I Am Who I Am and I Am Who I Was and I Am Who I Will Always Be

Great old Emrys said such a line just to confuse the guards but honestly what truer words ever been spoken and if you don't understand the reference I highly suggest you watch Merlin, it's on Netflix. But, let me continue on with that and tell you how I take that statement and apply it to my everyday life. Growing up always feeling a little different from the rest of the pack I learned two things; like a chameleon, you can either learn to camouflage yourself to appear and behave like what society says is pink and blue or you can open up your feathers like a peacock and walk proudly. I was born in the late 90’s so just like any time before 2012 I’d say work still needed to be done, however, I was a stubborn child so I did both which sounds counter-intuitive but it’s not.

Grasping the ropes of my childhood goes pretty easy with distractions. Depending on the kids you meet you're either accepted for "weirdness" or not at all. In my experience, the girls thought I was weird and the boys didn’t which in all honesty didn’t surprise me. I liked playing ball with the boys and at home, I played with my barbies it’s almost like I had subconsciously separated myself from girls altogether except for the select few and from behaving “girly” in front of the boys. Kind of like I wanted to appeal to both sides of me but directly with the “blues” and keeping the “pinks” to myself as if I was rejecting it or just staying on the lane I liked the most. This was the way I blended in with the crowd at least up until middle school where I desperately tried to get back in the girl's circle and kept my distance from the boys which I can only assume happened from me growing little tata's and having in interest in other girls tata's. An interest I have always had since the age of four, Austin Powers.

Teenage years oh what a joy to behold where I didn’t want to blend in anymore but didn’t know where I stood so I was stuck in the middle. Not that it was a bad thing but I just lost myself by being one person then blocking out the other. I had plenty of supportive friends and part of the rainbow spectrum just like I was but I never knew where I stood so I never sought out advice; I mimicked and learned my way through all my Y/A novels I was obsessed which I now have to clean out because a lot of them are problematic but yeah, I was a teen I didn't know better, either way, it wasn't really the best thing for advice either. If could go back in time I'd tell my poorly guided younger confused self that those books don't have the answers, that you can't go around playing a small smidgen of the character from your latest read just to see what clicks. Especially when you don't know who you're trying to be anymore. As cliche as this sounds let people be your experience, live your life by the rules of your lane not what's just pink or blue. Be true to who you are and accept the many and messy changes that will present themselves to you along the way, you'll be grateful for it, trust me.

I accepted my fate long ago that I am too clumsy to be a peacock but, I have mastered the art of being a chameleon and that became the biggest contributor to my growth. In a world with people who sneers at those who are content with who they are I'd like to see that same progression with them as we see in the LGTBQ+ community. I want to see people confident with themselves, with their life, to be less hateful of what they don’t understand. I want to see people conversing about their differences with an open mind, I’m a simple person, I don't ask for much.

We queers have made so many strides and successes and being that I've only been out for two years there is still so much that I don't know about. Being a part of this community is such a pleasure. To see/read all the stories and how they were overcome to be stronger happier people is such a big feat! Even the smallest of successes mean a great deal and we can only continue to go up!