for longer or if we were old lovers, she would’ve had every right to argue, because it was true, i was lying. there are always options, i could’ve found a way, nothing was waiting for me but at that moment i wasn’t willing to try. i still hadn’t figure out myself, how could i offer her anything? she looked at me straight into the eyes again, as if she was about to say something. 


— can i kiss you?


the question startled me. no one had ever asked me before and i had been kissed plenty. kisses just happened, right? that’s what every boy i met before her taught me. i don’t consider myself a shy person but it was my first time kissing a girl. not really the first time, but the first time i was ready to count. one would think there’s no difference between kissing a boy or a girl, after all, a mouth is a mouth. but there is a difference, a huge one. especially when you had been waiting to be kissed and not feel guilty your whole life.

her face was just in front of mine, she grabbed my chin and gently placed her lips on mine. i swear time stopped. and it wasn’t even because she was a good kisser. i honestly can’t remember now, but the feeling of being kissed for the first time while actually wanting to be kissed, entirely different. at that moment, i forgot everything. that i was leaving the very next day, that i was going back to a boring routine for some days and complete uncertainty for others. i was there, entirely present, feeling her arms around me, letting myself be caressed without shame or feeling like i had to pay in flesh for some attention. after telling the river all our secrets, we decided to go back. it was colder and darker, we walked in silence, holding hands like if we were holding on to life itself. we didn’t say anything else, i took a shower as i always do before going to bed. she made fun of me because it was cold but i’m from the caribbean, i can’t go to bed without taking a shower first. i had an early flight so i had to go to bed, i hate mornings, especially if i’m getting on a plane. that night i played our movie in my head, over and over. us by the river, me feeling free. i know i fell asleep with a smile on my face.

morning came. i had everything packed, i barely take stuff out of my luggage, only what i need, that way i make sure i never leave anything behind. my sister made me breakfast, i hugged my nephews as hard as i could, i knew it was probably going to be long before i could see them again. the roomie also woke up early that morning. we barely exchanged words, it was crowded. but the looks. i knew everything she was feeling, and i honestly hoped she knew i was kind of feeling it too. but my taxi was arriving, everything was ready for me to go. she helped me carry my bags, like the first day. i held her hand, said nothing. we looked at each other one last time, she closed the door and that was the last time i ever saw her.