The Stoner Commandments

In winter 2022, before starting a new job that had been promised to start in August, but hey, sometimes these things happen, I visited a dear friend in Whistler B.C.. I claim that I had not seen this friend in ages would be untrue, I had been out that way just the summer before, but this time was different. This time I was going skiing.

It was awesome. Life changing. All that and a bag of chip… mmm… chips. But that’s not what you’re here for.

After a good night on the slopes and a truly excellent dinner, we returned to our hotel and lit up a little bit of the old mary Jane. After beating me spectacularly at chess, my friend Nick stood up and said, “the Stoner Commandments!”

In awe of his sudden action and rendered completely couch-locked, I listened as he began to preach his new religion. Almost had me converted too, the charismatic bugger.

So, imagine you’re me. The tolerance of a gold fish, smoking with a veteran, listening to him say, with full confidence mind you, the following. Please enjoy.

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Commandment One: Water

The Stoner once said, “before starting your sesh, ensure that the place you will wind up has enough water. Cotton Mouth is a terrible curse, and your stoned ass is going to forget, and you will suffer for it.”

Commandment Two: Time

The Stoner once said, “there is a time and a place to get high, and there is a length of time between the hit and the impact. Make sure you understand when, where, and for how long to sesh. Otherwise, you’ll green out at a family dinner and that's just unpleasant for everyone. No I'm not speaking from experience why do you ask?”

Commandment Three: Baby Stoners

The Stoner once said, “you’ve got experience, great! But your friend there? He doesn’t know what he’s doing, just jook after him, take care of your baby stoners, they’re our future and a lot of fun to watch. If you have a baby stoner, they're always good for a laugh, especially when you're high.”

Commandment Four: Food

The Stoner once said, “nothing in this life is better than a snack when you’re stoned. I remember discovering buttered toast with honey, thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Of course, getting fat is ass, so make sure that all the good stuff is hidden before you start. Stoned you is an idiot, will forget where you put it, and will go for the easy targets.”

Commandment Five: Media

The Stoner once said, “a sesh is supposed to be fun, embrace that. If you have something - movies, T.V. shows, video games - that you loved when you were a kid crack them out. For a few hours you'll forget that you're old now and just enjoy the ride like it's Saturday and you're thirteen again.”

Commandment Six: No photos, only memories

The Stoner once said, “getting high is about the now not the past. Leave the phones aside and embrace the moment. Live in the now, because your brain is not working properly enough to do anything else. Post nothing on social media. Ever.”

Commandment Seven: Differences among friends

The Stoner once said, “every person is different, every joint is unique from any other, every time is special. Know that not all highs are created equal. Not everyone can handle as much as you and that's ok. Funny even. Never drive high.”

Commandment Eight: Space

The Stoner once said, “make certain your space is clear. Clean is subjective, filth is not. If your space is bad, your mind is bad, your trip is bad, and if you can’t rely on a relaxing sesh, then life is bad.”

Commandment Nine: Goals

The Stoner once said, “getting high to live and living to get high are both bad in the own way, but the former at least gets you out of the house. Have goals and stick to them, don’t lose sight of what's important in the haze.”

Commandment Ten: Life

The Stoner once said, “at the end of every sesh is a life that needs to be led. Work to do, friends to see, experiences to have. Time on the cloud is something to cherish. Life on the ground, is something to relish.”

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So there you have it, the stoner commandments. Learn them. Live them. Love them.