How weed helped me fix my character flaws

Having smoked marijuana or wax daily for the better part of 12 years now (I’m 29), I thought I’d experienced everything I had to with weed and wax by now. It kickstarted my appetite in the morning, paired well with coffee and got my creative juices flowing in the morning or late at night. Smoking before doing weight lifting allowed me to focus better. Going to the movies high made the film that much more immersive. Safe to say doing anything high, was the norm for me. I couldn’t imagine what doing anything not high was like. There came a point where I didn’t necessarily got bored of it, but just knew what to expect. As I was getting accustomed to doing everything high, I’d start to notice some of my friends were beginning to quit and take a break. I figured they probably got bored of it. But when I’d ask why they’re quitting, I would get a very common answer “anxiety”. A lot of people were getting anxiety when they were high.

This was a surprise to me because I thought people smoked to get rid of anxiety but apparently now weed was causing it. “Can’t relate” I thought to myself. Until, I realized that every time I smoked for the first time in the day I’d get a huge sense of fear and anxiety over me, only I didn’t consider it anxiety or fear, I thought that was the feeling that was supposed to come with weed.

Growing up weed was frowned upon by my family and I could see why, maybe on top of it being a drug they aren’t familiar with, it’s also the fact that I was still a kid basically and doing a drug at such a young age (started smoking at 14 ). I can’t blame them I wouldn’t approve of any kid smoking or doing any drugs that age either so it’s understandable. I’m telling you this because this is when my relationship with weed started and where I began to associate certain feelings with it. Because I knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing it, I’d smoke and get a wave of fear and guilt over me. If I had to be around family high I’d be paranoid of course. So for the better part of my early years with weed, it was always associated with the feeling of fear anxiety and paranoia. I always dreamed of a time where I could get high to my hearts content and not have to feel any guilt about it.

Fast forward to now, weed is legal, there’s wax pens, CBD gummies , access to weed has never been so easy as it is now in California. I now work as a grower, and my job allows me to get high, at work ! I’m living the stoners dream to be honest. So now that I can get high without any guilt or negative outcome from it, why was I still overcome with fear and anxiety or paranoia when I smoked ? This is when my relationship with weed finally came into question. Did I like the fear and anxiety that came with it ? I definitely did, but why ? And where did the basis for this fear and anxiety come from ? It wasn’t like I was getting so stoned I’d trip myself out thinking of some impending doom or faced with my own mortality. I knew it wasn’t anything like that. So what was I afraid of or why would I be paranoid if it’s okay now ?

I realized that the fear and anxiety was based out of my own character flaws and insecurities. When the feeling of paranoia or anxiety came over me I’d ask myself “what are you so afraid of ? Or scared of” and the answer was my character flaws and insecurities are what I was paranoid about. Because being high somewhat magnifies your perception of things I would be able to hyper analyze my character flaws and where they lied. Then I’d make it a point to work on that, so I wouldn’t be bugged by it when I got high. Thus began a cycle of smoking getting paranoid about my character flaws, working on them when I'm sober and then having less to be paranoid about when I got high. I welcomed the feeling of fear and anxiety that came with smoking. Before I knew it I had changed the whole direction of my life. At first the feeling being high still physically made my heart race but mentally and psychologically I felt more mentally present. I picked up jogging as a healthy habit or hobby, but the only reason I even thought of beginning to jog was because of that new way I approached smoking weed.