7 Things You Should NOT Say to a Member of the LGBTQ+ Community

There are many things someone might say to a person after finding out that they are a member of the LGBTQ+ community. The best response to someone coming out to you would be to thank them for letting you know, express gratitude that they were comfortable enough to tell you, and show you support. However, there are few things that you should not say to someone telling you that they are a member of the LGBTQ+ community. Even if they may seem like nice things to say, certain responses are actually microaggressions.

1. "You don't seem [insert identity here]."

Many people will say things like "you don't look transgender" or "you don't seem gay" as a compliment. In certain contexts, that could be a nice thing to say (for example, if someone who is trans is passing as their gender identity fairly well, but even that's on thin ice). However, saying this implies that there is a stereotypical type of person who is gay, bi, trans, etc. People in the LGBTQ+ come in a variety of personalities, attributes, appearances, and more.

Depending on the person, saying the opposite of this (aka "I knew it!") would not be a great response either. It implies that the identity they were trying to keep a secret was not much of a secret. Again, this depends on the person.

2. "Why did you choose to be [insert identity here]?"

Being gay, trans, bi, etc. is not a choice. Our sexual orientations are scientifically proven to depend on our genetics and environment. Here are links to two scholarly articles about this, and feel free to research on your own even further: Link One. Link Two.

When you say this, you are implying that the person coming out quite literally, chose to be that identity. Because these identities carry the weight of years of oppression and the concept of homophobia/transphobia, you are implying that they are choosing to experience discrimination. This is not something you want to say to someone who is confiding a huge secret to you.

Perhaps, the proper response would be to first, of course, thank them for telling you and show your support. Then, ask them to tell you about how they found out. Doing this will show you truly support them. Some people, however, may be uncomfortable talking about it. Don't forget to be mindful.

3. "Are you attracted to me?"

This one is specifically for moments where someone is coming out as gay to you, in a situation where you are both the same gender. Never ask this. First, it is insensitive to assume that just because someone is attracted to the gender you are that they are attracted to you. Second, the person just came out to you and that is a huge secret already. If they actually did have a crush on you, they would be likely to be scared to tell you so let them come to you with that information.

If a heterosexual (straight) person is not attracted to all of their peers of the opposite gender, then why would a gay person be attracted to all of their peers of the same gender?

4. "Are you the girl or guy of the relationship?"

This one is also for people who are coming out as gay to you. If they are in a relationship, do not ask this. By asking this, you are not only being homophobic, but also sexist. Asking this implies gender roles are being assigned to each member of the relationship. Secondly, if the relationship is a gay relationship, there isn't a guy and a girl. There are two people of the same gender.

If you're asking this in a sexual way, that is extremely invasive. On that note, avoid asking any sexual questions to anyone who comes out to you, as that is their business. They will share what they want with you, and if they even want to share that with you, will come to you first.

5. "Omg I love [insert celebrity of that identity here]!"

No, no, no, no, no, no! Although you may seem like you are trying to relate to your friend who has just come out to you, doing this displays laziness as the celebrity is irrelevant to the person coming out to you. Yes, they came out as a trans man to you. Yes, they know who Elliot Page is. Saying this also shows a lack of education with the topic. Instead, allow them to tell you about their experiences. Show your willingness to learn instead of bringing up a celebrity in an attempt to relate.

6. "My friend is also [insert identity here]! I bet you two would get along!"

Just because two of your friends share the same identity doesn't mean they'd get along just based on that. If you know that your friends actually do have a lot of common interests, then this would be better (but not great) to say. However, assuming that two people would get along based on an identity is insensitive. Just like how not every straight person gets along, not every gay or trans person will along just because of the shared identity.

7. "I'm confused. I thought you told me you were [insert identity] and now you're changing it. That's too confusing, I'm just going to use what you were using before."

It is extremely hard to figure out your identity. Someone may have to come out to you multiple times as different things, as they are trying to figure out who they are. If someone updates their pronouns, do not use their old pronouns because that is how they used to identify. Allow them some respect to help them find who they truly are.

Final Thoughts

Respect is key. Hopefully, if you ever get in this situation, you will keep these tips in mind to ensure your friend is comforted during a hard time.

Here is an article with even more of these things NOT to say, if you'd like more.

Here is an article listing the best way to respond to someone coming out to you.

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