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Growing up Gay

Why did I have it easier than most?

By John BarlowPublished 3 years ago 6 min read
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I have always wondered why I never had any problems with my sexual orientation. When I was about 8 years old I started noticing that i was different. At first I didn't pay much attention really. I thought girls had cooties and didn't want much to do with them. During recess my routine was playing soccer or whatever game was being played. I did boy things and always hung around my guy friends. But one day I over heard my aunts talking about how they think I was going to be gay. I had a vague ideas as to what gay meant but did not fully understand what that meant. So me being me walked into the middle of them and asked why they were saying that. They told me it was because I was showing gay tendencies. Which in short was for the way I talked. Which now being older I still don't like to hear myself talk on a recording or video. But back to my point, I knew I was different and when I was around 11 years old i had figured out I liked guys. I was just starting out in middle school around this time. Now growing up with my family was like any other family for the most part. My mom and dad split when i was still in diapers so I did not get to meet my mother until much later in life. My dad and grandma raised me for the majority of my childhood. I had a few stepmoms throughout the years but naturally they never stayed long. The main reason for that was my dad liked the sauce a little too much. His choice was whisky or Bud Light.

Many times i wondered how I was going to come out to my family and what the results of that would be. Would they hate me and disown me or throw me out on the streets? So I never told anyone except my close friends. Even then I still had no bad experiences during middle school or even high school to be honest. During high school I had many friends. I was not considered a popular kid or jock but in a small town where the kids in my school we had been together since first grade so everyone knew one another. I only had a select few I considered my friends but was friendly and respectful to everyone. I guess it is just my personality or how I treat people is why I got along with everyone. Or maybe the fact that I was born on a cusp which I'm a Virgo-Libra. Which for a guy turns out to be a good thing. But eventually the time came when I had met my Matt who ended up being my first love. I was in my senior year and just turned 18. He was 22. So after a few months of us dating I naturally wanted him to meet my family. So here is where I finally decided to come out. It was not the ideal setting and maybe I could have done it a little better but I didn't. One evening I was at home and Matt asked me to come stay the night. I had to let my grandma know where i was going because I still lived under her roof. So after taking a few swigs of vodka I worked up the nerve to tell her. She was in her room playing her computer game Solitary. Now mind you she was very religious and didn't care for gay people. She was what you call "old fashion". She used another term for it but I'm not going to repeat it. So I walked into her room and said, "Grandma I need to tell you something...I am gay...I have a boyfriend...and I'm going to go stay the night with him." She turned and looked at me with that look that you know you said something your not supposed to. She then said after what felt like forever, " Your not gay. Its just a phase and God doesn't like Fags." "No grandson of mine is going to suck cock for a living". I said, "Grandma I'm not going to be doing that for a living I'm not a slut and how can you say that I'm not?" "Your not feeling the feelings I have and have had for years now". She turned away and didn't say another word. So I went ahead with my plans and went to his house. I briefly told Matt what she said and he did not like it any more than I did. But It was just how she was. So the next morning she came to pick me up to take me to meet my dad so I could pickup my car from the shop. This being the first time she and Matt met. I opened the door to get in and he put out his hand to give her a handshake and she without looking at him shook his hand then preceded to wipe her hands on her pant leg. At that moment my heart sank and filled up with so much anger. I looked at him and mouthed "I'm so so sorry she just did that". He being the great guy he was told me to not worry about it. The car ride was a quite one to say the least.

Fast forward to today my dad, grandma, and Matt have all passed away and are no longer here. My dad did not freak when I told him. He was like I already knew as well did my aunts. My grandma was the only one to have any issues with it, but in the years that followed she eventually accepted the truth that I was gay and there is not changing it. I think we even became closer. I do miss them all so much and would not trade a moment that I had with them. So I like to think that the reason I was blessed to have an understanding family and to this day have still not had a bad experience for being gay. I'm very thankful and blessed. But my heart breaks for the ones not so lucky and don't have the support system like I did. So I hope by me sharing a quick run through of my life and experiences that just maybe this might help someone or give someone the strength to face their fears and just be themselves and love them self for who they are. We only have one life and its very short in the grander scale of time. So love yourself and be true to yourself because no one else will or can do it for you. Smile and be happy for what you have. Thank you for reading my story and feel free to leave a reply or comment if you want.

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About the Creator

John Barlow

I'm 31 and live in Oklahoma. I currently attend college to get my degree in Business Admin. I have lived in Oklahoma my entire life. My husband is a retired Army Vet and we have 3 dogs. My friends say I'm outgoing but also tend to be an ass

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