It STILL Ain’t Pie

I have considered myself a feminist for the better part of my adult life. Hell, I was raised in a feminist household without even knowing it. There were no gender-assigned tasks beyond the fact that my father did the heavy yard work, but he also crocheted and baked bread and hung laundry on the clothesline. Prolly more often than my mother did. Mine was the only mother on our street who worked full time. Maybe the only one who worked outside the home at all.

Women (cis or trans) aren’t “better” than men (cis or trans) and men aren’t “better” than women. Though I will concede more women are emotionally evolved than many men, and young white men in groups scare me. I don’t cross the street to avoid a group of young black men, but I will for a pack of Dude Bros. In a heartbeat.

I am not trans because I hate men, or because I am fonder, on the whole, of women. People can all suck, they just do it in different ways, and men are indeed far more violent on the whole.

I simply am a woman. THIS kind of this woman. (Femme? You like that word better? Or shall I always use the qualifier, “trans?” Because I don’t care — truly.) In my full perception of myself, from the time I have solid memory, if I was ever “deluded” it was into believing that my anatomy determined my gender to be “male.” I thought the entire POINT of feminism was to end the fixation of categorizing folks based on their genitals. Remember?

I’m also not a gay man, traumatized or otherwise. Tried that one on for size, too. In fact, I’ve tried on all the “approved” identities in the quest to reassure myself that what I simply always knew, I really, really know — because the notion of certainty has been in question my entire life. That’s what we tend to do to trans and gender nonconforming people — we tell them they can’t possibly know their own minds. Nobody told me I was trans. Y’all showed me. I never expected the current pile of TERF bullshit to come from lesbians, or women at all for the matter, but here we are. I like to forget how often the marginalized do love to marginalize. Hurt people hurt people, but if they first heal themselves, they can also help heal other people. You’d think JK could afford the requisite therapy.

I’m not sure we can ever “adequately” convey the trans experience to people who refuse to understand us, or feel threatened by us, or just plain old hate us. And y’all don’t have to know me, but you should respect that I know myself. What happened to common decency, anyway? Y’all are the ones indecently defining us as sexual acts and sexual organs, insisting we aren’t fully, and simply, human beings.

As much as all humans want to be understood, maybe it’s just my lot in life that the majority of folks out there can never comprehend all this magic? (Insert Smiley face)

I somehow encapsulate male and female. If you’ve only ever experienced life as one of those things, you do get that that’s a little…less?

By at least half.

I’m being cheeky, but I have seen a great deal from “both” sides of this dirty coin, experienced life from “both” sides of the gender rules bullshit construct by virtue of being this situation, and maybe that makes me more? I am certain it doesn’t make me less.

In actuality we are all a glorious combination of the masculine and the feminine, in slightly different packaging.

We do a shit job of raising boys into men a good deal of the time. And the cis women who primarily raise them day in and out do not like to accept their role in promoting and perpetuating misogyny and the patriarchy. And, yet.

From one of my perspectives, we used to raise men to fill the needs of women. Strong, stoic, capable, steady. Earn the money. Hunt while I gather.

It’s a generalization for sure, but much of the bullshit that swirls about is generalization, so I’ll play along for a bit. I hope it goes without saying we have clearly raised cis women to fill the needs and capricious desires of cishet men.

We’ve been brutal in our raising of girls into women, for sure. But from over here, women were always allowed more expansive expressions of gender than men. And certainly more varied expressions of sexuality. I was over here being jealous of their freedom as I watched. Women have traditionally been the caregivers for raising girls, too. So… maybe men and women BOTH need to recognize their respective (historical and not so historical) roles in perpetuating misogyny and the patriarchy.

It bemuses me that some cis women claim to be feminists, yet feel so threatened by trans people. They look at terms like “people who menstruate” as an affront to them. This term is only meant to set a slightly bigger table. It is inclusive language to acknowledge that many trans men and some non binary folk EXIST and also menstruate. It’s not meant to erase anyone. Terms like this could improve healthcare for these folks, so I’m here for that. If there’s anything more degrading and poorly executed than women’s healthcare in America, it is trans healthcare. It’s getting better, but not nearly fast enough, and it’s being debated and legislated, too.

How can you at once NOT want to be defined by your genitalia and then INSIST you be defined by your genitalia, and see no sense of irony at all?

The issue is that these cis women aren’t actually seeking to affirm themselves, they are seeking to marginalize trans folk. You can do one without the other, but I suppose its less fun to make room than it is to evict.

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This article is going to come down to Mind Your Own Business, tend your own garden, and be proud of yourself without the need to fuck with others and drag them down. In case your are pressed for time, dear reader.

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I often turn to inelegant terms like “Oppression Olympics” or “Victim Olympics” because in our quests to be heard and understood either individually or on behalf of people like us, the conversation too often devolves into who has it the worst. And then sits there.

Once we’ve identified who has it the worst we still need to do the damn work that changes that situation. Sorting the layers of oppression and marginalization does little to call it the bullshit it is and work toward a kinder and more equitable society for all Humans. We are best served when we can distinguish our real enemies. HINT: They’re the ones legislating against YOUR rights and YOUR bodily autonomy. Focus THERE, I beg.

AOC recently pointed out the difference between our receptivity to Ukrainian refugees as contrasted with our apparent disdain for Syrian refugees. She ain’t wrong. We do not hold the same value for suffering black and brown folks that we reserve for suffering white folks, with whom “we” better identify.

I wish to hell we valued “all lives” the way we value white lives. Who are we protecting from CRT? Who are we protecting while banning books? Who are we protecting outlawing trans healthcare?

Little white kids, that’s who.

Of course, this nonsense doesn’t “protect” anyone at all — it raises myopic humans and angry young men who eventually have to catch up with the rest of the world or simmer in mom’s basement. At least until they arm their insecurities.

And just who are we “protecting” when natal women denigrate the existence of trans folk? NO ONE. Not even the white women yelling the loudest.

All of us or none of us. You can’t drill holes in just my end of the boat, friend.

Hell, HRC (Human Rights Campaign) for most of its existence has catered almost exclusively to White queers — primarily cis gay men. The banner says “All” but the actions are another matter.

Rich white trans folk have it far better than their siblings. Fact. Yet, when it comes to transphobia, (and homophobia) that is actually more ecumenical than other forms of prejudice. We get it not only from the outside, but quite often from within our own families. So it is different in that regard. Black families don’t abandon their own kids for being black, but they, like their white and brown counterparts, DO too often throw minor children to the curb for expressing their truth and coming out as LGBTQ+. We need to get to the heart of that on behalf of all children. If their lives matter, anyway.

It’s difficult for me to break these concepts down individually because they all point to one thing from my perspective: Humans have an obsessive need to Other. Making distinctions about other people when you hardly hold your self or your group to the same standards is just another way to separate, marginalize and denigrate others. It’s othering.

“You aren’t like us” generally means “you’re not as good/authentic/real/smart (or intentionally stupid) as us.” Oh Horseshit.

And the ones simply pointing out the shit are NOT and will NEVER be the ones creating the shit. Pointing to racism isn’t perpetuating racism. Perpetuating racism is perpetuating racism, FFS.

I don’t require your “acceptance” because how dare you think you have the right to “accept” that I exist in the first place?

Do you “accept” air?

Weather?

Sunshine?

“Trans” in the full glory of the word, is a naturally occurring facet of humanity.

Rare. Not wrong — Rare.

I was born left-handed. Rare.

I was born with red hair. Rare.

I was born with blue-gray eyes. Rare.

And I was born with womanly wiring and manly plumbing. Rare.

But I’m certainly not the first or last — we have existed for as long as humans have existed.

Some cultures even know (or did know, before colonization) enough to celebrate our rarity, rather than despise and fear it. (Because we’re fucking Magic.)

If you don’t choose me as a member of your little social club I hardly want to attend the meetings. This position does not extend to healthcare, commercial businesses, or services extended to the general public. We don’t have to be friends, but I will fight your attempts at discrimination.

The natural extension of the discrimination some mislabel as “religious freedom” is me having to travel four counties over to find a business, a doctor, a pharmacy or food store that doesn’t find me “icky” — and that’s the shit y’all have NO right to do.

Of course we will fight you. We have to. But you’re the ones who called the fight, not us.

As much as I do believe people have the capacity for great compassion, knowledge, wisdom, beauty and all the rest — many still choose to be shit.

I don’t care if you talk about me. I don’t care if you giggle. I don’t care if you avoid eye contact. You define yourself with every breath you take, and every bit of nonsense you allow yourself to speak. Your smallness doesn’t concern me until you make it my concern.

When you work to normalize bad behavior, elevate low education, and treat our world like a giant grade-school yard, I do take issue.

You Could mind your own business and go about your day as I go about mine.

Your insistence that there are only two genders, or that biology determines gender, or that one gender is inherently superior, is a thing you run around telling yourself to feel special. Because you aren’t, by virtue of your bits, any more special than any other bits-having human.

None of us are.

I choose to spend my time uplifting myself and others wherever I can. If you want to talk about that, I’m here all day. But if you need to tell me why you think you are somehow superior, by virtue of “biology” or gender alignment, I have far better things to do with my precious time.

If you need to try to convince me I am misguided, I have better things to do.

If you need to legitimize unfounded fears and straw man arguments by giving them light and air, that is all you.

Education (and note I didn’t say formal education or paper degrees) matters. A natural curiosity and desire to find facts is important to being a responsible adult citizen. Or go find yourself a cave, k?

Expertise matters. Even the COVID denying anti-vaxxers don’t head to their churches when things get bad, they go to hospitals. Where the experts are.

Respecting the rights of people unfamiliar to you, matters. Note I didn’t say accepting or tolerating. One “tolerates” a blister.

Language, and the proper and common use of it — matters. Turning words upside down has been a religious and Republican pastime for at least the last 40 years, and it is exhausting. The republicans I grew up around were far more likely to espouse, “say what you mean and mean what you say.” Goddess, I miss them.

Love matters. Perhaps above all else. And it is heartbreaking to see folks “love” a Jesus they’ve reconstructed but never met-met above even the children they bore because they don’t “agree” with them being LGBTQ+.

Again, do you “agree” with Rain?

Think of us like rain.

We are real, vital and necessary if sometimes a pain in the ass. Deal.

“Define” us all you want — we keep happening, and there’s nothing wrong with us beyond our weariness of navigating you.

Many of you are busy exerting your “genetic superiority” or insisting on my inferiority — its all the same from over here, and it all sucks.

Be better.

START by minding your OWN business, tending to your OWN family as they are, not as you are, and maybe exhibit some Love in its very best, most inclusive sense. Because that truly matters — and it ain’t PIE!

With Love, inclusivity, human decency, and any other expansive way to see this world, the more you share, the more there actually is.

Peace, Lovelies

- MM