Building a Better Ally

Hey, Vocal Community.

There are a few days left to June, so I feel like it should be safe to come right out and say this (that; and I, nor anyone else, should ever have to feel ashamed or afraid of a calendar date to speak the truth of their experience).

I've made the wrong remarks/"meh; just jokes" in the past.

I've sneered/glared at people over the audacity of being a little different from me.

I have felt fear; either rational or, mostly, irrational (there were instances where it was far more rational; but that shouldn't be used as the measuring stick to judge)...

I've misused Scripture to pinpoint the shortcomings of OTHERS (whilst, conveniently, turning a blind eye to my own).

I've lost my place where it is not my place to judge anyone except myself.

I need help; I need to change.

I need to speak the truth of my lived experience (and here in June, no less).

I need to...

"...Be a Better Ally."

...Not where you thought that I was going with this article where I had something to reveal?

I do apologize for being misleading (and I'm not taking anything away from Pride Month; nor making light of the struggles of the LGBTQ+ community).

I do have some work to do and let it begin with...

EDUCATE

Google/Research about the fight for basic human rights for the LGBTQ+ people.

Read up on modern day icons.

Bone up on SUCCESSFUL "allies and advocates" for basic human dignity for our marginalized groups.

Expand my circle of friends to include MORE marginalized people (then respect them as friends, "family" [of friends], and basic people; NOT reduce them to the "one gay friend/couple/coworker/neighbor/person in the community/etc."). RESPECT begins with regarding those whom you see as friends and family as PEOPLE. GENTLY ask them about their lives (not in an uncomfortable, probing manner).

Use cinematic biopics (and cross-reference them with the lives of the REAL people. Once again, "Google," used correctly, can be your friend).

Who knows; with a little research about the struggle, I might one day even effectively incorporate a proper fictional character striving for acceptance and equality into a broader and larger narrative...

SOME "MEH, JUST-JOKES" ARE NOT OKAY FROM OUTSIDE OF THE COMMUNITY

"Damien; Too Gay to Function." (Janice Ian)

(Damien kind of giggles and shrugs his approval of how his close friend just described him to the new girl).

(Later upon reading the "Burn Book")

D: "...TOO GAY TO FUNCTION???"

I: "...Hey; that's only cool when I say it!"

Most of you know "Mean Girls" by now. No; Janice Ian was NOT hatefully dismissive of the LGBTQ+ community (see also "Regina George's dead wrong ASSUMPTION about her character.") I do have a suspicion that, at some point along a long-lasting friendship, Janice got PERMISSION to discuss Damien's sexuality as crudely as teenagers are wont to discuss it; in confidence, of course, and it they already felt so comfortable with Cady when FIRST MEETING HER, then that's awesome for Cady and she just met some true friends. But this isn't about her; or Janice for that matter...

"Close-Straight-Friend:" "Joking about my buddy's sexuality/sexual orientation is ONLY COOL when I say it!"

I don't know about that. (Either way, when Cady turned right around and recited that in front of Regina and the rest of her "new friends" in The Plastics...yeah; THAT was the major error to end all social errors).

Providing that you have the offending party's permission to say something like that, yeah, I guess that's "cool." But some "jokes" are only acceptable in self-deprecation and NEVER from an outside source.

Leave the fat jokes to me (only EVER talking about myself), or the jokes about my own frustrations with finances, housing, lack of license, and singleness to me (again, providing that I am the target of my so-called "humor"). But there ARE some "oh; they're just (gay/lesbian) JOKES" that should really be cleared with close friends or family in the LGBTQ+ community at least; and LEFT up to THEM to say at best.

(For more examples of "oh, lol; they're just jokes" in cinema, I give you Adam Sandler and Kevin Smith's "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry." I personally still think that Sandler is hilarious and STILL tend to like even his newer projects. That being said, "...Chuck and Larry" needs to be treated as a buddy-comedy in going above-and-beyond the call of duty to help a friend; it shouldn't be viewed through the lens of how to treat the LGBTQ+ community ANYWHERE outside of cinematic caricatures [In some cases, the "comedic" caricatures cross the line too; even for, obviously, a fictional comedy).

THE CROSS THAT I BEAR.

"I disagree with the LGBTQ+ Community because it says in the Good Book..."

...Fine; that's why I happen to be straight (as the least of my worries; see also what Scripture says about "lust," "ANY impurity/immodesty," "pursuing ANY fleshly [Earthly] desires," etc.).

...and that's why there's repentance/pennance.

If I'm going to use my faith to drive my life, it's MY business. My faith does NOT apply to every single individual whom I choose to make time to visit with; and it certainly doesn't dictate how complete strangers act in my presence.

By the way, THE greatest commandment out of ALL is simply "to LOVE."

A sincere love should begin with TOLERANCE/ACCEPTANCE (of fellow human beings; not always agreement with how they live their lives. Because, if a person's life is not DIRECTLY harming my own, who am I to behave otherwise; ESPECIALLY if we're talking about a person whom I've gotten to know)?

FEAR

I spoke of irrational fear before (and maybe ONE circumstance of rational discomfort/awkwardness).

To wit...

"Oh, no; what if someone who's GAY were to HIT ON ME???"

Rational response (albeit as politely as possible) "Oh; I'm straight."

...and I would still BE straight.

No; the simple awkwardness of being asked out by a member of the LGBTQ+ community would not change/impact me any more than the several women I've asked out/confessed feelings for all of a sudden changed their hearts when it came to the thought of me and reciprocated my feelings.

Onto the event of slightly more "rational" discomfort/awkwardness...

It was October of 2004 and the local music hall/theater venue was holding a Halloween get-together. I already knew a couple of people in attendance and had said my hellos before heading in.

Inside seemed fairly packed with other young adults. Then, across the room, I saw her. My eyes met her and, being me, I awkwardly and obviously gawked.

Eventually, I made my way across the room and she, obviously having noticed me too, invited me to dance.

Her idea of "dancing" was a bit too forward for my personal comfort; then I heard her name and her speaking voice. To wit, I was rescued from the stage because one of my friends whom I had mentioned earlier had seen what was happening, had apparently already dealt with my new dance partner earlier in the evening, and moved in to peel me out of an awkward situation.

20 year old eyeballs that weren't very well helped out by glasses had just encountered either a pair of fully-transitioned lesbians at best (oh, yeah; she had a girlfriend too; and the voice and name finished giving her away for me) or, at the very worst, these were transvestites abusing the idea of Halloween shenanigans.

...No; if it even needs to be said, not every single member of the LGBTQ+ community is going to behave so forwardly (least of all towards me). And, to go by my first reaction upon registering "moderately attractive female biped" from across the room, am I so much better as a straight guy? (In speaking of uncomfortably awkward, great; I now know what I could have very well put WOMEN through upon first noticing them/attempting a conversation/trying to be a friend/etc.).

Besides, I now have an awkward memory to share.

CONCLUDING...

Have I said the wrong things/made the wrong assumptions in the past?

Have I misused my religion to chide someone ELSE's behavior/life?

Have I sneered n' leered out of disdain?

Have I felt irrational TERROR before...?

Am I trying to be a better human being...?

Can you tell that I've been through Confession too many times (oh; and that I'm my own harshest critic)?

I want to be a better ally and advocate for the equality of treating people with basic human dignity. (And, if such an individual happens to be from the LGBTQ+ community, I'll get to know them beyond their sexual orientation, and if there's something to admire about them as a person, I'll start there).

No; my allianceship/level of advocacy can not be "I know one gay friend/couple; I met one woman in college who later came out as lesbian; I have a gay neighbor/coworker; well, there was that one really awkward experience nearly 20 years ago..."

I am a much harsher judge on myself than to let that slide; if I am going to do better, I'm going to be ALL-IN; a straight, cisgendered, Christian white guy trying to do a little better with allianceship/advocacy

That's where I could use a little help.

If I say/do something (and you know me well enough to feel comfortable with the next part...), say something (I only ask that this not, necessarily, be in a "scene-making" way. When it comes to being awkwardly, publicly berated, one side; NO ONE is better at doing that to me than I am).

If I get too caught up in the stilted antics of a comedy/sitcom, gently remind me that that's not always the case (In reality, the LGBTQ+ community are still our family/neighbors/friends/coworkers/fellow human beings, they are NOT actually gross, stilted caricatures meant for canned laugh tracks).

Above all else, becoming a better ally/advocate for basic dignified and respectful treatment is not grounds for turning in my "straight" card; at the end of the day, I'm still going to be straight, cisgendered, and pursuing a broader circle of friends, along with that first relationship.

At the end of the day, the LGBTQ+ community is still filled with our Brothers and Sisters in Humanity; and they deserve to be treated with at least as much dignity, respect, and acceptance (as people; there is a fine line between agreeing with a lifestyle and simply treating a person with the care and respect that they deserve).

Oh; and if YOU'RE looking to grow, evolve, and change to become a better Ally/Advocate for Dignity, Respect, Human Rights, and Equality, that's great too. Thank you for your honest self-reflection. Just turn to a better coach/guide than myself; I'm learning too...