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Cowboy Boots in the Closet

Engineering your authentic self one step at a time

By Aly JensenPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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I grew up in a rural southeastern Ontario town - the kind of town that inspired popular country songs and girls like me to wish for a pair of cowboy boots for Christmas instead of the latest trendy clothes or gadgets. The farm roots ran so deep that it was high school tradition to celebrate graduation in October because June was just too busy for the farmers to take time off to celebrate. Unsurprisingly, I was a hard-working girl from a large family that was barely getting by, where grilled cheese and canned soup were staples leading up to mom's bi-weekly pay day.

Throughout elementary and high school, I took a special interest in science and trying to figure out how things worked. So, also on my Christmas list was a remote-controlled car so that I could take it apart and put it back together again, and a box of K'nex so that I could build anything my imagination dreamed. Naturally, after working my tail off throughout high school, I earned myself some decent scholarships to a reputable engineering program at the nearby university town. Being the first one in my immediate family to attend university, I felt so proud, and definitely had to go!

Everyone insisted that I get a dorm room in residence instead of living at home because it was vital to be on-campus for your first year: that's how you learned the ins and outs of university life and got to go to all the parties that wind up on the front page of the local newspaper! There was only one problem. You know those country songs that talk about small towns, back roads, and falling in love with a woman? Well, I had fallen in love with a woman in my last year of high school.

Yes, me.

A girl.

Fell in love with another girl.

And that was unheard of in our small town. And not well-represented in the bigger town where I attended university either.

So we didn't tell anyone. We snuck around and pretended to “just be friends” to the those with an untrained eye. And all of those cool university parties? I never attended a single one. Instead, I spent every weekend going home to spend time with her. I spent evenings going to the movies with her instead of getting together with classmates to work on assignments. And you know what the worst part was? There wasn't a single person who I met at university who I felt comfortable sharing what I actually did on the weekend, or why I was late getting to class that morning. It was bad enough that I walked around campus in my cowboy boots, came from a rural school with no fancy AP or IB math classes, and I drove an economical Saturn instead of an Audi or BMW - heaven forbid! Imagine what a freak I would have been if they knew that I was also a lesbian?!

Also a lesbian. The shame ate at me like a relentless gypsy caterpillar, and settled deep into the pit of my stomach.

It felt like other students stared at me because I was different, I was hiding something. Did they know who I was texting with? Who I was meeting after class? It definitely felt like it! When we met up on campus to grab a bite to eat, I couldn't help but wonder if their gay-dars were picking up on our connection, or they were just staring at my boots. But I guess I will never know!

My name is Aly. And I am human, I am an engineer, and I am also a lesbian. But not a single classmate knew that when I graduated. I attended graduation wearing my cowboy boots, with a boyfriend in tow, because I was still trapped in the closet.

Interestingly enough, after working as an engineer for almost eight years, I got a job back at said university. Most people are proud to get a job at their alma mater and cannot wait to share how great their experiences were, but I was there for a different reason. It is part of my role to make sure that equity, diversity, and inclusivity are integrated of our curricula and campus life. And there is even a student group called Engiqueers! Times really have changed and I am sad for my former self who desperately needed an organization like Engiqueers to help me realize and accept my authentic self back then.

But do you want to know the best part? Now when my girlfriend drops me off at work, I kiss her goodbye without an ounce of shame or hesitation. I eventually grew up, I eventually came out of the closet, and now I am finally living my life authentically.

Happy Pride Month Everyone!

Pride Month
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About the Creator

Aly Jensen

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