A Love Letter to the Trans Community

Is it appropriate to begin a love letter with an apology?

You see, as recently as just a few years ago, I was somewhat resistant to the idea that people could identify as a gender other than what was assigned them at birth. I was a bad, privileged gay: I was born male, I fit nicely into my male skin, and so I believed everyone else should be proud to identify as their birth gender.

Being trans was even something of a joke to me.

I’m reminded of the “it’s ma’am” video from years back. To summarize, it's a clip showing grossly out-of-line consumer rage from a paying customer towards a GameStop employee.

This customer happens to be a trans woman who is misgendered multiple times throughout the video. Unfortunately, what could have been a teaching moment turns into an outburst that has her kicking over shop displays after threatening a young, minimum wage worker.

This exchange sent shockwaves through social media.

It was a viral meme; it was a joke at the expense of the transgender community. A joke I was all-too-happy to participate in.

I’m not proud of this fact, but I won’t hide it, either.

In the case of this individual’s interactions with a GameStop employee, what we saw was a shameful, emotionally incontinent tantrum from someone who wanted to be recognized for who she is.

What we did not see was a man in outrage, but a woman.

This distinction is extremely important. And it was a distinction that got lost in so much noise.

My mistake was allowing the spectacle of this woman to override her personhood. I joked about her appearance, her behavior. I then went on to view the larger trans community through the lens of this one person. They collectively suffered for my stupidity.

It goes without saying that I was a bit of an asshole to a highly marginalized group of people.

As a gay man, I recall that it was not too long ago in my own life that homosexual men were the butt of all jokes. We were ridiculed: being ‘gay’ was synonymous with ‘bad,’ ‘unfair,’ ‘stupid.’ The unfortunate truth about this kind of language is that it makes way for actual violence against the minorities it targets. I’ve always hated hypocrites, but never stopped to think that perhaps I was the worst of them.

Saying all this, I am deeply, unpardonably sorry for the jokes, the incredulity, the condescension towards trans individuals. I realize this was never an experience meant for me, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t something I can grow from.

I want to assure you who are not cisgendered that I am 100% behind you.

Why is it important to support trans individuals?

At its most fundamental level, affirming the gender identity of trans and non-binary individuals preserves their right to self-determination.

But on a human level, it’s the right thing to do.

Unfortunately, denying an individual’s right to identify their own gender can have fatal consequences.

Case in point: the University of Melbourne estimates that nearly half of all transgendered Australians have attempted suicide. The Human Rights Campaign has recorded 44 murders of trans individuals in the US in 2020 alone. In 2021, we have already seen 34 of these.

These statistics should be horripilating.

The issue that transgender communities face today is not unlike the issues of civil rights movements of the past: their right to exist and to be seen is under threat. It was not always possible for interracial couples to go public with their relationship, or for two men or two women to announce their engagement. We should use these past stigmas and the violence they inspired as a rallying point in our defense of the trans community.

We’re seeing new trans-apologists pass the lukewarm “if it doesn’t have anything to do with me, who am I to judge?” of yesteryear. This has echoes of the creaking wheels of past social movements, but it is simply not enough.

We need to be louder than the opposition.

How can I help?

The good and bad news is that there is a lot that can still be done to shift the layman’s paradigm of gender identity.

Be vocal.

This one is most obvious, but if your friends joke about misgendering someone, shut it down. It’s not funny, it’s not harmless, and it’s not cool. Always be quicker to educate than to attack.

When in doubt, ask.

If you’re unsure of someone’s gender identity, you should simply ask for their pronouns. Be mindful that not every trans individual transitions in the same way or at the same pace, so it’s better to defer to their experience on this one.

–But be careful with what you ask.

Ultimately, the decision to share information about their transgender experience is theirs alone. As a rule of thumb, if a question has anything to do with their sex life, don’t ask it unless you have been given express permission to do so. Do not ask for their deadname – that is, the name on their birth certificate.

Take the issue up with schools and government.

Demand change from those in power. Join marches, write your leaders, and petition schoolboards for changes to sexual education. Vote for candidates who oppose discriminatory laws and get involved in the voting process.

Defend unpopular transpeople.

Tiffany Michelle Moore and Caitlyn Jenner come easiest to mind on this one. I do not agree with their methods or philosophies, but this does not invalidate who they have determined themselves to be. Be careful in your language when speaking of individuals like these and make sure that other commentators are not conflating their poor judgment with their gender identity.

Be willing to grow.

The trans narrative is constantly evolving, and so should you. Have an open mind and a willingness to change your language to reflect new social norms. Sensitivity to gender identity is a virtue, not a weakness.

Most importantly, give them safety.

Trans people are an extraordinarily marginalized community who need allies. But don’t misunderstand me – these people are not weak. Lend your strength to theirs, give them a place to express themselves, and march alongside them in the streets of discrimination. Their only chance is through alliance with cisgendered individuals.

Finally, I want to express my adoration for all of you no matter your identity.

The rawness and sincerity of your love never fails to astound me. You are some of the kindest people I have ever met precisely because you’ve suffered so much. The overwhelming positivity in the face of hatred is a lesson for all of us, and I’m a better person for it. I'm humbled to know you.

Your bravery is inspirational. I remember a time when the world told me I was something I was not, and so I hid who I am from it. But so many of you wear your truth on your face; I hope that you can find it in you to do so with pride. Show the world who you are and everyone else will follow.

And for those of you who are struggling with your identity: I want you to know that for every person in your life who believes you are wrong for who you are, there are thousands more out there who love you without knowing you. People come and go, but love is forever.

Reach out, don’t be afraid; I am behind you and so are many millions.

You are kind; you are brave; and you are loved.

With all my jellybeans,

Justin