It's Just a Selfie

It's just a selfie. A vein, shallow representation of myself. Me. Me. Me. I. I. I.

That was the summer I left my ex-husband. The summer after I actually buckled down and lost some of the weight I’d been carrying around.

He’d wanted me to be 110 lbs “soaking wet,” he'd say.

My anemic body shivered each night from too many calories going out and too few going in.

“I want to see your cheekbones.” He’d say, unemployed as I weighed myself in the mornings before heading to a double-booked day in the salon.

I want you to look like a trophy wife, he’d say. Head in his phone, playing a mobile game as I prepared supper after I came home.

It's just a selfie, but it was one month after I opened my own salon. A place where I could wear what I wanted, and be myself, and work with people I liked in an environment I curated myself.

It's just a selfie, but I took that two months before one of my best friends would be found dead. Shot in the back of her head. Her boyfriend would hide in a motel 8 for three weeks. Her boyfriend would plead not guilty and claim she shot herself in the back of her head. He isn't a violent person but there's footage of him dangling his own child upside down threatening to drop him. He isn't a violent person, he was acquitted but he's in jail once again for a similar crime.

It's just a selfie but I took it three months before I was brutally assaulted, and suffered two rotator cuff injuries and a torn LCL. Before I would have to use a motorized cart to go shopping. Before I’d spend the next year self medicated on the couch. Before I knew it would be two years before I could even take walks regularly again.

It's just a selfie, but it was taken six months before my team of stylists would be hired for a disastrous event in LA. We would spend three weeks fluffing Christmas trees and unwrapping silverware. We would spend a grand on pot. We would get high every night and begin our days with yoga videos we found on YouTube. We would attend a surprise Kanye West concert that would be immortalized on Amazon Prime. We would barely miss our flight and spend almost an entire day in LAX wishing we were back home.

It's just a selfie, but it was a year before I would take on instructing at a Paul Mitchell Cosmetology School. Everyone thought it was really impressive but truthfully the salon wasn't making enough money to survive on. I would work 70 hour weeks for the next 9 months.

It's just a selfie, but it was taken eighteen months before my best friends were stationed back in Virginia and we'd have an opportunity to live our hippie commune lives the way had always dreamed. We rented a huge house with a pool and for a year and a half we'd raise our children together. We'd share meals, movie streaming accounts and laugh so hard I peed, and we’d go on hikes together.

It's just a selfie but it was taken three years before my life would change all over again when I met the man I am with today. Before I’d met the man who has more green flags than red. The man who bought me my ‘future best sellers mug.’ The man who hugs me when I'm sad and feeds me when I'm hungry. The man who makes sure all of my needs are taken care of before his own.

It's just a selfie, but I don't remember her anymore. I don't count my calories, or give my time to things and people who don't serve me. I don't take the people in my life or my health for granted. I don't equate success with the measurement of my waist, the amount I have in my bank account or the likes on my Instagram posts.

It's just a selfie, but I took it and it is mine. A reminder of who I was before, and who I am today.