Concussion by Camera

30 minutes after this photo was taken I hit my head hard enough on an overhanging rock to knock my AirPods clean out of my ears. Yeah. I was bleeding. I hurt myself and also managed to scare the shit out of myself. It was one of those pains that you didn’t expect. The pain knocked the wind out of my chest and I felt the cry that only terrified children release building in my lungs. Woah girl! I thought to myself. Relax you’re ok don’t cry you’re just in pain calm down! We are still in public. I mean I really did hurt my own feelings that day. I had a bump for a week. I had most of the symptoms of a concussion. It didn’t stop me from taking more photos though. In fact, I probably took more after, as protest against nature. How dare it try to send me home early.

I wish I could blame nature but just like if you’ve ever hit a parked car, I hit a rock face that had been there far before I ever existed and could only blame myself. I’ve had some really rough adventures in nature. Ones that challenged me. Terrified me. Humbled me. But this is about the pictures. I realized the more and more I desired to capture the moment, the deeper into the moment I sank. Hence why I had hit my head. I was so present I didn’t even think to look ahead. I was too in awe, too dumbstruck by the beauty of the simple elements that were gathered around me. Water, stone, sunlight and dirt had me in tears. The stone especially had me in tears.

The scrapes, the bruises, the minor concussion, you can’t convince me it’s not worth it. I started looking for lighting, perspective and objects that conveyed meaning. The earth called to me before I ever picked up my camera seriously. That’s why I started taking pictures. The beauty nature was reaching out to me and I hoped by taking a photo I could capture its message. Then I started sharing these pictures and they spoke to others.

In that same place there is a stream that is about 50 feet across and a couple inches deep at its lowest point. I was there looking for a picture with a point when this floated across my path.

I had spent almost all of 2020 taking pictures on my phone. Days before that photo and the concussion, my best friend told me that it was time for me to get a real camera. I dismissed it. But then that lens cap came floating by and I took it as a sign. The camera is actually in transit right now but this cap was another beautiful little mirical that happened while I was out looking for things that spoke to me. These photos that I take are my most authentic and fervent attempt to pay tribute to the beauty of creation. It’s my attempt to capture it in one single moment.

What I love about photography is how it forces you to be present. It forces you take everything about the moment you’re in and take measure of it. It gives you a new appreciation for things. As you start to take note of the way different amounts of light can change the picture entirely you’ll notice how angles completely change the way a scene looks as well. Then you’ll notice that placement changes the scene also and slowly and slowly you’ll begin to take note of all the things that make each moment in time unique. Photography was teaching me something life had been screaming at me. Be present. Take it in. This is it.

I think living presently really scares us. I think it challenges our value system about constantly working towards something. Its not a bad mindset in theory. Working towards something is good but we’ve all become obsessed with the destination. It’s made us lose sight of what’s important. Living presently forces you to swallow all of the crap they’ve been stuffing down our throats about planning and focusing on your future. Which, you should have goals, but obsessing over achieving them means you miss the beauty of the process. The little lessons along the way and all the love you’ll encounter on your daily journey are being missed because we aren’t present. We’re focused on the weekend. Focused on that upcoming vacation. That birthday. That holiday. If you want to escape your current life you need to change what you’re doing currently. That means deciding in this moment right now to pay attention to yourself and what you’re needing and then focus on daily habits that fulfill you.

Present living, mindfulness as the term now applies, also implies that you let go of the past. Which is hard. Analyzing the past is what we do when we don’t want to be where we currently find ourselves. Not a bad strategy but how long have you been thinking about the past? Doesn’t do much if you don’t act to change it and that starts in the everyday. Between having to let go of the past and trying to halt your predictions about the future you find there isn’t much to think about, you simply are just being. As people, we’re taught not to do this. Think ahead, learn from the past. Not awful advice but I believe 90% of our time should be spent exactly where are two feet happen to be at, in that precise moment. I remember a time when living presently with nothing to worry about or regret caused me anxiety and shame. I’d say to myself “Self, girl listen, you’re wasting time sitting here doing nothing! Do something. Go plan a thing. Go contribute to your future. Clean something, read something. DO SOMETHING.” I was wrong. Staying busy made me somewhat successful but it didn’t fulfill me. It didn’t grant me peace. Being present has granted me far more success and peace than planning and analyzing ever did. There’s a place for that stuff no doubt but it’s not the mental place I feel you should be in for the majority of your life. Photography taught me the value of a single moment. If you are not present for every moment of your life you may miss something wonderful just by being lost in thought. It taught me each moment does have value even when you put the camera down. Perspective changes the scene but it also changes your life.

Come on! Just look at how tiny those mushrooms are. Do you think if I was worried about my Monday coming up at work I would have even noticed that baby tree or the minuscule mushroom forest growing on its moss? No. But by being grounded in the present I did. Photos don’t do it justice but as an amateur photographer who tries to be better everyday, I’m hoping to bring a little of the message back with me each time I wander out. The message is that our world is amazing. I don’t know what you believe about whatever the reason is to explain why you’re here but this much I can confirm. However you came to be here, you get to exist and you didn’t do anything to earn that, it was given to you. It’s a fundamentally incredible opportunity that you have, this thing called existence and look at what we get to co-exist with! Oceans filled with millions upon millions of gallons of water that house thousands and thousands of incredible creatures that human kind could have never dreamed up on our own. Mountains formed by millions of years of continental plates rubbing together moving over a huge globe wide vat of melted metals. Rivers like the Mississippi that run so fast no man can survive it’s current and so wide that we had to build machines just to cross it safely. I’ve stood at the foot of the mountains, the rivers and the oceans and in those moments they don’t give you a choice but to be present. Now that I’ve found this I can’t let it go. I pursue these moments harder than I pursue anything else. Every chance I get, I try to make my present moment count. I thrust my anxious feet into a pair of hiking boots that I love more than most people and find a place to fall deeply into the present moment with. Somewhere I can feel the fullness of creation.

I have been fortunate to have been able to transfer this present mindset into my everyday but it took practice. My great teacher was my camera. I’m not great at this yet. Not with photography, not with life and not with being present but I know the more I do it the better I get. Occasionally you’re going to take a hit, it happens, but it’s better to hit your head than live your life trapped in it.